HERE IT IS ANOTHER ENTRY ABOUT....THEM,THE CANADIANS I THOUGHT WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.
BUT I WAS WRONG.IT JUST HURTS ,YOU KNOW,REALLY HURTS,ALL OF MY LIFE,PEOPLECAME AND WENT,THEY JUST DIDNT GET ME OR PERHAPS THEY DID ,AND DIDNT WANT TO DEALWITH IT;ALL MY CHILDHOOD LIFE ,I LIVED WITH LIES,YOU KNOW A LOVING PARENTS ,TEACHING ME VALUES.THAT YOU SHOULD HELP OTHERS,WOW,THIS HURTS SO MUCH,THERE IS SO MUCH
HURT AND PAIN AND TEARS THAT STILL NEED TO BE SHED.
BUT,I MET THESE GUYS FROM CANADA,AND ,I THOUGHT ,WOW THEY ARECOOL,BUTIT WAS JUST AN IMAGE ,JUST SOMETHING TO KEEP THE FANS HAPPY,IT WAS,AN ACT,AND LIKE THEM,I TOOLIVED AN ACT,
WOW,I MISS THEM .I HURT,I CRY....I DONT UNDERSTAND IT,,,,WHY ...WHY I HAVE SO MUCH FEELINGSFOR RYAN. HEESOR AT LEAST I THOUGHT HE WAS A CARING PERSON,REAL.
PERSON .NONE OF THAT FAKE BULLSHIT.BUT IN THE END HE TURNED OUT TO BE ...JUST LIKE THE REST.BUT....THE FEELINGS FOR RYAN ...WAS STRONGER THAN ...IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.'
DID I FALLIN LOVE WITH HIM ,OR JUST WHAT HE STOOD FORM ...FREE SPIRITED,,YOUTH..
I GUESS I STILL STRUGLLE WITH THESE FEELINGS.
I THINK ,PEOPLE CAN MORE THAN ONE PERSON,IN I GUESS CERTAIN LEVELS,WAYS.
I SAW A GENTLE PERSON AT TIMES ,ONE THAT REALLYCARED,O FUNNY WITTY,AND YES
A SEXY GUY. HIS VOICE .HIS LAUGH HIS SMILE...IT JUST TOOK HOL OF ME
AND I JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT...AND I GUESS WHWEN HE FINALLY DECIDED HE HAD ENOUGHOF MY....DEPRESSED WAYS.DEPRESSED THINKING,MY SUICIDE THOUGHTS HE LEFT.
BUTAT LEASTRYAN WAS ALWAYS HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE CALED AN INTERNET AQAINTANCE
AND I JUST FELT CRUSHED....I TRIED NOT TO BELIEVE IT I TRIED TO THINK I COULD CHANGE IT OMG...YOU KNOW IT STILL HURTS I CANT LOOK AT HIM OR LISTEN TO HIM
HE WAS HE WAS SO SPECIAL TO ME AND I GUESS IN WAY HE GOT TANGLED UP IN MY
WEB OF FANTASIES LIKE THE STORIES I MADE UP IN CHILDHOOD TO SURVIVE I BELIEVED
HE CARED I BELIEVED HE HAD LIKED ME AS A FRIEND MORE THAN HE WANTED TO ADMIT AND MAYBE HE STRTED TO LIKE ME ASA FREIND BUT WAS AFRAID ,,,,TO GET TOO CLOSE

HERE I GO..MY MIND JUST GOES IN CIRCLES AND THINKS ALL THESE DISTORTED THOUGHTS
HOWEVER,I KNOW IN MY HEART,THAT I LOVE HIM ,,,I DO I WILLALWAYS LOVE HIM
HES JUST SO GENTLE KIND CARING OR SO I THOUGHT AND EVEN AFTER HE SAID THOSE NASTY THINS TOME..I STILLLOVE HIM.THIS IS MY LIFE I NEVER GOT ANY AFFECTION FROM MY FAMILY
SO....ANY FORM OF AFFECTION I GOT EVEN IT CAME WITH ALLTHIS CRAP THE CONTROL THE INSULTS THE PAIN THE DISRESPECT,,,IT STILLWAS SOME FORM OF WARPED AFFECTION AND I ACCEPTED AND ..BY DOING SO ALLOWED THEM THOSE WHO LOVED ME PERMISSION TO DIRESPECT ME
WOW AN AHHA MOMENT. I ACCEPTED ALL THE CRAP FROM ALL THE GUYS RELATIONSHIPS PERIOD.I GAVE THEM PERMISSION TO TREAT ME LIKE MTHAT,,I SHOULD NEVER ACCEPT ANY OF THAT CRAP BUT I WAS JUST SO GLAD TO GET THE ATTENTION
I DIDNT WANT THEM TO LEAVE..AND SOON THEY PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS TELLING ME NO ONE WOULD PUT UP WITH YOU AND I BELIEVED IT
WOW OMG WHAT
VEATWATA
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