yes its xmas and I am kinda getting into the xmas spirit,but ,somehow ,i am wishing and hoping and praying,that ryan hill will forgive me and come back around,but,I know ,in reality,it will not happen. And,I am just so sad about that, I dont know why he has gotten under my skin? I mean there is jason,who,threatened me that if I email him,
he will send a virus a ruin my computer,nice eh? but ,not hearing from does not bother me at all.he always acted really mean with me about certain things,the one thing he told me,that made me so angry is ,that he didnt want to hear my pity party
stuff.Like WTF? ITOLD HIM. well,he just blew up after that. but you know what,I
said what i felt in my heart and Imnver kissed uo to him. guess thats why i dont get upset,But ,with ryan,I felt a closeness,a friendship,a trust and when ryan freaked out about my suicidal thoughts it was like WTF?
And since then ,we havent talked.i continue to email him and i even got his cell phone number on the net and called him,but chickened out and said nothing,
well,ryan lost it then, he has blocked me fron his tweets and his one website.
i just cant get him off my mind,i miss him,and I am not quite sure if I love him ,you know love him? I am so damn confused. my world seems so topsy turvy.
my trauma from my dad and the hurricane is bad. i know that i am obsessed with him.
rachel says that this is abuse to ryan,like OMG ,i guess it isI would get angry
if someone constantly sends emails.
but all i know is i miss ryan,i love him,and i miss his witand laughter and smile.
and I was emailing this person elles and we would talk about ryan and ron and jason
and how we wanted to have sex with them. i hadnt heard from elles since all this crap started with ryan and i am wondering if elles was not who she said she was
and what i wrote wastold to ryan
well enough said, i am getting said....damn ryan hill i miss ya

wow its so hard so fricken hard when,when,there are people who just are just asses to you.they treat you like yesterdays trash and yet ,you still hang on,have this entire plan that you can make this person change his mind
i i cant go on like this ,i CANT allow myself to continue to hold on to
hopes and beliefs he will come back.that way of thinking is so toxic,so toxic for me.
I think,its ,like a mission,that I can change this person.but this person
always enjoyed any form of support ,for his music and I was glad to do it and I
WAS proud of him.however when i needed support he chose when and if he would support me.and ,now ,i think wow that kinda sucks,but ,I was si determined to
have this person for my friend,I allowed myself to let him walk over me and treat
me like trash, yes,trash.
Hey,he knew I was going thru lotsa stuff,but ,he chose to be,cruel
and he lacked any empathy at all. and ,at first I said,ok,hes just immature,but,know I know,he doesnt care,I was not his close friends,but excuse me,but
he never even tried to be my friend,
and now ,he has the BALLS to call me a stalker,yes ,right,what an ass.
one part of me says ,just fuck him and the other side says,keep trying.
but in the end,i loose,How? iloose respect for me because i allowed myself
to ,beg,to,plea for ryan to be my friend,
hey calls me a stalker,neurotic ,well,what the hell is he ?heartless bastard.

I havent written in this blog in awhile,and lotsa stuff have happened,sad,sad,stuff. And stuff,stuff,I should have seen coming,but ,in my ultimate divine wisdom,decicided ,that someohow,i could convince people to
change their minds, Only if I try hard enough. And you believe this ,in your mind,
and,you have all these conversations ,inside your mind,you have it all planed out.
You know that somehow things will,change.
And its funny because you did that when you were a child, Its almost sorta like,dorothy in the wizard oz ,i can,keep repeating over and over he will forgive me
or, all those conversations you tell to yourself,you keep them there,
you repeat stuff over and over, Its,as they say in this book I am reading,your inner
roommate.
And,I am sad,becuase,this guy ,I hardly know,and I allowing my inner self,
to make me sad.Why? Perhaps I just am so desperate to have someone,someone ,besides my family, to understand me, And ,yes,I did BAD things to him,or rather said bad things to him,but he did too.and it hurts so damn bad,
yes ,right a stalker me

WOW FEELING INTENSELY NERVOUS.no one gets it,no one understands,you are alone .
isolated,in your own world.your "stuck" in your own hell.the pain ,the fear,shame.guilt ,anger,hurt,all rolled into one huge ball of emotions.and
you just do not know where to turn.It consumes your mind,your body and its
so damn crippling.freinds are almost non existance,not only does this illness
effect you ,but it effects everyone around you.Its sad but true,and you get
so fricken sad.so sad.You yearn for someone to hold you,comfort you,a shoulder to cry on ,and you just need someone to care,and just take away the hurt,And ,damn
it hurts,its frightening ,this feeling.Your body feels like it is working overtime,your mind always turning,reving up,
but is it fair to expect your freinds to to put up with all your peculiar
behaviors? WE,are so ,so misunderstood,no ,we are not stalkers,we are,"sick"
people.All I want is someone to understand me,to accept me ,for me,with allmy faults
and to accept my illness .
wow,I cant tell you the endless days and nites of tears,the pain is unbearable

sadness

ok its me again,there is so much pain,i am feeling now.ITS so hard to explain,
ocd is such a difficult illness to understand and tolerate.PEOPLE just get hung up on certain rituals,certain behaviors,and they just cant stop,you try ,you try,to stop,its panick,anxiety,sheer pain,your mind is playing that same tape over and over,
your body shakes ,feel jittery,,,,struggle ....want to stop,,,no i will not do it again,,you try minutes seems like hours and it just just cant be done.
and..everyone thinks how peculiar and odd and strange you are.At times people call you "a child" WHY? my ocd with many different issues and its always changes.
FRom,calling and calling about bills and stuff,to keep checking things around the house to presently checking and emailing guide,Its so crippling ,its just so crippling.But ,I ,struggle i struggle ,to stop,but ,its ,i like to compare it
too being possessed.
No one can never trully understand the pain you go thru.ocd is just like any other illness.diabetes,high blood pressure,etc ,but somehow,everyone treats it
like its something people can control. Ocd is not that easy to "get rid of"/
and no guide, I hate it when you say your acting like a child when,i kept on emailing you.Get it ,its an illness.And ,yes,I do realise,how,it can be nerve racking
and intensely,irratating.
At times,I just sit,and shake inside ,freak out, wanting to email and...
its so hard.
ok guide tha ts it,

sues story

ok me its sues story.after all that happen both in my childhood and in my adulthood.
thru all the traumas and endless events that happened in my life from job losses,lost of friend ,suicdes,parents death, hurricanes,son dx with a mental illness.me in the hospital twice for depression...thru allthis I HAVE SURVIVED.
THAT IS SOMETHING i THOUGHT I WOULD AEVER SAY.but,thru the grace of GOD,thru the help of racheland dr glade and meds and friends family and the belief in the secret
I am healing.I try to live for the day and not for the future. And no.I still have many bad days,depressed days ,days when i dont get out of bed,or nites when the nite terrors are horrble,or flashbacks or numbing or dissociation. YES,but the
difference is ,I understand what is going on,I breathe,I go outside ,i listen to music.coping techniques. thats what is important,I still have trust issues,I stillhave guilt about hating my dad and as i say "ratting "him out.And its hard to dealwith the emotions.its hard to trust,its a hard road to recovery .to healing,but I know now that it will be better,and i know i can handle it one day at a time one hr a time
But the darkness is gone and the light is shining bright,I am not in a fog.
and I know there is much work to accomplish,but I AM WAY BETTER THAN 3 yrs ago.
i am trying to get rid of my guilt of hating my dad and telling my story of abuse at the hands of both my dad and mom. All of that crap my dads crap is allabout my dad
it is his problem he made it.I broke the chain of abuse,and so could have my dad and mom.I realize that many of my problems are from my past but that is the past.
and now i cant use that as an excuse .now i can change things

