4TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE KATRINA

YES,ANOTHER YEAR HAS PAST SINCE "THE KATRINA"AND SOMEHOW,THE NEWS MEDIA DIDNT HYPE IT UP AS THEY HAD ,OR ,MORE THAN LIKELY,I JUST KEPT CLEAR AWAY FROM ANY PAPER,NEWS,RADIO ETC,SO THAT I COULD AVOID ALL THAT ' FEELINGS' They never go away ,not totally,They are ,the memories ,the emotions,the feelings etc,tucked away in a safe place,where it only surfaces,when I cant ,cant controlit.But,at least after four years ,the memories are not as raw...as they were, but thats not to say
the memories dont arise from the ashes of my memories, At times,when,I least expect it ,they comesurfacing ,with demonic revenge,and ,its ,its a pain ,an emotion,no one,
noit I can explain,Its a ,a,sick,sick,wretching ,pain,deep down your soul,ripping at you ,gripping you,,,,and I just stand there numb...trying not to be noticible ..
its a gut wrethching,sadness,and its like ,,,I feel I gotta get out,I panic ,
my mind leaves and goes of to another place,,,I just want to weep scream ...but
its so painful it nothing comes out,and then you remember that ,,,feeling the fear
the shame the anger the guilt all emotions rolled into one...Why? Why now?
cant this damn katrina demon leave me alone....?
My God,the emotions those raw emotions ,,,enter your mind ,,I just want toleave
run...ahhh but that would be too easy and who would win that battle?
who would loose? I have way to far into this recovery,healing process to let the demon win..And it can be so so easy to do ,,,I could raise my hands up in the air and wave the flag and surrender to the demon....But,,,I have suffered way too
much to give up now,And yes at times I have given in to the demon because
you just get so so tired and the memories the fear the shame the hate the anger the guilt ...are way to much to handle,,,and you want people to get it get you
understand you listen to you help you ...but so many dont
The pain gets so unbearable and your mind is so so ,,,,,screwed up filled with distortions delusions paronia ...you lay in your bed for days weeks months in the dark ...not having hope or faith or the willto live the guilt the shame
Why did you live while others died? Why did you just just go numb while the patients
asked for help and there you stood still ...frozen with fear...could i die here?
But,,,it was so hard ,,so damn hard ...and now after days and weeks of thinking i am dying spending days lifeless ...constantly reliving those memories the wind howlinmg the shaking of the biuldings the floors the walls crashing outside our onky source from the outside world a radio with mews of levees breaking 20 to 25 ft tidal surges ...people on roof tops stranded people in the nite screaming for help shootings,,,
I never knew what the war vets went thru when they spoke of flashbacks ..but
now I do I know all to well ...its like your in the movie your there reliving it
oOH GOD PLEASE DONT LET ME DIE ...HERE I was the one that suppose to be strong
....huddlindg like a coward ,shaking begging for my life my life ,,in a stair well
...and the flashbacks were so damn scary,,, i was reliving it over and over again
the fear the shame the pain..oh GOD it was hot hot and stench and unsanitary conditions....i couldnt go i couldnt go no longer...i was was just frozen with fear
and shame ...I was there to help these patients ...but i coulnt i was frozen
....what was that all about? I was to be the strong one,,,,here we all were
in a hospital with an empty city a mandatory evcuation..we were all alone
GOD WILL WE SUREVIVE WILL WE DIE WITH THESE TIDAL SURGES FORCING SWEEPING OVERAND DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN SITE.Oh no...I dont wantto drown no i dont wantto drown
my GOD ..why?i was cursing the same God I was asking to save me ...
....I am so damn tired of all the crap I hear from my ex friends from Canada who say they just dont get it. Tells me to get over it come on you fucking assholes
.....sleepless nites for days weeks months after the katrina...I was just so so
sad jumpy the flashbacks were so so so scary and I couldnt help my kids
they were depressed and I didnt know it I was so so so depressed i never left my room
no baths not eating and didnt want to sleep cause then came the dreams horror nite terrors i just couldnt get away from them i would scream scream blood curling screams I just wanted to die and and in my mind my dying would help all everyone my family friendsall..you see they wouldnt have to see me or be with me or be botherd with me
I tried many times to be put in a mental hospital...i had to i had to i couldnt take it i couldnt take it I was not happy i never laughed or smiled at all
.....I just screamed and cried and constantly looking in medical books and computers to see what diesese i was dying from...
depression I think i could handle ...or so so I THOUGHT ...BUT THIS ptsd
oOH MY GOG .... that was was the ultimate....the city the city we didnt go back to our house unttil almost a month and when we drove down our street and saw allthese tree oak trees uprooted i was like prepared for the worse and when we saw our house untouched i went down to my knees and thn=anked the same God I cursed earlier
But...we were lucky almost every other parish along the coast was destroyed
like houses pulled off the slabs cars on roofs houses flattened boats yachts tossed into a pile like tonka toys ...water at some places as high as 12 ft.levees broke and flooded chlamette ninth ward and lake view....everting looked gray the water didnt go down to a month in the areas that flooded
it was one trauma to work thru the katrina but then to see the city you love destroyed boats house yacts cars buses barges in the street
our cummunity was destroyed....we were destroyed MY GOD estmated 1900 people lost their lives bodies floating in the waters IS THIS REALLY AMERICA

