sues autobiograpy continued

yes,I do believe my whole entire life I suffered from depression and ,as my shrink tells me,maybe even PTSD. But ,I was in total denial.I was the strong one,at least on the outside,but ,deep down,in my soul,and my spirit was destroyed ,torn,tattereed
lost,in a world of fear,shame,guilt,confusion .loneliness,and saddness beyond what any child should ever tolerate.Ahhh,but my parents ,they made sure I NEVER had hope ,love,self esteem ,But ,yet,I did astonishly well, for what i had to endure.
But,I had ,to ,if I wanted to survive. And somewhere ,as Michael Jackson sings
"have you seen my childhood?"
So,I guess th eanswer to the question is ,yes,I HAD A CHILDHOOD ILLNESS THAT LASTED AND CONTINUED AND WORSENED AS THE YEARS PASSED,I would lie to everyone,make my parents as great role models.Who was I trying to confess,the people or me?
And ,the answer to that is quite clear now,I was trying to convince me.
I had so many coping skils ,that,I could confess myself I DIDNT NEED HELP.
No,not at all, you just dont sleep,you just cry hysterically,you obsess at everything ,all just like mom.Ahhh,but ,like mom,I was confessed it was menapuase.
Thats what they told mom,and thats what I was told, But,in my sick,distorted,
delusionalmind,that sounded like the culprit,
Now,looking back,I do realize ,that my was severely depressed,ahe had to be to put up with a controlling,lousy,druken husband. But,that doesnt excuse her from
sleeping with my brother,making me go get dad at the bar,and most importantly
allowing my dad to fall asleep in my bed. Parents are suppose to protect youfrom harm ,evenif it is your dad? And,I know,because ,I too .have suffered the darkest
and blackest years of depression ,but even then ,I knew I could never let my chidren
stay with dad, Although ,one week end we did ,me and kevin went on a well deserved 3 day cruise,and mom and dad watched the kids. Well,soon after,brittany,just stopped talking,And ,I wanted to believe it was daycare,,I JUST COULDNT,believe dad did it.
Hell,mom and dad blamed it on kevins parents.And ,as sick and as warped ,I wanted to believe it too. But,after that the kids never stayed ther by themselves.
And,I know this ate away at me,blame,guilt,anger,self doubt,but thru my doubt ,I
knew,that it was dad,My God,the chain willbe broken, But I NEVER CONFRONTED MY DAD
with either my sexual abuse or brittanys.However,I eventually ,I had told mom.
In my married years we did become more closer,I GUESS because,I WASnt at the
hands and mercy of my dad, But,one day I told my mom,and I dont know if she believed me ,somehow ,I THINK ,DEEP INSIDE SHE KNEW, But she ,still hung on to her preciuos religious beliefs, That is your dad she said.WTF.So,i said,she said you gotta talk to him .I said wtf ,talk,surely your joking,?
Soon,mom was not aloud to talk to me .Dad would say I WAS UPSETTING HER, FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU No.i didnt say it but I wanted too, oh ,how I wanted too, He wanted to see the kids ,but I still didnt say hey you bastard ,remember ,i was the one you went to bed with ,Your precious daughter. And so,the relationship I finally yearned for with my mom.was now,gone,compliments of dad. Bastrd, But, why,why could I not confront my dad? I just think it was my coping skills .I guess I wasnt ready to deal with it.
Then mom got ill,cancer,she should have died .but she didnt. I WAS going to nursing school,and dad and mom told me ,made me feel guilty,that i should quit nursing school to take are of dad when moms in the hospital. And like an ass I did
What control did he have over me? and after that things got worse again
dad didnt like hospitals so i had to stay every nite, dad didnt take care of mom at home ,no he was an invalid BASTARD.
And when mom was in the hospital.after about 2 months or so,my aunt called me up,not my dad,not my brothers my aunt,toldme mom was in ICU and in critical conndition,she was on the vent,continous dialysis,and we had made her a dnr.
I still was working ,and I couldnt take off all that time.When I went there
I just couldnt,hold her,touch her hand,do anything,i just didnt feel or knew how to express or show love to mom. I never had it from them.WHEN mom died
I was there ,but,I NEVER CRIED ,I nevr kissed her goodbye,Nothing, And I know that sounds SO HEARTLESS,BUT VERY TRUE.my mom was gone and we could never talk again,I could never get a chance to get close with my mom,But,I guess,I still resented mom
for not being there when I NEEDED HER,FOR SHOWING ATTETion to ted and not me.
and ,yes,I resneted ted for taking away mom from me
anyway,sometime befor moms death,the denial ,the depression ,it took a toll over me. I could no longer function, Kevein was having an emotional affair,and I like ,a
weak person,begged him not to leave me.I was so delusional ,I thought kevein had a porn site at the house,My god,I believed this ,and I told his mom and his sisters,
bUT,nobody siad a thing like sue ,,,I think you need help.I was anxous ,racing thoughts,One day kevein told me to dont come back home i was going to work,
I went to work,laid on the floor,and proceeded to cry hysterically. At that point
I had finally broke,,,I was way to fucked up and word went around the hospital
.So,i took off 5 months of work,in which work was really trying to let me go,THOSE
5 months were HORRIBLE. i COULDNT EAT .SLEEP LAY DOWN YET,i DONT KNOW WHY MY DOC DIDNT PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL
i GOT BETTER and went back to work, But ,I really wasnt better,,,Keveiwas still
being an ass at times.I was so scared T ANY MOMENT WORK WOULD LET ME GO
rumors were flying how I WAS NUTS AND MY boss told me I needed jesus.
yes the same boss the would tellme constantly you are fucking up and I was
not with pts but my contration was horrible i thought i HAD ADD,
Eventually, I was getting worse again,and I was suicidal,and i asked them please put me in the hospital and IWAS admitted for 4 days and let out.but I still didnt feel right.
But good old susan wasback to her routine work work super mom super wife etc
But what about me....
then the hospital was sold we lost our jobs we were never offered any jobs at any other hospitals and in fact my pay went down 5 dollors
But the hospital crap went on for a year we were being sold but we didnt know by who or when or if we would have a job so that entire year was horrific
we lived in fear and on pins and needles ,people were slowly getting laid off
....well after year we were bought,, it was sad it slowly emptied out the patients it was like a slow death,it was my family i was there for amost 20 years
and now its closed and our family has died or it felt like that
then a co worker /freind committed suicide becaquse he didnt know what work he could do,I TOOK IT HARD AND BLAMED MYSELF FOR NOT realizing how suicidal he was 'I still
feel as though I COULD HAVE SAVED him.It still hurts