dad

OK here it goes ,something I should have said a long time ago .however,I dont think I
could have gotten up enough courage,enough strength ,to write this to you.For so many
intolerable childhood years,you,you did so many unforgivible,uncomprensible,horrific
acts that no child or adult should ever experience.And,even today ,I cant explain.
how I managed to somehow,come out of such vile situations as I did . I am ,by no means a religious fanatic,but.I do know there is some higher being that exists
in everyones life,that ,are there to protact and guide you ,and it is ultimately,you
who decides your destination,your life.
I can remember so many times,how could your parents,the people responsible for
your
life ,treat their own flesh and blood with so much abuse?Why? Why the beatings?
why the drinking?Why the nights in my bed?why the insults ?why all the humilluation?
Why allthe put downs?I lived in my own world,trying to goaway ,far away in this makebeieve world.Where I was loved and cared for and held and I was daddys little girl.Thats allI wanted ,thats allI yearned for,allmy childhood.was that somuch to ask for?The names you called me .cut right thru the core of my very being.
FAT,STUPID,LAZYetc etc.OH ,but the really kicker was you wished I wasnt ever born.
wow,DAD ,you made that point very clear every day of my miserable sad childhood.
I always wondered why i felt absolutely no love for you and I despised looking at you.Wow,yeah,what hateful cruelwords said about your dad.And I would agree if you were a carind ,loving dad,but ,you were far from being that dad,And ,I GET IT
there is no one in the world that is perfect.NO ONE,but ,fuck,you were this monster.ademon in my young eys.
And,all my ,life ,I kept our dark seret ,hidden deep in the back of my mind,
and I know that ,supreesed those memories.emotions ,the fear,the anger,the pain
the sadness the DISGUST.But,if I didnt do it,I suppose ,I wouldnt be here writing this now , And ,I realise ,daad you had a hard life,I understand,but that is not an excuse .DAD you FUCKING slept in my bed.And thank God there are memories I can recall.I guess that is my way of coping with allthat vile garbage you did.
fuck dad you got slobbering drunk,stench,walking aroung with your boxer shorts
and your DICK hanging out, How vile and disgusting id that?
You took away my childhood,You took away all the fairy tales i wanted .You know the one where your dad says ,I love you,and reads stories and hugs you and tucks ME
into the bed , Daughters are suppose to be special,I felt like YESTERDAYS TRASh
Oh,thats right,you loveningly called me trash Yes ,I was that hippie,I was as you said so elequently.a NIGGER lover.what what an ass. Did you not realise the damage you did too me?Its sad ,its sad ,that a child,a daughter,doesnt feel anything ,anything at all for their dad.
hONESTLY,you dont deserve to be called dad ,because you did nothing to gain that title. Did you know how many times I cried ,how many cries,because of you,because,I wanted a dad who loved me uncoditionally.YOU DIDNT. Wow,you would slap me so hard I had huge welts in my legs and armd.AND i Had to go to school like that.Did you not care? Did you not care when I had to go to schoolwith tape duct shoes and schoolbags?
did you not care when the kids teased me allthe time?did you care when you went to
the school fairs drunk>did you not care about anything? to be continued

sues story cont

ahhhh another entry I apologize for the somewhat disorganiztion of the story. But ,at
times.my mind just .kinda goes numb.perhaps .its just the process of writing allthese things down.I get really upset and panicky and ...I just must take a break.
There has been so much trauma in my life ,it seems like ,life doesnt give me a chance to chillout from one when another hits me, somany things in my life
the death of my freind at 32 yrs old almost 24 yrs ago the death of the 13 yr old boy,
the suicide of my coworker the death of my dearest friend at doctors hospital
my fatherinlaws death,mymoms death my dads death,the lost of my job of 19yrs
the lost of kevins job of 17 yrs my 2000 brekdown katrina lost of a job
my disability my workers compcase jeremys 6 week hospital stay and jermys dx of
a mood order wow
but the most the most important of allwas the horrific childhood the one i never had the emotionai shit from dad the welts onmy legs and arms and my duct tape shoesand school bags and dad drunk mom and dad yelling and me being call
a slut stupid fat worthless oh man ..lets just ask this question.why am i fucked up?
and yet a part of me struggles struggles to not feelguility about telling on my dad or my mom ...it should be kept away deep down inside.all girls wants to be daddys little girl.and...i never have that and never will an dthat that just saddens me
and you know honor you parents ,,,MY GOD I am wondering what willdad do when i die?
i feelso gulity that I am ashamed of my mom and dad its juts not the american dream
but since the hurricane i just dreamthese vile .vile dreams and iscreamloudly
its allabout dad but sometimes i dream about katrina ...idreamnt once brittany was dead and they braugt her to me

people somany people dont get me dont get the trauma of katrina I think it really does make you feelbetter writng about as much as you can but my god
It took away somthing fromme possibly the most important trust and it gave me
back the simple life to treasure each day live each day one day at a time
the healing has been hard work I will not lie and i am not saying that all is
good with my life i stillhave flasbacks ,and niteterrors and anger and pain
and hurt but now now i know what it is it happens i breathe i go outside i think of something beutiful the healing will be a continous process the fog has been lifted
I do have bad moments ,,but i realise it willgo away
spiritually i believe in gaurdian angels they are around me at times when i get scared i ,i can just feel them nearby and my mind just is overcome with joy
and peace no more looking into the future
i must not give my dad power the power to gring me down I must get my self esteem up and accept me for me my goals is toleace each day as it comes
and believe inthe secret because the secret has been with me since katrina
allthings happen for a reason
i must take time out for me and i cant be a human giver to everyone
and that is my goaland Iknowi stillhave a long time for more healing
thisis the beginning of anewmme

sues autobiograpy continu

ok and so it continues.My life was just pure hellmafter katrina.It was
filled with vivid horrid painful scary memories ,flasbckas of the katrina.
Allto vivid all to too often.I relived the moments ,the smellsthe heat the fear
the screms the cries the anger, Anger of God anger for the hospital anger for the company anger for the lawyers.I spent months in bed,barely living spiritually
mentally.Thought I lost me and dodnt know whoI was.I had lost my job,and couldnt
physiaclly,mentally could not work.Yet everday i looked at the want ads ,,,
work was my life ..what ,who am i without it? I was so ,so,sick,and I just ,just
couldnt shake it anymore .The flashbacks,the nite terrors,the darkness,the walking in the fog ,the shame .the guilt,the anger,it had gotten so unbearable that
i just wanted to die and one day I told them put meinto a hospital I knew I
would kill myself.I did .got out ,got rachel and that was the turning point
of my life.She was my salvation,she saved me fromthe ravages of depression
and ptsd.And then ,after dealing with the prick of a doc I had at the hospital
whoafter 3 months told me he could dono more for me .He had said he knew
i was faking this to get disability.I left his office crying sobbing feeling like shit.I could not believe a doc a shrink could act that much like an ass.
and during all this I was figting my job for workers comp.The insurance people
were such assholes dragged me to the ground,made lite of my job during the hospital
but thru my depression,my anger,i was determined to win.I knew I would never
work again.and too the fucking old shrink who said there was no way in hell I would win my case or get disability...AHHHH I guess the secret wirks rachel
yes i went to court and God gave me the strength to hold on and being positive
thru it all the secret pervailed,
It wasnt about the money somush as it was about the fact at how the hospital treated us.
but for three years I have been dealing with this.AND YES i FORGOT TO MENTION DR
GLADE,the moment she saw me heard my story she knew then that I was suffering from
ptsd.I had always thought that was just what milatary got.But she put a name to it
now i knew i was not crazy or dying iwas illvery ill I would just shake and cry and ramble and at times dr glade would tell me your thought patterns are all twsted and distorted.But dr glade and rachel they are my saviors and I thank god for them
dr glade tried many meds before ones finally work.the nite terrors were getting just horrible this fear panic numb numb anger shame guilty embarassment
compulsive Rachel in the beggining told me it willget better i promise i told her i dont fucking believe that
but rache and dr glade never gave up on me ,even when I wanted to give up on myself Many many people didnt understand.why cant you just get your meds and get better and go back to work .wow how that hurt how it hurt they didnt get it
i wished i could AND YET EVEN i wanted to go back I was so so sad ,work was my life
was who i was and now i lost me what will I DO? i FELT ASHAMED that I couldnt just
get over this what the fuck was wrong with me? I neesde to find out who I was
and ...eventually relised workwas just my occupTION it wasnt me ,,and in the midst of all my depression and denial of my depression I just needed work to be a coping
mechanism tohide my real deep depression that I had been in and denied for so long.
I amjust living for today,,
the workwas sohard and I soon REALISED i cant put a time on it that I just work
and progress inmy own time .I leasrned to live for today . but what I didnt expect from this was was the ,jarring of my memeories of my dad his abuse emotional verbal physical and yes sexual.HE was a drunk and the trauma of the storm braught back those dark deep secrets I hid for so long .at times i think i can hear him calling me
feel his breath on my neck feel him on my bed ..OMG ..this this is so frightening
and ipanic i screm.......must continue later

