sadness

ok its me again,there is so much pain,i am feeling now.ITS so hard to explain,
ocd is such a difficult illness to understand and tolerate.PEOPLE just get hung up on certain rituals,certain behaviors,and they just cant stop,you try ,you try,to stop,its panick,anxiety,sheer pain,your mind is playing that same tape over and over,
your body shakes ,feel jittery,,,,struggle ....want to stop,,,no i will not do it again,,you try minutes seems like hours and it just just cant be done.
and..everyone thinks how peculiar and odd and strange you are.At times people call you "a child" WHY? my ocd with many different issues and its always changes.
FRom,calling and calling about bills and stuff,to keep checking things around the house to presently checking and emailing guide,Its so crippling ,its just so crippling.But ,I ,struggle i struggle ,to stop,but ,its ,i like to compare it
too being possessed.
No one can never trully understand the pain you go thru.ocd is just like any other illness.diabetes,high blood pressure,etc ,but somehow,everyone treats it
like its something people can control. Ocd is not that easy to "get rid of"/
and no guide, I hate it when you say your acting like a child when,i kept on emailing you.Get it ,its an illness.And ,yes,I do realise,how,it can be nerve racking
and intensely,irratating.
At times,I just sit,and shake inside ,freak out, wanting to email and...
its so hard.
ok guide tha ts it,