yes i wanted to end it i wanted to take a handful of fucking pills and end it
i wanted to take the easy way out ....but there would be no more pain....
there were no mental health docs workers etc for solong suicicide rayte went up
people lost everything lost their home thier lives everything
it may be the cowardly way out but....the pain wasunbearable
the voices the cries of thre patients that were dying or scared continuely played like a 45 record in my mind their faces the fear in their eyes todie ...alone
and tohave their bodies gowho knows where...there was nosafe place toput them ...
the entire metroof new orleans was gone,,,,the metro area was abanded except for or who had no way out no transportation
You get the next few days venture outside ...telephone polesdown,electric wires down....trees entire trees uprooted and this was tobe the scene alldown the coastal louisiana mississippi and alabama3 states ...flattened
Yes ,,,even now after 4 years ..i still get sad sad tothe pit of my stomache
unless you were here and sawand witnessedthe damage...I DONT WANT TOHEAR AND I CAN NOT TOLERATE peoplescrap...oh but i dont see it i dontget it other places gets tornandooes
many compared us to 9/11 okthat was bad and many people died...and ifeel
very sad and angry ,,,however,it was a small area people houses wasnot flattened
there entire comunities were not destroyed they did not have water inthe streets for amonth etc etc
I dont mean tobe disrepectful but...there is nocpompariso none none at all
for those guys in canada ryan jason.... YOU ARE THE ONES THAT DONT HAVE A CLUE
where were you guys? did you go and helprebuild?did you send aide ? did you do it
knowing me and that my home was destroyed?You both are absolutely totally selfish
non caring despoise USA especially you ryan....with your globalwarming bullshit
dosomething now to help so meone in need you criticize me for my suicide ideations
HEY UNTILYOU WALK IN MY SHOES AND LIVE IN MY WORLD AND EXPERINCE A FOURTH WHAT I HAD
DURING KATRINA THEN WE CAN TALK globalwarming is a bunch of buracratic bullshit just something for the politicians to make people think they are doing something great for theworld.Hey ...you are concerned about the world? come to new orleans chalmette
houma ninth wardlakeview gentilly ...etc helprebuild the playgrounds and helpreplant
trees and flowers ans=d shrubs etc that died after having salt water for amonth.
RYAN,,,,I,I,TRY TO BE A GOOD PERSON,AND I THINK I AM.
AND JASON....PITY PARTY RYAN ...GET A GRIP SUICIDE IS REAL ITS SERIUOS AND OND ONE DAY YOU MAY VERY WELL WILLHAVE A dear one be suicidal.Yes its scary,but its so real....
my world my life was turned completly upside down I have been working since i was 15 and when huricane katrina hit I WAS 47 ...and ...cause of my ptsd flashbacks delusions niteterrors disaccoiations etc...i can no longer work...that makes me feel
useless...think about it ,,,ahhhh you cant...you are only 5 yrs older than my oldest child brittany who willturn 23 this friday.

wow...I have been thru a lot cried a lot lied yes to rachel ....tokevin tomy kids moreimportant to me I am indeeed a specialperson who does have many years of life ahead and i guess i placed allmy worth in my job and i wanted to make every one happy ,everyone but me
...I have come far but it was not not easy but nothing in th eworld is ever easy
and so ...i think I WROTE ENOUGH
please please ryan jason... please I hope one day you willrealize i meant noharm

and one day we may make peace I certainly hope so

i love you both

peace out
may all the victoms of katrina rest inpeace
and may allthe survivors of katrina
keep on moving on one day day by day the pain willbe leass
andit will be tucked away in that special spot

GOD BLESS ALL