oops.I have rambled and rambled and I made a slight error on my timeline
The first time mom was in the hospital she had cancer and survived, Thata when
dad was an ass making feel guilty,expecting me to cook his breakfast lunch and supper.And as much as I DREADED it ,I did it,like a fool.How much of a control freak was that,and,I was alone with him ... but I didnt do it for long, He wanted the food cooked served picked up and dishes clean, I remember telling him I wasnt edith bunker.
I despised my dad . Where was my brothers,why couldnt they help him and mom
Yes,I know why? They too hated my dad. And in dads warped twisted mind,it was the daughters duty to take care of cooking and all other stuff. Bullshit!
dad wasnt allowing mom to talk to me and mom kept on telling me how miserable dad was making her, but there she stayed.
then ,my mom went to the hospital ,and i was told after she was there for 1 month
she was on a vent continous dyalsis and dnr, Ijust coulnt find it in myself to hold her hug her touch her, I was there when she died I wanted to be,so there was no
no guilt for me .dad never went to the hospital once. He said thats what mom
wanted RIGHT BASTARD,
then,after not seeing him for years ,what did he say," Oh you got chubby"
LIKE FUCK YOU" then he asked me ,not his sons to bath him and get him ready for the funeral wtf ,then it hit slapped in my face this is not normal.
fast forward the closing of the hospital i worked for 20 yrs my co workers suicide ,marital problems with kevin ,kevein loosing his job of 17yrs
working at a hospital where i was totally not accepted at and totally hate it
missed all my freinds from the old job
then katrna hit.....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
sues autobiograpy continued
yes,I do believe my whole entire life I suffered from depression and ,as my shrink tells me,maybe even PTSD. But ,I was in total denial.I was the strong one,at least on the outside,but ,deep down,in my soul,and my spirit was destroyed ,torn,tattereed
lost,in a world of fear,shame,guilt,confusion .loneliness,and saddness beyond what any child should ever tolerate.Ahhh,but my parents ,they made sure I NEVER had hope ,love,self esteem ,But ,yet,I did astonishly well, for what i had to endure.
But,I had ,to ,if I wanted to survive. And somewhere ,as Michael Jackson sings
"have you seen my childhood?"
So,I guess th eanswer to the question is ,yes,I HAD A CHILDHOOD ILLNESS THAT LASTED AND CONTINUED AND WORSENED AS THE YEARS PASSED,I would lie to everyone,make my parents as great role models.Who was I trying to confess,the people or me?
And ,the answer to that is quite clear now,I was trying to convince me.
I had so many coping skils ,that,I could confess myself I DIDNT NEED HELP.
No,not at all, you just dont sleep,you just cry hysterically,you obsess at everything ,all just like mom.Ahhh,but ,like mom,I was confessed it was menapuase.
Thats what they told mom,and thats what I was told, But,in my sick,distorted,
delusionalmind,that sounded like the culprit,
Now,looking back,I do realize ,that my was severely depressed,ahe had to be to put up with a controlling,lousy,druken husband. But,that doesnt excuse her from
sleeping with my brother,making me go get dad at the bar,and most importantly
allowing my dad to fall asleep in my bed. Parents are suppose to protect youfrom harm ,evenif it is your dad? And,I know,because ,I too .have suffered the darkest
and blackest years of depression ,but even then ,I knew I could never let my chidren
stay with dad, Although ,one week end we did ,me and kevin went on a well deserved 3 day cruise,and mom and dad watched the kids. Well,soon after,brittany,just stopped talking,And ,I wanted to believe it was daycare,,I JUST COULDNT,believe dad did it.
Hell,mom and dad blamed it on kevins parents.And ,as sick and as warped ,I wanted to believe it too. But,after that the kids never stayed ther by themselves.
And,I know this ate away at me,blame,guilt,anger,self doubt,but thru my doubt ,I
knew,that it was dad,My God,the chain willbe broken, But I NEVER CONFRONTED MY DAD
with either my sexual abuse or brittanys.However,I eventually ,I had told mom.
In my married years we did become more closer,I GUESS because,I WASnt at the
hands and mercy of my dad, But,one day I told my mom,and I dont know if she believed me ,somehow ,I THINK ,DEEP INSIDE SHE KNEW, But she ,still hung on to her preciuos religious beliefs, That is your dad she said.WTF.So,i said,she said you gotta talk to him .I said wtf ,talk,surely your joking,?
Soon,mom was not aloud to talk to me .Dad would say I WAS UPSETTING HER, FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU No.i didnt say it but I wanted too, oh ,how I wanted too, He wanted to see the kids ,but I still didnt say hey you bastard ,remember ,i was the one you went to bed with ,Your precious daughter. And so,the relationship I finally yearned for with my mom.was now,gone,compliments of dad. Bastrd, But, why,why could I not confront my dad? I just think it was my coping skills .I guess I wasnt ready to deal with it.
Then mom got ill,cancer,she should have died .but she didnt. I WAS going to nursing school,and dad and mom told me ,made me feel guilty,that i should quit nursing school to take are of dad when moms in the hospital. And like an ass I did
What control did he have over me? and after that things got worse again
dad didnt like hospitals so i had to stay every nite, dad didnt take care of mom at home ,no he was an invalid BASTARD.