sues autobiography continued

ok katrina hit iwas working in the hospital when it hit terrofied fear of dying
patients crying crashing noises the water poured into the streets building shaking
walls shaking floors shaking stench no water hot exhausted zoning out staring in disbelief no communication pictures on tv of people on roofs patients dying alone
and there was I just numb unable to handle it any more i smelled i was tired
scared and iwanted to be with my family
we all waited for the hospital to provide transportation but none came we were on our own co worker dropped me off at baton rouge mall and I walkedaround dragging my only posessions I thought I owned smelling tiered wearing pjs i wore 5 days
in the scorching heat OMG ..the drive to baton rouge was ...painful sad
trees uprooted power lines down houses flattened,,or was that the ride to alabma?
i was just numb i felt this sickness deep inthe pit of my stomache
got to alabama wher keveinand the kids were with my mother in law and my sisterin law with her family and her 90 lb dog with our 40 lb dog cramped in a small smallhome with no air condition
i immediately took a bath i slept for almost 3 days ...mom getting pissed at
me wanting me to wake up at 8am feed my kids and my hubby wtf?
the entire time i kept think i was dying i went to the doc 3 times there
i was not the same person i was and will forever not be the person I was prior to katrina
we went home and our house was not damaged much
but carpets pulled wet furniture.but i couldnt get out of bed i felt horrible
i just couldnt do anthing again i kept going to docs 2 a week,I thought i was dying
reading in medical books and believing i hadthat disease i was obsessed with it i constantly was on the internet reasearching diseases.i couldnt sleep i cried i shook
i stayed in bed for days ,all day,in the dark staring into space
and then then there were these thses horribl horribble flashbacks of the hurricane
OMG i was i felt like i was living katrina again i worried about finding work
what denial..me work i coulnt even get out of bed fear fear i told the er docs i do know i am dying i called them liars ,,,itwas bad so bad,,,,,

sues autobiography continued

oops.I have rambled and rambled and I made a slight error on my timeline
The first time mom was in the hospital she had cancer and survived, Thata when
dad was an ass making feel guilty,expecting me to cook his breakfast lunch and supper.And as much as I DREADED it ,I did it,like a fool.How much of a control freak was that,and,I was alone with him ... but I didnt do it for long, He wanted the food cooked served picked up and dishes clean, I remember telling him I wasnt edith bunker.
I despised my dad . Where was my brothers,why couldnt they help him and mom
Yes,I know why? They too hated my dad. And in dads warped twisted mind,it was the daughters duty to take care of cooking and all other stuff. Bullshit!
dad wasnt allowing mom to talk to me and mom kept on telling me how miserable dad was making her, but there she stayed.
then ,my mom went to the hospital ,and i was told after she was there for 1 month
she was on a vent continous dyalsis and dnr, Ijust coulnt find it in myself to hold her hug her touch her, I was there when she died I wanted to be,so there was no
no guilt for me .dad never went to the hospital once. He said thats what mom
wanted RIGHT BASTARD,
then,after not seeing him for years ,what did he say," Oh you got chubby"
LIKE FUCK YOU" then he asked me ,not his sons to bath him and get him ready for the funeral wtf ,then it hit slapped in my face this is not normal.
fast forward the closing of the hospital i worked for 20 yrs my co workers suicide ,marital problems with kevin ,kevein loosing his job of 17yrs
working at a hospital where i was totally not accepted at and totally hate it
missed all my freinds from the old job
then katrna hit.....

