Well.here Igo another entry,DAYS lately have been absouluetly CRAPPY. Why?
Well,my son Jeremy is still very depressed anxious nervous panicky suiciadal and now
he willbe be homeschooled by MOM.He tried school,and they made allthese plans and
help for him but somehow,mysteriously l.they dont recall any of these plans or
accomadations.Sure they say we can haqve a meeting and discuss this ,No bull shit I am tired of fighting ,JEREMY meds needs to be adjusted and they make him groggy
and bsised all this ,the kids there are so dis ruptive.His own special ed teacher
stopped emailing me.WTF I say to her. I dont fucking need her, Jeremy is really excited about it and I know I can teach he more than he is getting now/
Imean Jeremy was so sad ,Girl problems,This girl talked to Jeremy allthe time
but when she met Jeremy ,after that she stopped.That devastated Jeremy.
He was so sad and Itold him just fuck her,She is just shallow.I told him girls can be bitches,He cried he taked it over with his friends and he decided he will justnot contact her,and she just stopped contact all together ,I told him goo dfor you.
' It is the hardest thing to see your child depressed ,sad crying shaking saving he is stupid and uglky . I told him beauty lies within the person,But ,Of course when you are a teenager that is hard to believe, But,he is a smart,funny,talented,
warm,gentle young man, And his smile can lite up the room. But of course I can be partial.Teenage years and peer pressure is so much harder than in my years.
DRUGS,ALCOHAL,GANGSA,ETC,and thnak GOD Jeremy doesnt smoke cigerttes,dope,drink or have had sex, Which,in these times is pretty unbelievable.But I love him to death,
his my teddy bear,
And,damn,with all of jeremys troubles .I was like ,walking on thin ice,My nerves was raw,I was sleeping way too much,taking my feel good pills so I wouldnt
feelthe pain.Its so hard to see your child depressed ,and sad,and especially when ya kinda get what he is feeling.
AS for as ryan is concerned,I am no where as sad as I WAS, although,I STILL GET UPSET.I still love the guy,and I just cant look at him or listen tom him,It still makes me cry.I know hes young and all,but,for CHRISTS sake,he must realize telling someone who is suicidal to stop fucking emailing him suicidal ideations
WHAT THE FUCK?He must have some common sense? telling a person who is suicidal
to fuck off basically. That was like a knife stabbing me in the back.
but...now I realize I shouldnt let his problems be my problems.
that is his problem he couldnt deal with it. He surely didnt have to be so hateful.ANo answerD at times he was so hateful, He would cvhoose what to answer
I dont know ,he just ,I allowed myself to let him get to me,
I dont know,,,about loving him. He was so sweet I AM maybe in some ways he reminded me of kevin.I DO MISS HIM IDO MISS HIM.a lot.
yOU know when I met ryan and ron and jason I thought wow this is great
what a great international freindship .IT was so cool THEY were funny and
I just enjoyed watching and listening to thei r antics. WOW....I FEEL SO SAD
I cant do this I cant, ryan,ryan,...why why did it have to end
haha ..funny the beatles dont let me down is on, AND I guess in a way I felt let down
ryan ryan was my inspiration for my blogs ..and look mnow ...he has nothing todomwith me..he says he doesnt hate me ..wellI dont believe that at all.
My life has totally changed since the storm.I am like the city...I too must rebuild rebirth.I must put away allthose painful me meories of my childhood
bury it burn it start fresh start fresh...and so the hurricane the katrina gave
me my reason to live to start fresh it jarred free memories that were locked inside me tucked away inside,memories I tried desperately tried to forget ,COPING WITH THEM AS THOUGH they didnt exist,Making up my fairy tales. LIES these lies were much more easier to live with .I didnt want people to know dad drank every day and slept in my bed most nites or that no on said I love you or hugged me oh know allI heard was
wish you werent born your stupid your fat your ugly no one wants ya
but in reality these statements my dad told me made him feel good I guess
no one loved him he didnt know how to love yes but he sure knew how to drink
Ahhhhh good old catholic girl,HAHAH the same catholic girl whodrank wine at 13
smoked weed at 14 and started making out and teasing boys at 15 sex at 16..yes good olsd catholic girl hahaha sounds like a song eh?
oh,yes mini mini skirts daisy dukes halter tops no bras hitchhiking
looking at the submarine races at the lake.Yes,spite daddy saying I WAS fat.i
made sure by the time I WAS 13 I was one fine 34 24 34 girl tight peanut low ride jeans barely covering your coochie and tgight knit body suits.

hahaha yes daddy fat you say joke was on you ,,,and then he called me too sking and a slut.wow daddy such fine words for your onlky baby girl.only girl
But I had fun I GOT the boys I had fun the weed laced brownies were good
teching a 15 yr old boy how tofrench kiss at 16 wow that was mmmmmfun
me and terri skipped school.smoking,sometimes getting beer on friadays
hey,the guy behind the cashier didnt mind he like our mini skirts and tight shirts as we leaned over showing our haha peky boobs that was so excited..and daring
and damn it made me feel good..after allmI NEVER got any love at home/
that s how I GOT kevein my halter tops mini skirst bandana halters braless
long brown hair too my ass brown eyes I was that brown eyed girl like in the song.

yes daddy raised a good catholic girl and yes katrina got all those memories
of dads drinking his smell his slouching ..and yet believe it or not I stillfeel
bad talking about him you know honor thy parenta parents dad was a monster
a drunk stenching monsterr,and mom good old mom she didnt say anything she was in lil brothers bed she never said anything to dad wow good old mom guess she didnt want
to get beat up by dad
yess my life after katrina was pure hell ...i didnt know if I WOuls ever make it
God i WAS FUCKED UP I MEAN REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP.
ANd dad died after katrina and ..no I never went to his funeral fuck him fuck him
I didnt want to be a hypnocrit..I had done enough lying about him all my life it wastime to put and end to it and yes too bad I didnt end it sooner.
although after mom died Im never talked to dad at allhe begged me but I never went
every time he saw me he always criticized me always.
and well,I wasnt going tolet him do it any more
yes ...after 4 yrs I guess I GOT A LITTLE BETTER ,my shrink told me there is noway i can ever return to work so now i am going to tell workers comp that they are going to pay me reaaly good fuck them the son of bitches ....
i feel like a looser a free loader lazy ..but hell I live off of pills to make me sleepto makeme have no nitemares and for the day when im have flash backs
wow ..mothers little helpers pink ones blue ones square round whie
pop them and i feel no pain just numb just a zombie but better than the tears
hahaa somany tears for somany reasons
tears for ryan ...tears for my loss of my childhood tears for loss of me sue
I dont know who I am for so long since 16 I WORKED and now at the age of 51 I am still not working

yes ryan FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....YOU DIDNT FUCKIN CARE ABOUT ME IT WAS ALL A SHOW ...ALL FOR THE SHOW ...SUCH A BASTARD...I GAVE ALLOF YOU GUYS MY HEART mylove
my soul my freindship ..i careed about you and your showang,,,,and for what
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU JUST FUCKING USED ME .I THOUGHT I REALLY THOUGHT YOU AND RON WERE DIFFERANT BUT YA NOT
damn ryan...spite all this I CAN FORGIVE YOU

OK ENOUGH SAID I AM TOO SADDENED

PEACE OUT

NAWLS