And when mom was in the hospital.after about 2 months or so,my aunt called me up,not my dad,not my brothers my aunt,toldme mom was in ICU and in critical conndition,she was on the vent,continous dialysis,and we had made her a dnr.
I still was working ,and I couldnt take off all that time.When I went there
I just couldnt,hold her,touch her hand,do anything,i just didnt feel or knew how to express or show love to mom. I never had it from them.WHEN mom died
I was there ,but,I NEVER CRIED ,I nevr kissed her goodbye,Nothing, And I know that sounds SO HEARTLESS,BUT VERY TRUE.my mom was gone and we could never talk again,I could never get a chance to get close with my mom,But,I guess,I still resented mom
for not being there when I NEEDED HER,FOR SHOWING ATTETion to ted and not me.
and ,yes,I resneted ted for taking away mom from me
anyway,sometime befor moms death,the denial ,the depression ,it took a toll over me. I could no longer function, Kevein was having an emotional affair,and I like ,a
weak person,begged him not to leave me.I was so delusional ,I thought kevein had a porn site at the house,My god,I believed this ,and I told his mom and his sisters,
bUT,nobody siad a thing like sue ,,,I think you need help.I was anxous ,racing thoughts,One day kevein told me to dont come back home i was going to work,
I went to work,laid on the floor,and proceeded to cry hysterically. At that point
I had finally broke,,,I was way to fucked up and word went around the hospital
.So,i took off 5 months of work,in which work was really trying to let me go,THOSE
5 months were HORRIBLE. i COULDNT EAT .SLEEP LAY DOWN YET,i DONT KNOW WHY MY DOC DIDNT PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL
i GOT BETTER and went back to work, But ,I really wasnt better,,,Keveiwas still
being an ass at times.I was so scared T ANY MOMENT WORK WOULD LET ME GO
rumors were flying how I WAS NUTS AND MY boss told me I needed jesus.
yes the same boss the would tellme constantly you are fucking up and I was
not with pts but my contration was horrible i thought i HAD ADD,
Eventually, I was getting worse again,and I was suicidal,and i asked them please put me in the hospital and IWAS admitted for 4 days and let out.but I still didnt feel right.
But good old susan wasback to her routine work work super mom super wife etc
But what about me....
then the hospital was sold we lost our jobs we were never offered any jobs at any other hospitals and in fact my pay went down 5 dollors
But the hospital crap went on for a year we were being sold but we didnt know by who or when or if we would have a job so that entire year was horrific
we lived in fear and on pins and needles ,people were slowly getting laid off
....well after year we were bought,, it was sad it slowly emptied out the patients it was like a slow death,it was my family i was there for amost 20 years
and now its closed and our family has died or it felt like that
then a co worker /freind committed suicide becaquse he didnt know what work he could do,I TOOK IT HARD AND BLAMED MYSELF FOR NOT realizing how suicidal he was 'I still
feel as though I COULD HAVE SAVED him.It still hurts
lost,in a world of fear,shame,guilt,confusion .loneliness,and saddness beyond what any child should ever tolerate.Ahhh,but my parents ,they made sure I NEVER had hope ,love,self esteem ,But ,yet,I did astonishly well, for what i had to endure.
But,I had ,to ,if I wanted to survive. And somewhere ,as Michael Jackson sings
"have you seen my childhood?"
So,I guess th eanswer to the question is ,yes,I HAD A CHILDHOOD ILLNESS THAT LASTED AND CONTINUED AND WORSENED AS THE YEARS PASSED,I would lie to everyone,make my parents as great role models.Who was I trying to confess,the people or me?
And ,the answer to that is quite clear now,I was trying to convince me.
I had so many coping skils ,that,I could confess myself I DIDNT NEED HELP.
No,not at all, you just dont sleep,you just cry hysterically,you obsess at everything ,all just like mom.Ahhh,but ,like mom,I was confessed it was menapuase.
Thats what they told mom,and thats what I was told, But,in my sick,distorted,
delusionalmind,that sounded like the culprit,
Now,looking back,I do realize ,that my was severely depressed,ahe had to be to put up with a controlling,lousy,druken husband. But,that doesnt excuse her from
sleeping with my brother,making me go get dad at the bar,and most importantly
allowing my dad to fall asleep in my bed. Parents are suppose to protect youfrom harm ,evenif it is your dad? And,I know,because ,I too .have suffered the darkest
and blackest years of depression ,but even then ,I knew I could never let my chidren
stay with dad, Although ,one week end we did ,me and kevin went on a well deserved 3 day cruise,and mom and dad watched the kids. Well,soon after,brittany,just stopped talking,And ,I wanted to believe it was daycare,,I JUST COULDNT,believe dad did it.
Hell,mom and dad blamed it on kevins parents.And ,as sick and as warped ,I wanted to believe it too. But,after that the kids never stayed ther by themselves.
And,I know this ate away at me,blame,guilt,anger,self doubt,but thru my doubt ,I
knew,that it was dad,My God,the chain willbe broken, But I NEVER CONFRONTED MY DAD
with either my sexual abuse or brittanys.However,I eventually ,I had told mom.