sues autobiograpy continued

yes,I do believe my whole entire life I suffered from depression and ,as my shrink tells me,maybe even PTSD. But ,I was in total denial.I was the strong one,at least on the outside,but ,deep down,in my soul,and my spirit was destroyed ,torn,tattereed
lost,in a world of fear,shame,guilt,confusion .loneliness,and saddness beyond what any child should ever tolerate.Ahhh,but my parents ,they made sure I NEVER had hope ,love,self esteem ,But ,yet,I did astonishly well, for what i had to endure.
But,I had ,to ,if I wanted to survive. And somewhere ,as Michael Jackson sings
"have you seen my childhood?"
So,I guess th eanswer to the question is ,yes,I HAD A CHILDHOOD ILLNESS THAT LASTED AND CONTINUED AND WORSENED AS THE YEARS PASSED,I would lie to everyone,make my parents as great role models.Who was I trying to confess,the people or me?
And ,the answer to that is quite clear now,I was trying to convince me.
I had so many coping skils ,that,I could confess myself I DIDNT NEED HELP.
No,not at all, you just dont sleep,you just cry hysterically,you obsess at everything ,all just like mom.Ahhh,but ,like mom,I was confessed it was menapuase.
Thats what they told mom,and thats what I was told, But,in my sick,distorted,
delusionalmind,that sounded like the culprit,
Now,looking back,I do realize ,that my was severely depressed,ahe had to be to put up with a controlling,lousy,druken husband. But,that doesnt excuse her from
sleeping with my brother,making me go get dad at the bar,and most importantly
allowing my dad to fall asleep in my bed. Parents are suppose to protect youfrom harm ,evenif it is your dad? And,I know,because ,I too .have suffered the darkest
and blackest years of depression ,but even then ,I knew I could never let my chidren
stay with dad, Although ,one week end we did ,me and kevin went on a well deserved 3 day cruise,and mom and dad watched the kids. Well,soon after,brittany,just stopped talking,And ,I wanted to believe it was daycare,,I JUST COULDNT,believe dad did it.
Hell,mom and dad blamed it on kevins parents.And ,as sick and as warped ,I wanted to believe it too. But,after that the kids never stayed ther by themselves.
And,I know this ate away at me,blame,guilt,anger,self doubt,but thru my doubt ,I
knew,that it was dad,My God,the chain willbe broken, But I NEVER CONFRONTED MY DAD
with either my sexual abuse or brittanys.However,I eventually ,I had told mom.
In my married years we did become more closer,I GUESS because,I WASnt at the
hands and mercy of my dad, But,one day I told my mom,and I dont know if she believed me ,somehow ,I THINK ,DEEP INSIDE SHE KNEW, But she ,still hung on to her preciuos religious beliefs, That is your dad she said.WTF.So,i said,she said you gotta talk to him .I said wtf ,talk,surely your joking,?
Soon,mom was not aloud to talk to me .Dad would say I WAS UPSETTING HER, FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU No.i didnt say it but I wanted too, oh ,how I wanted too, He wanted to see the kids ,but I still didnt say hey you bastard ,remember ,i was the one you went to bed with ,Your precious daughter. And so,the relationship I finally yearned for with my mom.was now,gone,compliments of dad. Bastrd, But, why,why could I not confront my dad? I just think it was my coping skills .I guess I wasnt ready to deal with it.
Then mom got ill,cancer,she should have died .but she didnt. I WAS going to nursing school,and dad and mom told me ,made me feel guilty,that i should quit nursing school to take are of dad when moms in the hospital. And like an ass I did
What control did he have over me? and after that things got worse again
dad didnt like hospitals so i had to stay every nite, dad didnt take care of mom at home ,no he was an invalid BASTARD.
And when mom was in the hospital.after about 2 months or so,my aunt called me up,not my dad,not my brothers my aunt,toldme mom was in ICU and in critical conndition,she was on the vent,continous dialysis,and we had made her a dnr.
I still was working ,and I couldnt take off all that time.When I went there
I just couldnt,hold her,touch her hand,do anything,i just didnt feel or knew how to express or show love to mom. I never had it from them.WHEN mom died
I was there ,but,I NEVER CRIED ,I nevr kissed her goodbye,Nothing, And I know that sounds SO HEARTLESS,BUT VERY TRUE.my mom was gone and we could never talk again,I could never get a chance to get close with my mom,But,I guess,I still resented mom
for not being there when I NEEDED HER,FOR SHOWING ATTETion to ted and not me.
and ,yes,I resneted ted for taking away mom from me
anyway,sometime befor moms death,the denial ,the depression ,it took a toll over me. I could no longer function, Kevein was having an emotional affair,and I like ,a
weak person,begged him not to leave me.I was so delusional ,I thought kevein had a porn site at the house,My god,I believed this ,and I told his mom and his sisters,
bUT,nobody siad a thing like sue ,,,I think you need help.I was anxous ,racing thoughts,One day kevein told me to dont come back home i was going to work,
I went to work,laid on the floor,and proceeded to cry hysterically. At that point
I had finally broke,,,I was way to fucked up and word went around the hospital
.So,i took off 5 months of work,in which work was really trying to let me go,THOSE
5 months were HORRIBLE. i COULDNT EAT .SLEEP LAY DOWN YET,i DONT KNOW WHY MY DOC DIDNT PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL
i GOT BETTER and went back to work, But ,I really wasnt better,,,Keveiwas still
being an ass at times.I was so scared T ANY MOMENT WORK WOULD LET ME GO
rumors were flying how I WAS NUTS AND MY boss told me I needed jesus.
yes the same boss the would tellme constantly you are fucking up and I was
not with pts but my contration was horrible i thought i HAD ADD,
Eventually, I was getting worse again,and I was suicidal,and i asked them please put me in the hospital and IWAS admitted for 4 days and let out.but I still didnt feel right.
But good old susan wasback to her routine work work super mom super wife etc
But what about me....
then the hospital was sold we lost our jobs we were never offered any jobs at any other hospitals and in fact my pay went down 5 dollors
But the hospital crap went on for a year we were being sold but we didnt know by who or when or if we would have a job so that entire year was horrific
we lived in fear and on pins and needles ,people were slowly getting laid off
....well after year we were bought,, it was sad it slowly emptied out the patients it was like a slow death,it was my family i was there for amost 20 years
and now its closed and our family has died or it felt like that
then a co worker /freind committed suicide becaquse he didnt know what work he could do,I TOOK IT HARD AND BLAMED MYSELF FOR NOT realizing how suicidal he was 'I still
feel as though I COULD HAVE SAVED him.It still hurts

sue martins autobiography

Well ,here it goes.My social worker,wanted me to write my story,and so ,here it goes ,Warning,my life was not pretty,it was sad and lonely and most of my childhood
was spent in terror and in denial. No one would believe that a dad would or could
harm and abuse his only daughter.And ,thankfully,for my sanity,I tucked away all my
memories of my dads sexual abuse. But,is was not only sexual abuse ,but physiacal,emotional,verbal abuse. Sure,my dads only kind words was "slut".or "whore"
or how about the lovely "your getting a little fat there Sue".Oh ,yes I was so loved
NOT. Not once do I recall 'I love you ' SPOKEN BY EITHER MY MOM OR DAD.
I was told numerous times ,you will never amount to anything,who will marry you?
You are stupid ,fat,and are you on drugs?And the best,I wish you were never born.
And ,I can remember many times ,locking myself in the bathroom and crying my eyes out,wishing I was dead,and holding that razor blade in my hand.I would yell out to my parents,I wish I was dead I am going to kill myself.And,sadly,they would yell back
go ahead.Wow.did that really hurt? How,could they? Did they not realize ,how serious
suicidal threats were? I can only hope ,they didnt mean it. Still,it doesnt erase the pain,nor excuse them for saying what they did. I cant justify their actions.
I cant remember any really fond memories of my childhood,perhaps,as my social worker says ,I blocked it out,I tucked it away deep in the back of my brain,I did
it for my sanity,And,its so sad to not remeember any fond memories of my childhood.
Your childhood ,should be filled with beuatiful.memories that you treasure and one day share with your children.I have always had absolutely no feelings or emotions for my dad.It was a strong feeling of absolute hate,
My dad was a monster,a drunk,a stinking,stenching,gross person. He would beat the crap out of me with belts,hands ,and he would even make me go get a twig of a tree
and if it wasnt big enough ,he would go and get one himself.He would beat me and would leave welts on my body, At times,he would say you got enough and if I didnt answer he kept it up. But, I wanted to show him ,the bastard.WTF I would go to school
with these welts still in my arms,but,the catholic nuns and priests would turn their heads at it. And,besides that,in those days,the catholic school nuns would
put children on their laps and hit the child with a paddle on the butt,
And,for Gods sake,they would never believe a child. So,as ,a child growing up
with abuse,didnt have a chance in hell.
Ahh but ,the abuse didnt end with the beatings. Good old dad like to drink and he drank all the time,It was as he said his only pleasure.Yes,thats fine,but hey when you drink to the point of slobbering all over the place .falling asleep in your food,and ending up in my bed.Yes, I always thought dad did something to me,I just couldnt remember,and I guess that was my way of surviving such,such disguting,vile ,situation, But,after katrina,the trauma .jogged my memory
and I remember,dad ,aghhhh,trying to kiss me. This ,this ,is so so DISGUSTING.WHY? It is so so so hurtful..I just cant get over it,Dad would walk around the house with his boxer shorts on with his penis hnging out, My GOD ..it still makes me sick in my stomache.
Now,good old mom.she too never said she loved me ,no hugs ,kises etc, Moms should spend time with her daughter, No,the only one she spent time with was my younger brother.Yes,as dad would sleep in my bed ,mom often stayed in my brothers bed.HER EXCUSE,TEDS SICK.no mom you were. My mom dotted on my brother to the point of sickness ,and I just resented ted and my mom for this, My mom,too,would hit me .,but more imprtantly,mom told dad nothing to dad sleeping in my bed, Hell,on sundays we went to thy elocal bar,and me and mom would get dad out the bar,Gee,mom what a lovely place to take your kids a bar.
I have two brothers one older and one younger.My older brother,protected me and I am remember one time my dad was beating me and he told dad something then he got his ass beat, Both my brothers were also sujected to the verbal and physiical abuse.
But I envied ted,for all his attention my gave him,
My mom,was always nervous and anxiuos and cried and cried and was so depressed ,THEN she got so obsessive/compulsive,She got rid of the dog I loved.
I didnt let my friends at the house I was too embarased and ashamed of them.
Dad with his drunk self and mom with her ocd. Dad drank beer and so not enough money to buy us kids new shooes clothes etc,I often went to schoolwith duct tape shoes
duct tape school bags. Gets laughed at me and made fun of me. I had no friends
Yet,I wanted so much to be loved ,to be wanted to be hugged.
I would go into my own world .and write and write and dad got them and laughed
at them and threw them away. I just wanted to die
In fact all my aunts uncles grandma,all called me a nigger and told me i was not as good as my coisins.WTF ,I never got a break from anyone.it hurt me so much
to get absolutely no love from anyone.
Well, I did have an aunt emily and uncle frank,whom I ABSOLUTELY ADORED.
They were my salvation,They loved me ,made me feel good,gave me homebaked cookies and made me smile and laugh,They were my saving grace, and when they died I was so
devastated. I was 12 and 14 when my aunt and uncle died, I was never good enough in anyone s eyes and I GREW TO BELIEVE THAT

