wow another week ...and still feeling sad at times,sad about ryan,and michael jackson and sad about jeremy.I know I have no controlover any of it ..but its just sad.I thought I was over ryan,but ,I guess not,Idont understand why?
Why,I still care for him,when he did such crappy things to me .Perhaps it has to do with suzie,the little girl,,who had no love no afection ...and I CRAVE THAT,
I always have with the boys,and I think,how I was as A TEENAGER,I tried to please allthe guys ,some of them mwith sexual favors.Why? Because I knew that would keep
themm around,Isnt that just fucking sad,And ryan,well,I dont know.Many ,many times
I just take guys crap,I dont want to make themmad and then leave.I cant,\all
my life I didnt thin I could make it on my own,I thinkthat crap came from
good old dad. The BASTARD.and yet,it still hurts I still feel sad about thinking this about my dad,even though i can stillsmellthe stench,still feel the pain ,sting of his hurtful words to me,I can see him,stumbling ,to my bed drunk
and ,there I was alonewith dad ,his breath,his his looks,,,my god how could he how could he ..he he is my dad you know dads are suppose to love you adore you
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