WOW FEELING INTENSELY NERVOUS.no one gets it,no one understands,you are alone .
isolated,in your own world.your "stuck" in your own hell.the pain ,the fear,shame.guilt ,anger,hurt,all rolled into one huge ball of emotions.and
you just do not know where to turn.It consumes your mind,your body and its
so damn crippling.freinds are almost non existance,not only does this illness
effect you ,but it effects everyone around you.Its sad but true,and you get
so fricken sad.so sad.You yearn for someone to hold you,comfort you,a shoulder to cry on ,and you just need someone to care,and just take away the hurt,And ,damn
it hurts,its frightening ,this feeling.Your body feels like it is working overtime,your mind always turning,reving up,
but is it fair to expect your freinds to to put up with all your peculiar
behaviors? WE,are so ,so misunderstood,no ,we are not stalkers,we are,"sick"
people.All I want is someone to understand me,to accept me ,for me,with allmy faults
and to accept my illness .
wow,I cant tell you the endless days and nites of tears,the pain is unbearable

sadness

ok its me again,there is so much pain,i am feeling now.ITS so hard to explain,
ocd is such a difficult illness to understand and tolerate.PEOPLE just get hung up on certain rituals,certain behaviors,and they just cant stop,you try ,you try,to stop,its panick,anxiety,sheer pain,your mind is playing that same tape over and over,
your body shakes ,feel jittery,,,,struggle ....want to stop,,,no i will not do it again,,you try minutes seems like hours and it just just cant be done.
and..everyone thinks how peculiar and odd and strange you are.At times people call you "a child" WHY? my ocd with many different issues and its always changes.
FRom,calling and calling about bills and stuff,to keep checking things around the house to presently checking and emailing guide,Its so crippling ,its just so crippling.But ,I ,struggle i struggle ,to stop,but ,its ,i like to compare it
too being possessed.
No one can never trully understand the pain you go thru.ocd is just like any other illness.diabetes,high blood pressure,etc ,but somehow,everyone treats it
like its something people can control. Ocd is not that easy to "get rid of"/
and no guide, I hate it when you say your acting like a child when,i kept on emailing you.Get it ,its an illness.And ,yes,I do realise,how,it can be nerve racking
and intensely,irratating.
At times,I just sit,and shake inside ,freak out, wanting to email and...
its so hard.
ok guide tha ts it,

sues story

ok me its sues story.after all that happen both in my childhood and in my adulthood.
thru all the traumas and endless events that happened in my life from job losses,lost of friend ,suicdes,parents death, hurricanes,son dx with a mental illness.me in the hospital twice for depression...thru allthis I HAVE SURVIVED.
THAT IS SOMETHING i THOUGHT I WOULD AEVER SAY.but,thru the grace of GOD,thru the help of racheland dr glade and meds and friends family and the belief in the secret
I am healing.I try to live for the day and not for the future. And no.I still have many bad days,depressed days ,days when i dont get out of bed,or nites when the nite terrors are horrble,or flashbacks or numbing or dissociation. YES,but the
difference is ,I understand what is going on,I breathe,I go outside ,i listen to music.coping techniques. thats what is important,I still have trust issues,I stillhave guilt about hating my dad and as i say "ratting "him out.And its hard to dealwith the emotions.its hard to trust,its a hard road to recovery .to healing,but I know now that it will be better,and i know i can handle it one day at a time one hr a time
But the darkness is gone and the light is shining bright,I am not in a fog.
and I know there is much work to accomplish,but I AM WAY BETTER THAN 3 yrs ago.
i am trying to get rid of my guilt of hating my dad and telling my story of abuse at the hands of both my dad and mom. All of that crap my dads crap is allabout my dad
it is his problem he made it.I broke the chain of abuse,and so could have my dad and mom.I realize that many of my problems are from my past but that is the past.
and now i cant use that as an excuse .now i can change things