In my married years we did become more closer,I GUESS because,I WASnt at the
hands and mercy of my dad, But,one day I told my mom,and I dont know if she believed me ,somehow ,I THINK ,DEEP INSIDE SHE KNEW, But she ,still hung on to her preciuos religious beliefs, That is your dad she said.WTF.So,i said,she said you gotta talk to him .I said wtf ,talk,surely your joking,?
Soon,mom was not aloud to talk to me .Dad would say I WAS UPSETTING HER, FUCK YOU DAD FUCK YOU No.i didnt say it but I wanted too, oh ,how I wanted too, He wanted to see the kids ,but I still didnt say hey you bastard ,remember ,i was the one you went to bed with ,Your precious daughter. And so,the relationship I finally yearned for with my mom.was now,gone,compliments of dad. Bastrd, But, why,why could I not confront my dad? I just think it was my coping skills .I guess I wasnt ready to deal with it.
Then mom got ill,cancer,she should have died .but she didnt. I WAS going to nursing school,and dad and mom told me ,made me feel guilty,that i should quit nursing school to take are of dad when moms in the hospital. And like an ass I did
What control did he have over me? and after that things got worse again
dad didnt like hospitals so i had to stay every nite, dad didnt take care of mom at home ,no he was an invalid BASTARD.
And when mom was in the hospital.after about 2 months or so,my aunt called me up,not my dad,not my brothers my aunt,toldme mom was in ICU and in critical conndition,she was on the vent,continous dialysis,and we had made her a dnr.
I still was working ,and I couldnt take off all that time.When I went there
I just couldnt,hold her,touch her hand,do anything,i just didnt feel or knew how to express or show love to mom. I never had it from them.WHEN mom died
I was there ,but,I NEVER CRIED ,I nevr kissed her goodbye,Nothing, And I know that sounds SO HEARTLESS,BUT VERY TRUE.my mom was gone and we could never talk again,I could never get a chance to get close with my mom,But,I guess,I still resented mom
for not being there when I NEEDED HER,FOR SHOWING ATTETion to ted and not me.
and ,yes,I resneted ted for taking away mom from me
anyway,sometime befor moms death,the denial ,the depression ,it took a toll over me. I could no longer function, Kevein was having an emotional affair,and I like ,a
weak person,begged him not to leave me.I was so delusional ,I thought kevein had a porn site at the house,My god,I believed this ,and I told his mom and his sisters,
bUT,nobody siad a thing like sue ,,,I think you need help.I was anxous ,racing thoughts,One day kevein told me to dont come back home i was going to work,
I went to work,laid on the floor,and proceeded to cry hysterically. At that point
I had finally broke,,,I was way to fucked up and word went around the hospital
.So,i took off 5 months of work,in which work was really trying to let me go,THOSE
5 months were HORRIBLE. i COULDNT EAT .SLEEP LAY DOWN YET,i DONT KNOW WHY MY DOC DIDNT PUT ME IN THE HOSPITAL
i GOT BETTER and went back to work, But ,I really wasnt better,,,Keveiwas still
being an ass at times.I was so scared T ANY MOMENT WORK WOULD LET ME GO
rumors were flying how I WAS NUTS AND MY boss told me I needed jesus.
yes the same boss the would tellme constantly you are fucking up and I was
not with pts but my contration was horrible i thought i HAD ADD,
Eventually, I was getting worse again,and I was suicidal,and i asked them please put me in the hospital and IWAS admitted for 4 days and let out.but I still didnt feel right.
But good old susan wasback to her routine work work super mom super wife etc
But what about me....
then the hospital was sold we lost our jobs we were never offered any jobs at any other hospitals and in fact my pay went down 5 dollors
But the hospital crap went on for a year we were being sold but we didnt know by who or when or if we would have a job so that entire year was horrific
we lived in fear and on pins and needles ,people were slowly getting laid off
....well after year we were bought,, it was sad it slowly emptied out the patients it was like a slow death,it was my family i was there for amost 20 years
and now its closed and our family has died or it felt like that
then a co worker /freind committed suicide becaquse he didnt know what work he could do,I TOOK IT HARD AND BLAMED MYSELF FOR NOT realizing how suicidal he was 'I still
feel as though I COULD HAVE SAVED him.It still hurts
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
sue martins autobiography
Well ,here it goes.My social worker,wanted me to write my story,and so ,here it goes ,Warning,my life was not pretty,it was sad and lonely and most of my childhood
was spent in terror and in denial. No one would believe that a dad would or could
harm and abuse his only daughter.And ,thankfully,for my sanity,I tucked away all my
memories of my dads sexual abuse. But,is was not only sexual abuse ,but physiacal,emotional,verbal abuse. Sure,my dads only kind words was "slut".or "whore"
or how about the lovely "your getting a little fat there Sue".Oh ,yes I was so loved
NOT. Not once do I recall 'I love you ' SPOKEN BY EITHER MY MOM OR DAD.
I was told numerous times ,you will never amount to anything,who will marry you?
You are stupid ,fat,and are you on drugs?And the best,I wish you were never born.