As I said,I grew up with the catholic religion MY MOM WAS I think addicted
to religu=ion and me and mom got intomany fights about it I mean what God WOULD allow parents to abuse their children.Any way ,the religion was rammed down my throats Honor thy parents.wtf EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP IN YOUR BED? YET I still
struggle with this idea ,of talking bad about my parents,after all HONOR THY PARENTS.
I stopped going to church at 15 or so ,and mom really didnt like it but I told her it wasnt happening.
And,I rebelled and it was more than typical teenager stuff. I drank starting at 13 .drank.wine and hard liquer,hitchhiked,wore skimpy clothes,sexaully active.
I went out with guys and I was the agressor, I just wanted to be loved I just wanted tom feel loved, I wanted to piss mom off.I was really wild at 13 and 14 smoking pot
and just being as my dad said 'SLUT" HEY DAD your daughter was only acting this way just for you
MEDICAL ISSUES
well,at the age of 5 in kindergarten I started wearing glasses I was nearly blind
I also remeber having stomache problems My doctor thought I HAD A nervous stomache
WELL i guess so DUH.who would have thunk it.I would also get hives. the doctor did tests and came to the conclusion it was nerves,I guess so.Could it be from seeing and hearing my parents fight and throw things at each other?Dad and Mom would scream all thye time,Lets just say it was a leave it to beaver home. And i wanted so desperately to just stop the fighting.
adult history
well ,most of my adult life I was free of Illnesses or so I thoughtI didnt realize that me putting all my energy into work and being the 'human giver"
was a problem I had worked hard in school and got a decent profession.I know know I
did it to show dad I could,I lied to everyone about mom and dad,making them look like saints.But,of coursw,I did n=it all y life.I lived in denial,I tried and did everything I could to keep up the fascade.I did all I could to survive .It was
like I was living in a fantasy world.AND as each year passed I WAS GETTING DEEPER INTO that dark hole known as depression.I made excuses for myself.I had add
.Me depressed,not me .I STARTED sleeping all day when brttany was about 7 yrs old
But,I again was in denial. I was not depresed not me...I was working ,taking care of the house etc
But,as brittany entered middle school.I got extremely worse I couldnt do anything i wa crying wailing anxious and SO VEY DELUSIONAL. kEVEIN was in an emotional affair
but I was the one that was begging him not to leave. There WAS something wrong with this

sue martins autobiography

wow another week ...and still feeling sad at times,sad about ryan,and michael jackson and sad about jeremy.I know I have no controlover any of it ..but its just sad.I thought I was over ryan,but ,I guess not,Idont understand why?
Why,I still care for him,when he did such crappy things to me .Perhaps it has to do with suzie,the little girl,,who had no love no afection ...and I CRAVE THAT,
I always have with the boys,and I think,how I was as A TEENAGER,I tried to please allthe guys ,some of them mwith sexual favors.Why? Because I knew that would keep
themm around,Isnt that just fucking sad,And ryan,well,I dont know.Many ,many times
I just take guys crap,I dont want to make themmad and then leave.I cant,\all
my life I didnt thin I could make it on my own,I thinkthat crap came from
good old dad. The BASTARD.and yet,it still hurts I still feel sad about thinking this about my dad,even though i can stillsmellthe stench,still feel the pain ,sting of his hurtful words to me,I can see him,stumbling ,to my bed drunk
and ,there I was alonewith dad ,his breath,his his looks,,,my god how could he how could he ..he he is my dad you know dads are suppose to love you adore you
a

Well.here Igo another entry,DAYS lately have been absouluetly CRAPPY. Why?
Well,my son Jeremy is still very depressed anxious nervous panicky suiciadal and now
he willbe be homeschooled by MOM.He tried school,and they made allthese plans and
help for him but somehow,mysteriously l.they dont recall any of these plans or
accomadations.Sure they say we can haqve a meeting and discuss this ,No bull shit I am tired of fighting ,JEREMY meds needs to be adjusted and they make him groggy
and bsised all this ,the kids there are so dis ruptive.His own special ed teacher
stopped emailing me.WTF I say to her. I dont fucking need her, Jeremy is really excited about it and I know I can teach he more than he is getting now/
Imean Jeremy was so sad ,Girl problems,This girl talked to Jeremy allthe time
but when she met Jeremy ,after that she stopped.That devastated Jeremy.
He was so sad and Itold him just fuck her,She is just shallow.I told him girls can be bitches,He cried he taked it over with his friends and he decided he will justnot contact her,and she just stopped contact all together ,I told him goo dfor you.
' It is the hardest thing to see your child depressed ,sad crying shaking saving he is stupid and uglky . I told him beauty lies within the person,But ,Of course when you are a teenager that is hard to believe, But,he is a smart,funny,talented,
warm,gentle young man, And his smile can lite up the room. But of course I can be partial.Teenage years and peer pressure is so much harder than in my years.
DRUGS,ALCOHAL,GANGSA,ETC,and thnak GOD Jeremy doesnt smoke cigerttes,dope,drink or have had sex, Which,in these times is pretty unbelievable.But I love him to death,
his my teddy bear,
And,damn,with all of jeremys troubles .I was like ,walking on thin ice,My nerves was raw,I was sleeping way too much,taking my feel good pills so I wouldnt
feelthe pain.Its so hard to see your child depressed ,and sad,and especially when ya kinda get what he is feeling.
AS for as ryan is concerned,I am no where as sad as I WAS, although,I STILL GET UPSET.I still love the guy,and I just cant look at him or listen tom him,It still makes me cry.I know hes young and all,but,for CHRISTS sake,he must realize telling someone who is suicidal to stop fucking emailing him suicidal ideations
WHAT THE FUCK?He must have some common sense? telling a person who is suicidal
to fuck off basically. That was like a knife stabbing me in the back.
but...now I realize I shouldnt let his problems be my problems.
that is his problem he couldnt deal with it. He surely didnt have to be so hateful.ANo answerD at times he was so hateful, He would cvhoose what to answer
I dont know ,he just ,I allowed myself to let him get to me,
I dont know,,,about loving him. He was so sweet I AM maybe in some ways he reminded me of kevin.I DO MISS HIM IDO MISS HIM.a lot.
yOU know when I met ryan and ron and jason I thought wow this is great
what a great international freindship .IT was so cool THEY were funny and
I just enjoyed watching and listening to thei r antics. WOW....I FEEL SO SAD
I cant do this I cant, ryan,ryan,...why why did it have to end
haha ..funny the beatles dont let me down is on, AND I guess in a way I felt let down
ryan ryan was my inspiration for my blogs ..and look mnow ...he has nothing todomwith me..he says he doesnt hate me ..wellI dont believe that at all.
My life has totally changed since the storm.I am like the city...I too must rebuild rebirth.I must put away allthose painful me meories of my childhood
bury it burn it start fresh start fresh...and so the hurricane the katrina gave
me my reason to live to start fresh it jarred free memories that were locked inside me tucked away inside,memories I tried desperately tried to forget ,COPING WITH THEM AS THOUGH they didnt exist,Making up my fairy tales. LIES these lies were much more easier to live with .I didnt want people to know dad drank every day and slept in my bed most nites or that no on said I love you or hugged me oh know allI heard was
wish you werent born your stupid your fat your ugly no one wants ya
but in reality these statements my dad told me made him feel good I guess
no one loved him he didnt know how to love yes but he sure knew how to drink
Ahhhhh good old catholic girl,HAHAH the same catholic girl whodrank wine at 13
smoked weed at 14 and started making out and teasing boys at 15 sex at 16..yes good olsd catholic girl hahaha sounds like a song eh?
oh,yes mini mini skirts daisy dukes halter tops no bras hitchhiking
looking at the submarine races at the lake.Yes,spite daddy saying I WAS fat.i
made sure by the time I WAS 13 I was one fine 34 24 34 girl tight peanut low ride jeans barely covering your coochie and tgight knit body suits.