dad

OK here it goes ,something I should have said a long time ago .however,I dont think I
could have gotten up enough courage,enough strength ,to write this to you.For so many
intolerable childhood years,you,you did so many unforgivible,uncomprensible,horrific
acts that no child or adult should ever experience.And,even today ,I cant explain.
how I managed to somehow,come out of such vile situations as I did . I am ,by no means a religious fanatic,but.I do know there is some higher being that exists
in everyones life,that ,are there to protact and guide you ,and it is ultimately,you
who decides your destination,your life.
I can remember so many times,how could your parents,the people responsible for
your
life ,treat their own flesh and blood with so much abuse?Why? Why the beatings?
why the drinking?Why the nights in my bed?why the insults ?why all the humilluation?
Why allthe put downs?I lived in my own world,trying to goaway ,far away in this makebeieve world.Where I was loved and cared for and held and I was daddys little girl.Thats allI wanted ,thats allI yearned for,allmy childhood.was that somuch to ask for?The names you called me .cut right thru the core of my very being.
FAT,STUPID,LAZYetc etc.OH ,but the really kicker was you wished I wasnt ever born.
wow,DAD ,you made that point very clear every day of my miserable sad childhood.
I always wondered why i felt absolutely no love for you and I despised looking at you.Wow,yeah,what hateful cruelwords said about your dad.And I would agree if you were a carind ,loving dad,but ,you were far from being that dad,And ,I GET IT
there is no one in the world that is perfect.NO ONE,but ,fuck,you were this monster.ademon in my young eys.
And,all my ,life ,I kept our dark seret ,hidden deep in the back of my mind,
and I know that ,supreesed those memories.emotions ,the fear,the anger,the pain
the sadness the DISGUST.But,if I didnt do it,I suppose ,I wouldnt be here writing this now , And ,I realise ,daad you had a hard life,I understand,but that is not an excuse .DAD you FUCKING slept in my bed.And thank God there are memories I can recall.I guess that is my way of coping with allthat vile garbage you did.
fuck dad you got slobbering drunk,stench,walking aroung with your boxer shorts
and your DICK hanging out, How vile and disgusting id that?
You took away my childhood,You took away all the fairy tales i wanted .You know the one where your dad says ,I love you,and reads stories and hugs you and tucks ME
into the bed , Daughters are suppose to be special,I felt like YESTERDAYS TRASh
Oh,thats right,you loveningly called me trash Yes ,I was that hippie,I was as you said so elequently.a NIGGER lover.what what an ass. Did you not realise the damage you did too me?Its sad ,its sad ,that a child,a daughter,doesnt feel anything ,anything at all for their dad.
hONESTLY,you dont deserve to be called dad ,because you did nothing to gain that title. Did you know how many times I cried ,how many cries,because of you,because,I wanted a dad who loved me uncoditionally.YOU DIDNT. Wow,you would slap me so hard I had huge welts in my legs and armd.AND i Had to go to school like that.Did you not care? Did you not care when I had to go to schoolwith tape duct shoes and schoolbags?
did you not care when the kids teased me allthe time?did you care when you went to
the school fairs drunk>did you not care about anything? to be continued

sues story cont

ahhhh another entry I apologize for the somewhat disorganiztion of the story. But ,at
times.my mind just .kinda goes numb.perhaps .its just the process of writing allthese things down.I get really upset and panicky and ...I just must take a break.
There has been so much trauma in my life ,it seems like ,life doesnt give me a chance to chillout from one when another hits me, somany things in my life
the death of my freind at 32 yrs old almost 24 yrs ago the death of the 13 yr old boy,
the suicide of my coworker the death of my dearest friend at doctors hospital
my fatherinlaws death,mymoms death my dads death,the lost of my job of 19yrs
the lost of kevins job of 17 yrs my 2000 brekdown katrina lost of a job
my disability my workers compcase jeremys 6 week hospital stay and jermys dx of
a mood order wow
but the most the most important of allwas the horrific childhood the one i never had the emotionai shit from dad the welts onmy legs and arms and my duct tape shoesand school bags and dad drunk mom and dad yelling and me being call
a slut stupid fat worthless oh man ..lets just ask this question.why am i fucked up?
and yet a part of me struggles struggles to not feelguility about telling on my dad or my mom ...it should be kept away deep down inside.all girls wants to be daddys little girl.and...i never have that and never will an dthat that just saddens me
and you know honor you parents ,,,MY GOD I am wondering what willdad do when i die?
i feelso gulity that I am ashamed of my mom and dad its juts not the american dream
but since the hurricane i just dreamthese vile .vile dreams and iscreamloudly
its allabout dad but sometimes i dream about katrina ...idreamnt once brittany was dead and they braugt her to me

people somany people dont get me dont get the trauma of katrina I think it really does make you feelbetter writng about as much as you can but my god
It took away somthing fromme possibly the most important trust and it gave me
back the simple life to treasure each day live each day one day at a time
the healing has been hard work I will not lie and i am not saying that all is
good with my life i stillhave flasbacks ,and niteterrors and anger and pain
and hurt but now now i know what it is it happens i breathe i go outside i think of something beutiful the healing will be a continous process the fog has been lifted
I do have bad moments ,,but i realise it willgo away
spiritually i believe in gaurdian angels they are around me at times when i get scared i ,i can just feel them nearby and my mind just is overcome with joy
and peace no more looking into the future
i must not give my dad power the power to gring me down I must get my self esteem up and accept me for me my goals is toleace each day as it comes
and believe inthe secret because the secret has been with me since katrina
allthings happen for a reason
i must take time out for me and i cant be a human giver to everyone
and that is my goaland Iknowi stillhave a long time for more healing
thisis the beginning of anewmme