And ,I can remember many times ,locking myself in the bathroom and crying my eyes out,wishing I was dead,and holding that razor blade in my hand.I would yell out to my parents,I wish I was dead I am going to kill myself.And,sadly,they would yell back
go ahead.Wow.did that really hurt? How,could they? Did they not realize ,how serious
suicidal threats were? I can only hope ,they didnt mean it. Still,it doesnt erase the pain,nor excuse them for saying what they did. I cant justify their actions.
I cant remember any really fond memories of my childhood,perhaps,as my social worker says ,I blocked it out,I tucked it away deep in the back of my brain,I did
it for my sanity,And,its so sad to not remeember any fond memories of my childhood.
Your childhood ,should be filled with beuatiful.memories that you treasure and one day share with your children.I have always had absolutely no feelings or emotions for my dad.It was a strong feeling of absolute hate,
My dad was a monster,a drunk,a stinking,stenching,gross person. He would beat the crap out of me with belts,hands ,and he would even make me go get a twig of a tree
and if it wasnt big enough ,he would go and get one himself.He would beat me and would leave welts on my body, At times,he would say you got enough and if I didnt answer he kept it up. But, I wanted to show him ,the bastard.WTF I would go to school
with these welts still in my arms,but,the catholic nuns and priests would turn their heads at it. And,besides that,in those days,the catholic school nuns would
put children on their laps and hit the child with a paddle on the butt,
And,for Gods sake,they would never believe a child. So,as ,a child growing up
with abuse,didnt have a chance in hell.
Ahh but ,the abuse didnt end with the beatings. Good old dad like to drink and he drank all the time,It was as he said his only pleasure.Yes,thats fine,but hey when you drink to the point of slobbering all over the place .falling asleep in your food,and ending up in my bed.Yes, I always thought dad did something to me,I just couldnt remember,and I guess that was my way of surviving such,such disguting,vile ,situation, But,after katrina,the trauma .jogged my memory
and I remember,dad ,aghhhh,trying to kiss me. This ,this ,is so so DISGUSTING.WHY? It is so so so hurtful..I just cant get over it,Dad would walk around the house with his boxer shorts on with his penis hnging out, My GOD ..it still makes me sick in my stomache.
Now,good old mom.she too never said she loved me ,no hugs ,kises etc, Moms should spend time with her daughter, No,the only one she spent time with was my younger brother.Yes,as dad would sleep in my bed ,mom often stayed in my brothers bed.HER EXCUSE,TEDS SICK.no mom you were. My mom dotted on my brother to the point of sickness ,and I just resented ted and my mom for this, My mom,too,would hit me .,but more imprtantly,mom told dad nothing to dad sleeping in my bed, Hell,on sundays we went to thy elocal bar,and me and mom would get dad out the bar,Gee,mom what a lovely place to take your kids a bar.
I have two brothers one older and one younger.My older brother,protected me and I am remember one time my dad was beating me and he told dad something then he got his ass beat, Both my brothers were also sujected to the verbal and physiical abuse.
But I envied ted,for all his attention my gave him,
My mom,was always nervous and anxiuos and cried and cried and was so depressed ,THEN she got so obsessive/compulsive,She got rid of the dog I loved.
I didnt let my friends at the house I was too embarased and ashamed of them.
Dad with his drunk self and mom with her ocd. Dad drank beer and so not enough money to buy us kids new shooes clothes etc,I often went to schoolwith duct tape shoes
duct tape school bags. Gets laughed at me and made fun of me. I had no friends
Yet,I wanted so much to be loved ,to be wanted to be hugged.
I would go into my own world .and write and write and dad got them and laughed
at them and threw them away. I just wanted to die
In fact all my aunts uncles grandma,all called me a nigger and told me i was not as good as my coisins.WTF ,I never got a break from anyone.it hurt me so much
to get absolutely no love from anyone.
Well, I did have an aunt emily and uncle frank,whom I ABSOLUTELY ADORED.
They were my salvation,They loved me ,made me feel good,gave me homebaked cookies and made me smile and laugh,They were my saving grace, and when they died I was so
devastated. I was 12 and 14 when my aunt and uncle died, I was never good enough in anyone s eyes and I GREW TO BELIEVE THAT
As I said,I grew up with the catholic religion MY MOM WAS I think addicted
to religu=ion and me and mom got intomany fights about it I mean what God WOULD allow parents to abuse their children.Any way ,the religion was rammed down my throats Honor thy parents.wtf EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP IN YOUR BED? YET I still
struggle with this idea ,of talking bad about my parents,after all HONOR THY PARENTS.
I stopped going to church at 15 or so ,and mom really didnt like it but I told her it wasnt happening.
And,I rebelled and it was more than typical teenager stuff. I drank starting at 13 .drank.wine and hard liquer,hitchhiked,wore skimpy clothes,sexaully active.
