sues autobiograpy continu

ok and so it continues.My life was just pure hellmafter katrina.It was
filled with vivid horrid painful scary memories ,flasbckas of the katrina.
Allto vivid all to too often.I relived the moments ,the smellsthe heat the fear
the screms the cries the anger, Anger of God anger for the hospital anger for the company anger for the lawyers.I spent months in bed,barely living spiritually
mentally.Thought I lost me and dodnt know whoI was.I had lost my job,and couldnt
physiaclly,mentally could not work.Yet everday i looked at the want ads ,,,
work was my life ..what ,who am i without it? I was so ,so,sick,and I just ,just
couldnt shake it anymore .The flashbacks,the nite terrors,the darkness,the walking in the fog ,the shame .the guilt,the anger,it had gotten so unbearable that
i just wanted to die and one day I told them put meinto a hospital I knew I
would kill myself.I did .got out ,got rachel and that was the turning point
of my life.She was my salvation,she saved me fromthe ravages of depression
and ptsd.And then ,after dealing with the prick of a doc I had at the hospital
whoafter 3 months told me he could dono more for me .He had said he knew
i was faking this to get disability.I left his office crying sobbing feeling like shit.I could not believe a doc a shrink could act that much like an ass.
and during all this I was figting my job for workers comp.The insurance people
were such assholes dragged me to the ground,made lite of my job during the hospital
but thru my depression,my anger,i was determined to win.I knew I would never
work again.and too the fucking old shrink who said there was no way in hell I would win my case or get disability...AHHHH I guess the secret wirks rachel
yes i went to court and God gave me the strength to hold on and being positive
thru it all the secret pervailed,
It wasnt about the money somush as it was about the fact at how the hospital treated us.
but for three years I have been dealing with this.AND YES i FORGOT TO MENTION DR
GLADE,the moment she saw me heard my story she knew then that I was suffering from
ptsd.I had always thought that was just what milatary got.But she put a name to it
now i knew i was not crazy or dying iwas illvery ill I would just shake and cry and ramble and at times dr glade would tell me your thought patterns are all twsted and distorted.But dr glade and rachel they are my saviors and I thank god for them
dr glade tried many meds before ones finally work.the nite terrors were getting just horrible this fear panic numb numb anger shame guilty embarassment
compulsive Rachel in the beggining told me it willget better i promise i told her i dont fucking believe that
but rache and dr glade never gave up on me ,even when I wanted to give up on myself Many many people didnt understand.why cant you just get your meds and get better and go back to work .wow how that hurt how it hurt they didnt get it
i wished i could AND YET EVEN i wanted to go back I was so so sad ,work was my life
was who i was and now i lost me what will I DO? i FELT ASHAMED that I couldnt just
get over this what the fuck was wrong with me? I neesde to find out who I was
and ...eventually relised workwas just my occupTION it wasnt me ,,and in the midst of all my depression and denial of my depression I just needed work to be a coping
mechanism tohide my real deep depression that I had been in and denied for so long.
I amjust living for today,,
the workwas sohard and I soon REALISED i cant put a time on it that I just work
and progress inmy own time .I leasrned to live for today . but what I didnt expect from this was was the ,jarring of my memeories of my dad his abuse emotional verbal physical and yes sexual.HE was a drunk and the trauma of the storm braught back those dark deep secrets I hid for so long .at times i think i can hear him calling me
feel his breath on my neck feel him on my bed ..OMG ..this this is so frightening
and ipanic i screm.......must continue later