sue martins autobiography

Well ,here it goes.My social worker,wanted me to write my story,and so ,here it goes ,Warning,my life was not pretty,it was sad and lonely and most of my childhood
was spent in terror and in denial. No one would believe that a dad would or could
harm and abuse his only daughter.And ,thankfully,for my sanity,I tucked away all my
memories of my dads sexual abuse. But,is was not only sexual abuse ,but physiacal,emotional,verbal abuse. Sure,my dads only kind words was "slut".or "whore"
or how about the lovely "your getting a little fat there Sue".Oh ,yes I was so loved
NOT. Not once do I recall 'I love you ' SPOKEN BY EITHER MY MOM OR DAD.
I was told numerous times ,you will never amount to anything,who will marry you?
You are stupid ,fat,and are you on drugs?And the best,I wish you were never born.
And ,I can remember many times ,locking myself in the bathroom and crying my eyes out,wishing I was dead,and holding that razor blade in my hand.I would yell out to my parents,I wish I was dead I am going to kill myself.And,sadly,they would yell back
go ahead.Wow.did that really hurt? How,could they? Did they not realize ,how serious
suicidal threats were? I can only hope ,they didnt mean it. Still,it doesnt erase the pain,nor excuse them for saying what they did. I cant justify their actions.
I cant remember any really fond memories of my childhood,perhaps,as my social worker says ,I blocked it out,I tucked it away deep in the back of my brain,I did
it for my sanity,And,its so sad to not remeember any fond memories of my childhood.
Your childhood ,should be filled with beuatiful.memories that you treasure and one day share with your children.I have always had absolutely no feelings or emotions for my dad.It was a strong feeling of absolute hate,
My dad was a monster,a drunk,a stinking,stenching,gross person. He would beat the crap out of me with belts,hands ,and he would even make me go get a twig of a tree
and if it wasnt big enough ,he would go and get one himself.He would beat me and would leave welts on my body, At times,he would say you got enough and if I didnt answer he kept it up. But, I wanted to show him ,the bastard.WTF I would go to school
with these welts still in my arms,but,the catholic nuns and priests would turn their heads at it. And,besides that,in those days,the catholic school nuns would
put children on their laps and hit the child with a paddle on the butt,
And,for Gods sake,they would never believe a child. So,as ,a child growing up
with abuse,didnt have a chance in hell.
Ahh but ,the abuse didnt end with the beatings. Good old dad like to drink and he drank all the time,It was as he said his only pleasure.Yes,thats fine,but hey when you drink to the point of slobbering all over the place .falling asleep in your food,and ending up in my bed.Yes, I always thought dad did something to me,I just couldnt remember,and I guess that was my way of surviving such,such disguting,vile ,situation, But,after katrina,the trauma .jogged my memory
and I remember,dad ,aghhhh,trying to kiss me. This ,this ,is so so DISGUSTING.WHY? It is so so so hurtful..I just cant get over it,Dad would walk around the house with his boxer shorts on with his penis hnging out, My GOD ..it still makes me sick in my stomache.
Now,good old mom.she too never said she loved me ,no hugs ,kises etc, Moms should spend time with her daughter, No,the only one she spent time with was my younger brother.Yes,as dad would sleep in my bed ,mom often stayed in my brothers bed.HER EXCUSE,TEDS SICK.no mom you were. My mom dotted on my brother to the point of sickness ,and I just resented ted and my mom for this, My mom,too,would hit me .,but more imprtantly,mom told dad nothing to dad sleeping in my bed, Hell,on sundays we went to thy elocal bar,and me and mom would get dad out the bar,Gee,mom what a lovely place to take your kids a bar.
I have two brothers one older and one younger.My older brother,protected me and I am remember one time my dad was beating me and he told dad something then he got his ass beat, Both my brothers were also sujected to the verbal and physiical abuse.
But I envied ted,for all his attention my gave him,
My mom,was always nervous and anxiuos and cried and cried and was so depressed ,THEN she got so obsessive/compulsive,She got rid of the dog I loved.
I didnt let my friends at the house I was too embarased and ashamed of them.
Dad with his drunk self and mom with her ocd. Dad drank beer and so not enough money to buy us kids new shooes clothes etc,I often went to schoolwith duct tape shoes
duct tape school bags. Gets laughed at me and made fun of me. I had no friends
Yet,I wanted so much to be loved ,to be wanted to be hugged.
I would go into my own world .and write and write and dad got them and laughed
at them and threw them away. I just wanted to die
In fact all my aunts uncles grandma,all called me a nigger and told me i was not as good as my coisins.WTF ,I never got a break from anyone.it hurt me so much
to get absolutely no love from anyone.
Well, I did have an aunt emily and uncle frank,whom I ABSOLUTELY ADORED.
They were my salvation,They loved me ,made me feel good,gave me homebaked cookies and made me smile and laugh,They were my saving grace, and when they died I was so
devastated. I was 12 and 14 when my aunt and uncle died, I was never good enough in anyone s eyes and I GREW TO BELIEVE THAT

As I said,I grew up with the catholic religion MY MOM WAS I think addicted
to religu=ion and me and mom got intomany fights about it I mean what God WOULD allow parents to abuse their children.Any way ,the religion was rammed down my throats Honor thy parents.wtf EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP IN YOUR BED? YET I still
struggle with this idea ,of talking bad about my parents,after all HONOR THY PARENTS.
I stopped going to church at 15 or so ,and mom really didnt like it but I told her it wasnt happening.
And,I rebelled and it was more than typical teenager stuff. I drank starting at 13 .drank.wine and hard liquer,hitchhiked,wore skimpy clothes,sexaully active.
I went out with guys and I was the agressor, I just wanted to be loved I just wanted tom feel loved, I wanted to piss mom off.I was really wild at 13 and 14 smoking pot
and just being as my dad said 'SLUT" HEY DAD your daughter was only acting this way just for you
MEDICAL ISSUES
well,at the age of 5 in kindergarten I started wearing glasses I was nearly blind
I also remeber having stomache problems My doctor thought I HAD A nervous stomache
WELL i guess so DUH.who would have thunk it.I would also get hives. the doctor did tests and came to the conclusion it was nerves,I guess so.Could it be from seeing and hearing my parents fight and throw things at each other?Dad and Mom would scream all thye time,Lets just say it was a leave it to beaver home. And i wanted so desperately to just stop the fighting.
adult history
well ,most of my adult life I was free of Illnesses or so I thoughtI didnt realize that me putting all my energy into work and being the 'human giver"
was a problem I had worked hard in school and got a decent profession.I know know I
did it to show dad I could,I lied to everyone about mom and dad,making them look like saints.But,of coursw,I did n=it all y life.I lived in denial,I tried and did everything I could to keep up the fascade.I did all I could to survive .It was
like I was living in a fantasy world.AND as each year passed I WAS GETTING DEEPER INTO that dark hole known as depression.I made excuses for myself.I had add
.Me depressed,not me .I STARTED sleeping all day when brttany was about 7 yrs old
But,I again was in denial. I was not depresed not me...I was working ,taking care of the house etc
But,as brittany entered middle school.I got extremely worse I couldnt do anything i wa crying wailing anxious and SO VEY DELUSIONAL. kEVEIN was in an emotional affair
but I was the one that was begging him not to leave. There WAS something wrong with this