I went out with guys and I was the agressor, I just wanted to be loved I just wanted tom feel loved, I wanted to piss mom off.I was really wild at 13 and 14 smoking pot
and just being as my dad said 'SLUT" HEY DAD your daughter was only acting this way just for you
MEDICAL ISSUES
well,at the age of 5 in kindergarten I started wearing glasses I was nearly blind
I also remeber having stomache problems My doctor thought I HAD A nervous stomache
WELL i guess so DUH.who would have thunk it.I would also get hives. the doctor did tests and came to the conclusion it was nerves,I guess so.Could it be from seeing and hearing my parents fight and throw things at each other?Dad and Mom would scream all thye time,Lets just say it was a leave it to beaver home. And i wanted so desperately to just stop the fighting.
adult history
well ,most of my adult life I was free of Illnesses or so I thoughtI didnt realize that me putting all my energy into work and being the 'human giver"
was a problem I had worked hard in school and got a decent profession.I know know I
did it to show dad I could,I lied to everyone about mom and dad,making them look like saints.But,of coursw,I did n=it all y life.I lived in denial,I tried and did everything I could to keep up the fascade.I did all I could to survive .It was
like I was living in a fantasy world.AND as each year passed I WAS GETTING DEEPER INTO that dark hole known as depression.I made excuses for myself.I had add
.Me depressed,not me .I STARTED sleeping all day when brttany was about 7 yrs old
But,I again was in denial. I was not depresed not me...I was working ,taking care of the house etc
But,as brittany entered middle school.I got extremely worse I couldnt do anything i wa crying wailing anxious and SO VEY DELUSIONAL. kEVEIN was in an emotional affair
but I was the one that was begging him not to leave. There WAS something wrong with this
was spent in terror and in denial. No one would believe that a dad would or could
harm and abuse his only daughter.And ,thankfully,for my sanity,I tucked away all my
memories of my dads sexual abuse. But,is was not only sexual abuse ,but physiacal,emotional,verbal abuse. Sure,my dads only kind words was "slut".or "whore"
or how about the lovely "your getting a little fat there Sue".Oh ,yes I was so loved
NOT. Not once do I recall 'I love you ' SPOKEN BY EITHER MY MOM OR DAD.
I was told numerous times ,you will never amount to anything,who will marry you?
You are stupid ,fat,and are you on drugs?And the best,I wish you were never born.
And ,I can remember many times ,locking myself in the bathroom and crying my eyes out,wishing I was dead,and holding that razor blade in my hand.I would yell out to my parents,I wish I was dead I am going to kill myself.And,sadly,they would yell back
go ahead.Wow.did that really hurt? How,could they? Did they not realize ,how serious
suicidal threats were? I can only hope ,they didnt mean it. Still,it doesnt erase the pain,nor excuse them for saying what they did. I cant justify their actions.
I cant remember any really fond memories of my childhood,perhaps,as my social worker says ,I blocked it out,I tucked it away deep in the back of my brain,I did
it for my sanity,And,its so sad to not remeember any fond memories of my childhood.
Your childhood ,should be filled with beuatiful.memories that you treasure and one day share with your children.I have always had absolutely no feelings or emotions for my dad.It was a strong feeling of absolute hate,
My dad was a monster,a drunk,a stinking,stenching,gross person. He would beat the crap out of me with belts,hands ,and he would even make me go get a twig of a tree
and if it wasnt big enough ,he would go and get one himself.He would beat me and would leave welts on my body, At times,he would say you got enough and if I didnt answer he kept it up. But, I wanted to show him ,the bastard.WTF I would go to school
with these welts still in my arms,but,the catholic nuns and priests would turn their heads at it. And,besides that,in those days,the catholic school nuns would
put children on their laps and hit the child with a paddle on the butt,
And,for Gods sake,they would never believe a child. So,as ,a child growing up
with abuse,didnt have a chance in hell.
Ahh but ,the abuse didnt end with the beatings. Good old dad like to drink and he drank all the time,It was as he said his only pleasure.Yes,thats fine,but hey when you drink to the point of slobbering all over the place .falling asleep in your food,and ending up in my bed.Yes, I always thought dad did something to me,I just couldnt remember,and I guess that was my way of surviving such,such disguting,vile ,situation, But,after katrina,the trauma .jogged my memory
and I remember,dad ,aghhhh,trying to kiss me. This ,this ,is so so DISGUSTING.WHY? It is so so so hurtful..I just cant get over it,Dad would walk around the house with his boxer shorts on with his penis hnging out, My GOD ..it still makes me sick in my stomache.
Now,good old mom.she too never said she loved me ,no hugs ,kises etc, Moms should spend time with her daughter, No,the only one she spent time with was my younger brother.Yes,as dad would sleep in my bed ,mom often stayed in my brothers bed.HER EXCUSE,TEDS SICK.no mom you were. My mom dotted on my brother to the point of sickness ,and I just resented ted and my mom for this, My mom,too,would hit me .,but more imprtantly,mom told dad nothing to dad sleeping in my bed, Hell,on sundays we went to thy elocal bar,and me and mom would get dad out the bar,Gee,mom what a lovely place to take your kids a bar.
I have two brothers one older and one younger.My older brother,protected me and I am remember one time my dad was beating me and he told dad something then he got his ass beat, Both my brothers were also sujected to the verbal and physiical abuse.
But I envied ted,for all his attention my gave him,
My mom,was always nervous and anxiuos and cried and cried and was so depressed ,THEN she got so obsessive/compulsive,She got rid of the dog I loved.
I didnt let my friends at the house I was too embarased and ashamed of them.