hahaha yes daddy fat you say joke was on you ,,,and then he called me too sking and a slut.wow daddy such fine words for your onlky baby girl.only girl
But I had fun I GOT the boys I had fun the weed laced brownies were good
teching a 15 yr old boy how tofrench kiss at 16 wow that was mmmmmfun
me and terri skipped school.smoking,sometimes getting beer on friadays
hey,the guy behind the cashier didnt mind he like our mini skirts and tight shirts as we leaned over showing our haha peky boobs that was so excited..and daring
and damn it made me feel good..after allmI NEVER got any love at home/
that s how I GOT kevein my halter tops mini skirst bandana halters braless
long brown hair too my ass brown eyes I was that brown eyed girl like in the song.

yes daddy raised a good catholic girl and yes katrina got all those memories
of dads drinking his smell his slouching ..and yet believe it or not I stillfeel
bad talking about him you know honor thy parenta parents dad was a monster
a drunk stenching monsterr,and mom good old mom she didnt say anything she was in lil brothers bed she never said anything to dad wow good old mom guess she didnt want
to get beat up by dad
yess my life after katrina was pure hell ...i didnt know if I WOuls ever make it
God i WAS FUCKED UP I MEAN REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP.
ANd dad died after katrina and ..no I never went to his funeral fuck him fuck him
I didnt want to be a hypnocrit..I had done enough lying about him all my life it wastime to put and end to it and yes too bad I didnt end it sooner.
although after mom died Im never talked to dad at allhe begged me but I never went
every time he saw me he always criticized me always.
and well,I wasnt going tolet him do it any more
yes ...after 4 yrs I guess I GOT A LITTLE BETTER ,my shrink told me there is noway i can ever return to work so now i am going to tell workers comp that they are going to pay me reaaly good fuck them the son of bitches ....
i feel like a looser a free loader lazy ..but hell I live off of pills to make me sleepto makeme have no nitemares and for the day when im have flash backs
wow ..mothers little helpers pink ones blue ones square round whie
pop them and i feel no pain just numb just a zombie but better than the tears
hahaa somany tears for somany reasons
tears for ryan ...tears for my loss of my childhood tears for loss of me sue
I dont know who I am for so long since 16 I WORKED and now at the age of 51 I am still not working

yes ryan FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....YOU DIDNT FUCKIN CARE ABOUT ME IT WAS ALL A SHOW ...ALL FOR THE SHOW ...SUCH A BASTARD...I GAVE ALLOF YOU GUYS MY HEART mylove
my soul my freindship ..i careed about you and your showang,,,,and for what
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU JUST FUCKING USED ME .I THOUGHT I REALLY THOUGHT YOU AND RON WERE DIFFERANT BUT YA NOT
damn ryan...spite all this I CAN FORGIVE YOU

OK ENOUGH SAID I AM TOO SADDENED

PEACE OUT

NAWLS

4TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE KATRINA

YES,ANOTHER YEAR HAS PAST SINCE "THE KATRINA"AND SOMEHOW,THE NEWS MEDIA DIDNT HYPE IT UP AS THEY HAD ,OR ,MORE THAN LIKELY,I JUST KEPT CLEAR AWAY FROM ANY PAPER,NEWS,RADIO ETC,SO THAT I COULD AVOID ALL THAT ' FEELINGS' They never go away ,not totally,They are ,the memories ,the emotions,the feelings etc,tucked away in a safe place,where it only surfaces,when I cant ,cant controlit.But,at least after four years ,the memories are not as raw...as they were, but thats not to say
the memories dont arise from the ashes of my memories, At times,when,I least expect it ,they comesurfacing ,with demonic revenge,and ,its ,its a pain ,an emotion,no one,
noit I can explain,Its a ,a,sick,sick,wretching ,pain,deep down your soul,ripping at you ,gripping you,,,,and I just stand there numb...trying not to be noticible ..
its a gut wrethching,sadness,and its like ,,,I feel I gotta get out,I panic ,
my mind leaves and goes of to another place,,,I just want to weep scream ...but
its so painful it nothing comes out,and then you remember that ,,,feeling the fear
the shame the anger the guilt all emotions rolled into one...Why? Why now?
cant this damn katrina demon leave me alone....?
My God,the emotions those raw emotions ,,,enter your mind ,,I just want toleave
run...ahhh but that would be too easy and who would win that battle?
who would loose? I have way to far into this recovery,healing process to let the demon win..And it can be so so easy to do ,,,I could raise my hands up in the air and wave the flag and surrender to the demon....But,,,I have suffered way too
much to give up now,And yes at times I have given in to the demon because
you just get so so tired and the memories the fear the shame the hate the anger the guilt ...are way to much to handle,,,and you want people to get it get you
understand you listen to you help you ...but so many dont
The pain gets so unbearable and your mind is so so ,,,,,screwed up filled with distortions delusions paronia ...you lay in your bed for days weeks months in the dark ...not having hope or faith or the willto live the guilt the shame
Why did you live while others died? Why did you just just go numb while the patients
asked for help and there you stood still ...frozen with fear...could i die here?
But,,,it was so hard ,,so damn hard ...and now after days and weeks of thinking i am dying spending days lifeless ...constantly reliving those memories the wind howlinmg the shaking of the biuldings the floors the walls crashing outside our onky source from the outside world a radio with mews of levees breaking 20 to 25 ft tidal surges ...people on roof tops stranded people in the nite screaming for help shootings,,,
I never knew what the war vets went thru when they spoke of flashbacks ..but
now I do I know all to well ...its like your in the movie your there reliving it
oOH GOD PLEASE DONT LET ME DIE ...HERE I was the one that suppose to be strong
....huddlindg like a coward ,shaking begging for my life my life ,,in a stair well
...and the flashbacks were so damn scary,,, i was reliving it over and over again
the fear the shame the pain..oh GOD it was hot hot and stench and unsanitary conditions....i couldnt go i couldnt go no longer...i was was just frozen with fear
and shame ...I was there to help these patients ...but i coulnt i was frozen
....what was that all about? I was to be the strong one,,,,here we all were
in a hospital with an empty city a mandatory evcuation..we were all alone
GOD WILL WE SUREVIVE WILL WE DIE WITH THESE TIDAL SURGES FORCING SWEEPING OVERAND DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN SITE.Oh no...I dont wantto drown no i dont wantto drown
my GOD ..why?i was cursing the same God I was asking to save me ...
....I am so damn tired of all the crap I hear from my ex friends from Canada who say they just dont get it. Tells me to get over it come on you fucking assholes
.....sleepless nites for days weeks months after the katrina...I was just so so
sad jumpy the flashbacks were so so so scary and I couldnt help my kids
they were depressed and I didnt know it I was so so so depressed i never left my room
no baths not eating and didnt want to sleep cause then came the dreams horror nite terrors i just couldnt get away from them i would scream scream blood curling screams I just wanted to die and and in my mind my dying would help all everyone my family friendsall..you see they wouldnt have to see me or be with me or be botherd with me
I tried many times to be put in a mental hospital...i had to i had to i couldnt take it i couldnt take it I was not happy i never laughed or smiled at all
.....I just screamed and cried and constantly looking in medical books and computers to see what diesese i was dying from...
depression I think i could handle ...or so so I THOUGHT ...BUT THIS ptsd
oOH MY GOG .... that was was the ultimate....the city the city we didnt go back to our house unttil almost a month and when we drove down our street and saw allthese tree oak trees uprooted i was like prepared for the worse and when we saw our house untouched i went down to my knees and thn=anked the same God I cursed earlier
But...we were lucky almost every other parish along the coast was destroyed
like houses pulled off the slabs cars on roofs houses flattened boats yachts tossed into a pile like tonka toys ...water at some places as high as 12 ft.levees broke and flooded chlamette ninth ward and lake view....everting looked gray the water didnt go down to a month in the areas that flooded
it was one trauma to work thru the katrina but then to see the city you love destroyed boats house yacts cars buses barges in the street
our cummunity was destroyed....we were destroyed MY GOD estmated 1900 people lost their lives bodies floating in the waters IS THIS REALLY AMERICA