sues autobiograpy continu

ok and so it continues.My life was just pure hellmafter katrina.It was
filled with vivid horrid painful scary memories ,flasbckas of the katrina.
Allto vivid all to too often.I relived the moments ,the smellsthe heat the fear
the screms the cries the anger, Anger of God anger for the hospital anger for the company anger for the lawyers.I spent months in bed,barely living spiritually
mentally.Thought I lost me and dodnt know whoI was.I had lost my job,and couldnt
physiaclly,mentally could not work.Yet everday i looked at the want ads ,,,
work was my life ..what ,who am i without it? I was so ,so,sick,and I just ,just
couldnt shake it anymore .The flashbacks,the nite terrors,the darkness,the walking in the fog ,the shame .the guilt,the anger,it had gotten so unbearable that
i just wanted to die and one day I told them put meinto a hospital I knew I
would kill myself.I did .got out ,got rachel and that was the turning point
of my life.She was my salvation,she saved me fromthe ravages of depression
and ptsd.And then ,after dealing with the prick of a doc I had at the hospital
whoafter 3 months told me he could dono more for me .He had said he knew
i was faking this to get disability.I left his office crying sobbing feeling like shit.I could not believe a doc a shrink could act that much like an ass.
and during all this I was figting my job for workers comp.The insurance people
were such assholes dragged me to the ground,made lite of my job during the hospital
but thru my depression,my anger,i was determined to win.I knew I would never
work again.and too the fucking old shrink who said there was no way in hell I would win my case or get disability...AHHHH I guess the secret wirks rachel
yes i went to court and God gave me the strength to hold on and being positive
thru it all the secret pervailed,
It wasnt about the money somush as it was about the fact at how the hospital treated us.
but for three years I have been dealing with this.AND YES i FORGOT TO MENTION DR
GLADE,the moment she saw me heard my story she knew then that I was suffering from
ptsd.I had always thought that was just what milatary got.But she put a name to it
now i knew i was not crazy or dying iwas illvery ill I would just shake and cry and ramble and at times dr glade would tell me your thought patterns are all twsted and distorted.But dr glade and rachel they are my saviors and I thank god for them
dr glade tried many meds before ones finally work.the nite terrors were getting just horrible this fear panic numb numb anger shame guilty embarassment
compulsive Rachel in the beggining told me it willget better i promise i told her i dont fucking believe that
but rache and dr glade never gave up on me ,even when I wanted to give up on myself Many many people didnt understand.why cant you just get your meds and get better and go back to work .wow how that hurt how it hurt they didnt get it
i wished i could AND YET EVEN i wanted to go back I was so so sad ,work was my life
was who i was and now i lost me what will I DO? i FELT ASHAMED that I couldnt just
get over this what the fuck was wrong with me? I neesde to find out who I was
and ...eventually relised workwas just my occupTION it wasnt me ,,and in the midst of all my depression and denial of my depression I just needed work to be a coping
mechanism tohide my real deep depression that I had been in and denied for so long.
I amjust living for today,,
the workwas sohard and I soon REALISED i cant put a time on it that I just work
and progress inmy own time .I leasrned to live for today . but what I didnt expect from this was was the ,jarring of my memeories of my dad his abuse emotional verbal physical and yes sexual.HE was a drunk and the trauma of the storm braught back those dark deep secrets I hid for so long .at times i think i can hear him calling me
feel his breath on my neck feel him on my bed ..OMG ..this this is so frightening
and ipanic i screm.......must continue later

sues autobiography continued

ok katrina hit iwas working in the hospital when it hit terrofied fear of dying
patients crying crashing noises the water poured into the streets building shaking
walls shaking floors shaking stench no water hot exhausted zoning out staring in disbelief no communication pictures on tv of people on roofs patients dying alone
and there was I just numb unable to handle it any more i smelled i was tired
scared and iwanted to be with my family
we all waited for the hospital to provide transportation but none came we were on our own co worker dropped me off at baton rouge mall and I walkedaround dragging my only posessions I thought I owned smelling tiered wearing pjs i wore 5 days
in the scorching heat OMG ..the drive to baton rouge was ...painful sad
trees uprooted power lines down houses flattened,,or was that the ride to alabma?
i was just numb i felt this sickness deep inthe pit of my stomache
got to alabama wher keveinand the kids were with my mother in law and my sisterin law with her family and her 90 lb dog with our 40 lb dog cramped in a small smallhome with no air condition
i immediately took a bath i slept for almost 3 days ...mom getting pissed at
me wanting me to wake up at 8am feed my kids and my hubby wtf?
the entire time i kept think i was dying i went to the doc 3 times there
i was not the same person i was and will forever not be the person I was prior to katrina
we went home and our house was not damaged much
but carpets pulled wet furniture.but i couldnt get out of bed i felt horrible
i just couldnt do anthing again i kept going to docs 2 a week,I thought i was dying
reading in medical books and believing i hadthat disease i was obsessed with it i constantly was on the internet reasearching diseases.i couldnt sleep i cried i shook
i stayed in bed for days ,all day,in the dark staring into space
and then then there were these thses horribl horribble flashbacks of the hurricane
OMG i was i felt like i was living katrina again i worried about finding work
what denial..me work i coulnt even get out of bed fear fear i told the er docs i do know i am dying i called them liars ,,,itwas bad so bad,,,,,