Dad with his drunk self and mom with her ocd. Dad drank beer and so not enough money to buy us kids new shooes clothes etc,I often went to schoolwith duct tape shoes
duct tape school bags. Gets laughed at me and made fun of me. I had no friends
Yet,I wanted so much to be loved ,to be wanted to be hugged.
I would go into my own world .and write and write and dad got them and laughed
at them and threw them away. I just wanted to die
In fact all my aunts uncles grandma,all called me a nigger and told me i was not as good as my coisins.WTF ,I never got a break from anyone.it hurt me so much
to get absolutely no love from anyone.
Well, I did have an aunt emily and uncle frank,whom I ABSOLUTELY ADORED.
They were my salvation,They loved me ,made me feel good,gave me homebaked cookies and made me smile and laugh,They were my saving grace, and when they died I was so
devastated. I was 12 and 14 when my aunt and uncle died, I was never good enough in anyone s eyes and I GREW TO BELIEVE THAT
As I said,I grew up with the catholic religion MY MOM WAS I think addicted
to religu=ion and me and mom got intomany fights about it I mean what God WOULD allow parents to abuse their children.Any way ,the religion was rammed down my throats Honor thy parents.wtf EVEN WHEN THEY SLEEP IN YOUR BED? YET I still
struggle with this idea ,of talking bad about my parents,after all HONOR THY PARENTS.
I stopped going to church at 15 or so ,and mom really didnt like it but I told her it wasnt happening.
And,I rebelled and it was more than typical teenager stuff. I drank starting at 13 .drank.wine and hard liquer,hitchhiked,wore skimpy clothes,sexaully active.
I went out with guys and I was the agressor, I just wanted to be loved I just wanted tom feel loved, I wanted to piss mom off.I was really wild at 13 and 14 smoking pot
and just being as my dad said 'SLUT" HEY DAD your daughter was only acting this way just for you
MEDICAL ISSUES
well,at the age of 5 in kindergarten I started wearing glasses I was nearly blind
I also remeber having stomache problems My doctor thought I HAD A nervous stomache
WELL i guess so DUH.who would have thunk it.I would also get hives. the doctor did tests and came to the conclusion it was nerves,I guess so.Could it be from seeing and hearing my parents fight and throw things at each other?Dad and Mom would scream all thye time,Lets just say it was a leave it to beaver home. And i wanted so desperately to just stop the fighting.
adult history
well ,most of my adult life I was free of Illnesses or so I thoughtI didnt realize that me putting all my energy into work and being the 'human giver"
was a problem I had worked hard in school and got a decent profession.I know know I
did it to show dad I could,I lied to everyone about mom and dad,making them look like saints.But,of coursw,I did n=it all y life.I lived in denial,I tried and did everything I could to keep up the fascade.I did all I could to survive .It was
like I was living in a fantasy world.AND as each year passed I WAS GETTING DEEPER INTO that dark hole known as depression.I made excuses for myself.I had add
.Me depressed,not me .I STARTED sleeping all day when brttany was about 7 yrs old
But,I again was in denial. I was not depresed not me...I was working ,taking care of the house etc
But,as brittany entered middle school.I got extremely worse I couldnt do anything i wa crying wailing anxious and SO VEY DELUSIONAL. kEVEIN was in an emotional affair
but I was the one that was begging him not to leave. There WAS something wrong with this
Friday, September 25, 2009
wow another week ...and still feeling sad at times,sad about ryan,and michael jackson and sad about jeremy.I know I have no controlover any of it ..but its just sad.I thought I was over ryan,but ,I guess not,Idont understand why?
Why,I still care for him,when he did such crappy things to me .Perhaps it has to do with suzie,the little girl,,who had no love no afection ...and I CRAVE THAT,
I always have with the boys,and I think,how I was as A TEENAGER,I tried to please allthe guys ,some of them mwith sexual favors.Why? Because I knew that would keep
themm around,Isnt that just fucking sad,And ryan,well,I dont know.Many ,many times
I just take guys crap,I dont want to make themmad and then leave.I cant,\all
my life I didnt thin I could make it on my own,I thinkthat crap came from
good old dad. The BASTARD.and yet,it still hurts I still feel sad about thinking this about my dad,even though i can stillsmellthe stench,still feel the pain ,sting of his hurtful words to me,I can see him,stumbling ,to my bed drunk
and ,there I was alonewith dad ,his breath,his his looks,,,my god how could he how could he ..he he is my dad you know dads are suppose to love you adore you
a
Why,I still care for him,when he did such crappy things to me .Perhaps it has to do with suzie,the little girl,,who had no love no afection ...and I CRAVE THAT,
I always have with the boys,and I think,how I was as A TEENAGER,I tried to please allthe guys ,some of them mwith sexual favors.Why? Because I knew that would keep
themm around,Isnt that just fucking sad,And ryan,well,I dont know.Many ,many times
I just take guys crap,I dont want to make themmad and then leave.I cant,\all
my life I didnt thin I could make it on my own,I thinkthat crap came from
good old dad. The BASTARD.and yet,it still hurts I still feel sad about thinking this about my dad,even though i can stillsmellthe stench,still feel the pain ,sting of his hurtful words to me,I can see him,stumbling ,to my bed drunk
and ,there I was alonewith dad ,his breath,his his looks,,,my god how could he how could he ..he he is my dad you know dads are suppose to love you adore you
a
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Well.here Igo another entry,DAYS lately have been absouluetly CRAPPY. Why?