yes i wanted to end it i wanted to take a handful of fucking pills and end it
i wanted to take the easy way out ....but there would be no more pain....
there were no mental health docs workers etc for solong suicicide rayte went up
people lost everything lost their home thier lives everything
it may be the cowardly way out but....the pain wasunbearable
the voices the cries of thre patients that were dying or scared continuely played like a 45 record in my mind their faces the fear in their eyes todie ...alone
and tohave their bodies gowho knows where...there was nosafe place toput them ...
the entire metroof new orleans was gone,,,,the metro area was abanded except for or who had no way out no transportation
You get the next few days venture outside ...telephone polesdown,electric wires down....trees entire trees uprooted and this was tobe the scene alldown the coastal louisiana mississippi and alabama3 states ...flattened
Yes ,,,even now after 4 years ..i still get sad sad tothe pit of my stomache
unless you were here and sawand witnessedthe damage...I DONT WANT TOHEAR AND I CAN NOT TOLERATE peoplescrap...oh but i dont see it i dontget it other places gets tornandooes
many compared us to 9/11 okthat was bad and many people died...and ifeel
very sad and angry ,,,however,it was a small area people houses wasnot flattened
there entire comunities were not destroyed they did not have water inthe streets for amonth etc etc
I dont mean tobe disrepectful but...there is nocpompariso none none at all
for those guys in canada ryan jason.... YOU ARE THE ONES THAT DONT HAVE A CLUE
where were you guys? did you go and helprebuild?did you send aide ? did you do it
knowing me and that my home was destroyed?You both are absolutely totally selfish
non caring despoise USA especially you ryan....with your globalwarming bullshit
dosomething now to help so meone in need you criticize me for my suicide ideations
HEY UNTILYOU WALK IN MY SHOES AND LIVE IN MY WORLD AND EXPERINCE A FOURTH WHAT I HAD
DURING KATRINA THEN WE CAN TALK globalwarming is a bunch of buracratic bullshit just something for the politicians to make people think they are doing something great for theworld.Hey ...you are concerned about the world? come to new orleans chalmette
houma ninth wardlakeview gentilly ...etc helprebuild the playgrounds and helpreplant
trees and flowers ans=d shrubs etc that died after having salt water for amonth.
RYAN,,,,I,I,TRY TO BE A GOOD PERSON,AND I THINK I AM.
AND JASON....PITY PARTY RYAN ...GET A GRIP SUICIDE IS REAL ITS SERIUOS AND OND ONE DAY YOU MAY VERY WELL WILLHAVE A dear one be suicidal.Yes its scary,but its so real....
my world my life was turned completly upside down I have been working since i was 15 and when huricane katrina hit I WAS 47 ...and ...cause of my ptsd flashbacks delusions niteterrors disaccoiations etc...i can no longer work...that makes me feel
useless...think about it ,,,ahhhh you cant...you are only 5 yrs older than my oldest child brittany who willturn 23 this friday.

wow...I have been thru a lot cried a lot lied yes to rachel ....tokevin tomy kids moreimportant to me I am indeeed a specialperson who does have many years of life ahead and i guess i placed allmy worth in my job and i wanted to make every one happy ,everyone but me
...I have come far but it was not not easy but nothing in th eworld is ever easy
and so ...i think I WROTE ENOUGH
please please ryan jason... please I hope one day you willrealize i meant noharm

and one day we may make peace I certainly hope so

i love you both

peace out
may all the victoms of katrina rest inpeace
and may allthe survivors of katrina
keep on moving on one day day by day the pain willbe leass
andit will be tucked away in that special spot

GOD BLESS ALL

the monster has won but damnit ryan ryan ryan cant you see the pain you caused me you must admit it to yourself,Dont sit back and say what the fuck i was sending those suicidal ideations to you?dont you get it? i was was was soooo fucking sad
....about what ?life about the paint he darknes ths endless memories of the people crying begging not to die,the relentless fear of me dying in the hospiatal.
ryan ryan ryan you HURT ME BAD why? do you not know not to ...not to
i was sad so sad ....and i just didnt get it why you hated me why you hated me
so much to do it to just stab me curse me out i wasnot trying to hurt you
DAMN IT RYAN....i feel so sad i wanted to die do you get it did you get it??
I took a bunch of pills that day.Alli knew is i reached out to you to jason
and you both ....didnt care didnt fucking care. you must hate me ryan?
and that day i just wanted to die,,,,,all you had to do was dont do it sue dont kill yourself dont do it....NO YOU JUST CURSED ME OUT
DAMN RYAN HILL DAMN RYAN HILL I KNOW I BELIEVE YOU HATE ME
AND ONE DAY ONE DAY....I MAY SUCCEED ON KILLING MYSELF AND THATS WHY
you didnt want to get to be my friend.....you didnt want to get hurt?
But ryan i loved you i though you you were my freind i loved you i think like my son

