sues story cont

ahhhh another entry I apologize for the somewhat disorganiztion of the story. But ,at
times.my mind just .kinda goes numb.perhaps .its just the process of writing allthese things down.I get really upset and panicky and ...I just must take a break.
There has been so much trauma in my life ,it seems like ,life doesnt give me a chance to chillout from one when another hits me, somany things in my life
the death of my freind at 32 yrs old almost 24 yrs ago the death of the 13 yr old boy,
the suicide of my coworker the death of my dearest friend at doctors hospital
my fatherinlaws death,mymoms death my dads death,the lost of my job of 19yrs
the lost of kevins job of 17 yrs my 2000 brekdown katrina lost of a job
my disability my workers compcase jeremys 6 week hospital stay and jermys dx of
a mood order wow
but the most the most important of allwas the horrific childhood the one i never had the emotionai shit from dad the welts onmy legs and arms and my duct tape shoesand school bags and dad drunk mom and dad yelling and me being call
a slut stupid fat worthless oh man ..lets just ask this question.why am i fucked up?
and yet a part of me struggles struggles to not feelguility about telling on my dad or my mom ...it should be kept away deep down inside.all girls wants to be daddys little girl.and...i never have that and never will an dthat that just saddens me
and you know honor you parents ,,,MY GOD I am wondering what willdad do when i die?
i feelso gulity that I am ashamed of my mom and dad its juts not the american dream
but since the hurricane i just dreamthese vile .vile dreams and iscreamloudly
its allabout dad but sometimes i dream about katrina ...idreamnt once brittany was dead and they braugt her to me

people somany people dont get me dont get the trauma of katrina I think it really does make you feelbetter writng about as much as you can but my god
It took away somthing fromme possibly the most important trust and it gave me
back the simple life to treasure each day live each day one day at a time
the healing has been hard work I will not lie and i am not saying that all is
good with my life i stillhave flasbacks ,and niteterrors and anger and pain
and hurt but now now i know what it is it happens i breathe i go outside i think of something beutiful the healing will be a continous process the fog has been lifted
I do have bad moments ,,but i realise it willgo away
spiritually i believe in gaurdian angels they are around me at times when i get scared i ,i can just feel them nearby and my mind just is overcome with joy
and peace no more looking into the future
i must not give my dad power the power to gring me down I must get my self esteem up and accept me for me my goals is toleace each day as it comes
and believe inthe secret because the secret has been with me since katrina
allthings happen for a reason
i must take time out for me and i cant be a human giver to everyone
and that is my goaland Iknowi stillhave a long time for more healing
thisis the beginning of anewmme