Well,my son Jeremy is still very depressed anxious nervous panicky suiciadal and now
he willbe be homeschooled by MOM.He tried school,and they made allthese plans and
help for him but somehow,mysteriously l.they dont recall any of these plans or
accomadations.Sure they say we can haqve a meeting and discuss this ,No bull shit I am tired of fighting ,JEREMY meds needs to be adjusted and they make him groggy
and bsised all this ,the kids there are so dis ruptive.His own special ed teacher
stopped emailing me.WTF I say to her. I dont fucking need her, Jeremy is really excited about it and I know I can teach he more than he is getting now/
Imean Jeremy was so sad ,Girl problems,This girl talked to Jeremy allthe time
but when she met Jeremy ,after that she stopped.That devastated Jeremy.
He was so sad and Itold him just fuck her,She is just shallow.I told him girls can be bitches,He cried he taked it over with his friends and he decided he will justnot contact her,and she just stopped contact all together ,I told him goo dfor you.
' It is the hardest thing to see your child depressed ,sad crying shaking saving he is stupid and uglky . I told him beauty lies within the person,But ,Of course when you are a teenager that is hard to believe, But,he is a smart,funny,talented,
warm,gentle young man, And his smile can lite up the room. But of course I can be partial.Teenage years and peer pressure is so much harder than in my years.
DRUGS,ALCOHAL,GANGSA,ETC,and thnak GOD Jeremy doesnt smoke cigerttes,dope,drink or have had sex, Which,in these times is pretty unbelievable.But I love him to death,
his my teddy bear,
And,damn,with all of jeremys troubles .I was like ,walking on thin ice,My nerves was raw,I was sleeping way too much,taking my feel good pills so I wouldnt
feelthe pain.Its so hard to see your child depressed ,and sad,and especially when ya kinda get what he is feeling.
AS for as ryan is concerned,I am no where as sad as I WAS, although,I STILL GET UPSET.I still love the guy,and I just cant look at him or listen tom him,It still makes me cry.I know hes young and all,but,for CHRISTS sake,he must realize telling someone who is suicidal to stop fucking emailing him suicidal ideations
WHAT THE FUCK?He must have some common sense? telling a person who is suicidal
to fuck off basically. That was like a knife stabbing me in the back.
but...now I realize I shouldnt let his problems be my problems.
that is his problem he couldnt deal with it. He surely didnt have to be so hateful.ANo answerD at times he was so hateful, He would cvhoose what to answer
I dont know ,he just ,I allowed myself to let him get to me,
I dont know,,,about loving him. He was so sweet I AM maybe in some ways he reminded me of kevin.I DO MISS HIM IDO MISS HIM.a lot.
yOU know when I met ryan and ron and jason I thought wow this is great
what a great international freindship .IT was so cool THEY were funny and
I just enjoyed watching and listening to thei r antics. WOW....I FEEL SO SAD
I cant do this I cant, ryan,ryan,...why why did it have to end
haha ..funny the beatles dont let me down is on, AND I guess in a way I felt let down
ryan ryan was my inspiration for my blogs ..and look mnow ...he has nothing todomwith me..he says he doesnt hate me ..wellI dont believe that at all.
My life has totally changed since the storm.I am like the city...I too must rebuild rebirth.I must put away allthose painful me meories of my childhood
bury it burn it start fresh start fresh...and so the hurricane the katrina gave
me my reason to live to start fresh it jarred free memories that were locked inside me tucked away inside,memories I tried desperately tried to forget ,COPING WITH THEM AS THOUGH they didnt exist,Making up my fairy tales. LIES these lies were much more easier to live with .I didnt want people to know dad drank every day and slept in my bed most nites or that no on said I love you or hugged me oh know allI heard was
wish you werent born your stupid your fat your ugly no one wants ya
but in reality these statements my dad told me made him feel good I guess
no one loved him he didnt know how to love yes but he sure knew how to drink
Ahhhhh good old catholic girl,HAHAH the same catholic girl whodrank wine at 13
smoked weed at 14 and started making out and teasing boys at 15 sex at 16..yes good olsd catholic girl hahaha sounds like a song eh?
oh,yes mini mini skirts daisy dukes halter tops no bras hitchhiking
looking at the submarine races at the lake.Yes,spite daddy saying I WAS fat.i
made sure by the time I WAS 13 I was one fine 34 24 34 girl tight peanut low ride jeans barely covering your coochie and tgight knit body suits.
hahaha yes daddy fat you say joke was on you ,,,and then he called me too sking and a slut.wow daddy such fine words for your onlky baby girl.only girl
But I had fun I GOT the boys I had fun the weed laced brownies were good
teching a 15 yr old boy how tofrench kiss at 16 wow that was mmmmmfun
me and terri skipped school.smoking,sometimes getting beer on friadays
hey,the guy behind the cashier didnt mind he like our mini skirts and tight shirts as we leaned over showing our haha peky boobs that was so excited..and daring
and damn it made me feel good..after allmI NEVER got any love at home/
that s how I GOT kevein my halter tops mini skirst bandana halters braless
long brown hair too my ass brown eyes I was that brown eyed girl like in the song.
yes daddy raised a good catholic girl and yes katrina got all those memories
of dads drinking his smell his slouching ..and yet believe it or not I stillfeel
bad talking about him you know honor thy parenta parents dad was a monster
a drunk stenching monsterr,and mom good old mom she didnt say anything she was in lil brothers bed she never said anything to dad wow good old mom guess she didnt want
to get beat up by dad
yess my life after katrina was pure hell ...i didnt know if I WOuls ever make it
God i WAS FUCKED UP I MEAN REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP.