...ryan hill ;;( am trully sorry if i die I shall be your guardain angel
cause i still care

goobye

sue

wow another day a ?nd I still hear nothing from ryan or ron and jason well he threatened me with sending a virus to my computer and knocking out my computer.
Now,thtascompssion eh? wtf is wrong with him I ask myself ? Wtf is wrong with a person who is and acts so clueless when it comes to mentalillness depression suicide
Can a person be thts STUPID? Do you you tell acrying person ,really mean and angry
i am and dont expect me to listen to your crying. WELL ,wtf,I am just a suicidal
person,a depressed person,Does he think I can turn my tears off like a faucet?
I just cant fathom people being so ignorant and just hateful and cruel,
and dont understand the consquences that may occur to that depressed persomn on the other end of the phone?Ans Ryan ,you,you,say ,you never are sadm,what a pile of crap.
You surely dont believe that,and you surely dont believe I believe that. Ryan,
if indeed you do believe this ,than ,you are only fooling yourself. Honestly,
people cant be happy allthe time ,come on,be truthful and honest to yourself.
My depression is something I must live with ,and ,you Jason and ryan ,just...
you just insist on not trying to understand,and you treat as some ,looney
person,or as you say Ryan a child,but ,dont judge me,really dont judge me.You,have never experienced any of the traumas and events that i have ,so ,therefore dont juge me.You,say you have the right to not respond to things ,ok ,i agree,but ,when I ask what you think about my pics are a songetc.you choose not to respond.
However,you want to hear anything about your music pics etc. See,you cant have it
a one way relationship,a all you ,fuck you relationship.
You.know ,what I think I think you are afraid of getting close to someone,
I think you are scared,shy,quiet etc,But,hey,thats cool , but just say that ,ryan
just say hey sue I am really shy and find it hard to share my feelings.
Ryan,you once were rerally nice and kind to m,e.YOU were funny and kind and
you seemed to cars. i loved your smile and your laugh and i genuinely loved you
perhaps you were scared ,i dont know,I wish I did
all three of you guys ron jasonand ryan,you made me smile and laugh and I
thought you guys were sincere ,but in the end ,you just did it for the show .dont piss off a fan.ryan both jason and ron warned me about you,and how you were,but,
i didnt believe it,,,ryan,please pleas promise you k\learned something from this ,
experience,please never ignore a person who is suicidal,never curse them or say what you did tome .I was so soso so depressed ,,not cause of you but because of everything
depression that dark dark deep depression thats holds you controls you takes away your will to live it cripples your soul and cripples your spirit and ..you just are so damn numb,and the pain the pain so munbearable your mind rushing heart beating you you cant breathe..and you just lay in bed in a ball and you rock and rock stare
stare a blank stare and ...you feel nothing nothing
and the the thoughts those thoughts of lets just die lets just do it end iot no one cares no one gives a damn ..they say,,,wtf is wrong with you shake it off
wtf are you doing they say all the wrong words do allthe wrong things...
shake it off get a grip...do you think I would have fucking done that if i could
dont you see dont you see what we need to hear is please we need you we love you
we will miss you but instead instaed you say stop with your fucking guilkt trip suicidal ideations Dont you get it dont you get it?
the memories the flashbacks your tired of the hurt the pain you are tired just so tired you just feel you lost the battle the dragon the monster has w

HERE IT IS ANOTHER ENTRY ABOUT....THEM,THE CANADIANS I THOUGHT WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.
BUT I WAS WRONG.IT JUST HURTS ,YOU KNOW,REALLY HURTS,ALL OF MY LIFE,PEOPLECAME AND WENT,THEY JUST DIDNT GET ME OR PERHAPS THEY DID ,AND DIDNT WANT TO DEALWITH IT;ALL MY CHILDHOOD LIFE ,I LIVED WITH LIES,YOU KNOW A LOVING PARENTS ,TEACHING ME VALUES.THAT YOU SHOULD HELP OTHERS,WOW,THIS HURTS SO MUCH,THERE IS SO MUCH
HURT AND PAIN AND TEARS THAT STILL NEED TO BE SHED.
BUT,I MET THESE GUYS FROM CANADA,AND ,I THOUGHT ,WOW THEY ARECOOL,BUTIT WAS JUST AN IMAGE ,JUST SOMETHING TO KEEP THE FANS HAPPY,IT WAS,AN ACT,AND LIKE THEM,I TOOLIVED AN ACT,
WOW,I MISS THEM .I HURT,I CRY....I DONT UNDERSTAND IT,,,,WHY ...WHY I HAVE SO MUCH FEELINGSFOR RYAN. HEESOR AT LEAST I THOUGHT HE WAS A CARING PERSON,REAL.
PERSON .NONE OF THAT FAKE BULLSHIT.BUT IN THE END HE TURNED OUT TO BE ...JUST LIKE THE REST.BUT....THE FEELINGS FOR RYAN ...WAS STRONGER THAN ...IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.'
DID I FALLIN LOVE WITH HIM ,OR JUST WHAT HE STOOD FORM ...FREE SPIRITED,,YOUTH..
I GUESS I STILL STRUGLLE WITH THESE FEELINGS.
I THINK ,PEOPLE CAN MORE THAN ONE PERSON,IN I GUESS CERTAIN LEVELS,WAYS.
I SAW A GENTLE PERSON AT TIMES ,ONE THAT REALLYCARED,O FUNNY WITTY,AND YES
A SEXY GUY. HIS VOICE .HIS LAUGH HIS SMILE...IT JUST TOOK HOL OF ME
AND I JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT...AND I GUESS WHWEN HE FINALLY DECIDED HE HAD ENOUGHOF MY....DEPRESSED WAYS.DEPRESSED THINKING,MY SUICIDE THOUGHTS HE LEFT.
BUTAT LEASTRYAN WAS ALWAYS HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE CALED AN INTERNET AQAINTANCE
AND I JUST FELT CRUSHED....I TRIED NOT TO BELIEVE IT I TRIED TO THINK I COULD CHANGE IT OMG...YOU KNOW IT STILL HURTS I CANT LOOK AT HIM OR LISTEN TO HIM
HE WAS HE WAS SO SPECIAL TO ME AND I GUESS IN WAY HE GOT TANGLED UP IN MY
WEB OF FANTASIES LIKE THE STORIES I MADE UP IN CHILDHOOD TO SURVIVE I BELIEVED
HE CARED I BELIEVED HE HAD LIKED ME AS A FRIEND MORE THAN HE WANTED TO ADMIT AND MAYBE HE STRTED TO LIKE ME ASA FREIND BUT WAS AFRAID ,,,,TO GET TOO CLOSE

HERE I GO..MY MIND JUST GOES IN CIRCLES AND THINKS ALL THESE DISTORTED THOUGHTS
HOWEVER,I KNOW IN MY HEART,THAT I LOVE HIM ,,,I DO I WILLALWAYS LOVE HIM
HES JUST SO GENTLE KIND CARING OR SO I THOUGHT AND EVEN AFTER HE SAID THOSE NASTY THINS TOME..I STILLLOVE HIM.THIS IS MY LIFE I NEVER GOT ANY AFFECTION FROM MY FAMILY
SO....ANY FORM OF AFFECTION I GOT EVEN IT CAME WITH ALLTHIS CRAP THE CONTROL THE INSULTS THE PAIN THE DISRESPECT,,,IT STILLWAS SOME FORM OF WARPED AFFECTION AND I ACCEPTED AND ..BY DOING SO ALLOWED THEM THOSE WHO LOVED ME PERMISSION TO DIRESPECT ME
WOW AN AHHA MOMENT. I ACCEPTED ALL THE CRAP FROM ALL THE GUYS RELATIONSHIPS PERIOD.I GAVE THEM PERMISSION TO TREAT ME LIKE MTHAT,,I SHOULD NEVER ACCEPT ANY OF THAT CRAP BUT I WAS JUST SO GLAD TO GET THE ATTENTION
I DIDNT WANT THEM TO LEAVE..AND SOON THEY PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS TELLING ME NO ONE WOULD PUT UP WITH YOU AND I BELIEVED IT
WOW OMG WHAT
VEATWATA
H AT