ANd dad died after katrina and ..no I never went to his funeral fuck him fuck him
I didnt want to be a hypnocrit..I had done enough lying about him all my life it wastime to put and end to it and yes too bad I didnt end it sooner.
although after mom died Im never talked to dad at allhe begged me but I never went
every time he saw me he always criticized me always.
and well,I wasnt going tolet him do it any more
yes ...after 4 yrs I guess I GOT A LITTLE BETTER ,my shrink told me there is noway i can ever return to work so now i am going to tell workers comp that they are going to pay me reaaly good fuck them the son of bitches ....
i feel like a looser a free loader lazy ..but hell I live off of pills to make me sleepto makeme have no nitemares and for the day when im have flash backs
wow ..mothers little helpers pink ones blue ones square round whie
pop them and i feel no pain just numb just a zombie but better than the tears
hahaa somany tears for somany reasons
tears for ryan ...tears for my loss of my childhood tears for loss of me sue
I dont know who I am for so long since 16 I WORKED and now at the age of 51 I am still not working
yes ryan FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....YOU DIDNT FUCKIN CARE ABOUT ME IT WAS ALL A SHOW ...ALL FOR THE SHOW ...SUCH A BASTARD...I GAVE ALLOF YOU GUYS MY HEART mylove
my soul my freindship ..i careed about you and your showang,,,,and for what
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU JUST FUCKING USED ME .I THOUGHT I REALLY THOUGHT YOU AND RON WERE DIFFERANT BUT YA NOT
damn ryan...spite all this I CAN FORGIVE YOU
OK ENOUGH SAID I AM TOO SADDENED
PEACE OUT
NAWLS
Well,my son Jeremy is still very depressed anxious nervous panicky suiciadal and now
he willbe be homeschooled by MOM.He tried school,and they made allthese plans and
help for him but somehow,mysteriously l.they dont recall any of these plans or
accomadations.Sure they say we can haqve a meeting and discuss this ,No bull shit I am tired of fighting ,JEREMY meds needs to be adjusted and they make him groggy
and bsised all this ,the kids there are so dis ruptive.His own special ed teacher
stopped emailing me.WTF I say to her. I dont fucking need her, Jeremy is really excited about it and I know I can teach he more than he is getting now/
Imean Jeremy was so sad ,Girl problems,This girl talked to Jeremy allthe time
but when she met Jeremy ,after that she stopped.That devastated Jeremy.
He was so sad and Itold him just fuck her,She is just shallow.I told him girls can be bitches,He cried he taked it over with his friends and he decided he will justnot contact her,and she just stopped contact all together ,I told him goo dfor you.
' It is the hardest thing to see your child depressed ,sad crying shaking saving he is stupid and uglky . I told him beauty lies within the person,But ,Of course when you are a teenager that is hard to believe, But,he is a smart,funny,talented,
warm,gentle young man, And his smile can lite up the room. But of course I can be partial.Teenage years and peer pressure is so much harder than in my years.
DRUGS,ALCOHAL,GANGSA,ETC,and thnak GOD Jeremy doesnt smoke cigerttes,dope,drink or have had sex, Which,in these times is pretty unbelievable.But I love him to death,
his my teddy bear,
And,damn,with all of jeremys troubles .I was like ,walking on thin ice,My nerves was raw,I was sleeping way too much,taking my feel good pills so I wouldnt
feelthe pain.Its so hard to see your child depressed ,and sad,and especially when ya kinda get what he is feeling.
AS for as ryan is concerned,I am no where as sad as I WAS, although,I STILL GET UPSET.I still love the guy,and I just cant look at him or listen tom him,It still makes me cry.I know hes young and all,but,for CHRISTS sake,he must realize telling someone who is suicidal to stop fucking emailing him suicidal ideations
WHAT THE FUCK?He must have some common sense? telling a person who is suicidal
to fuck off basically. That was like a knife stabbing me in the back.
but...now I realize I shouldnt let his problems be my problems.
that is his problem he couldnt deal with it. He surely didnt have to be so hateful.ANo answerD at times he was so hateful, He would cvhoose what to answer
I dont know ,he just ,I allowed myself to let him get to me,
I dont know,,,about loving him. He was so sweet I AM maybe in some ways he reminded me of kevin.I DO MISS HIM IDO MISS HIM.a lot.
yOU know when I met ryan and ron and jason I thought wow this is great
what a great international freindship .IT was so cool THEY were funny and
I just enjoyed watching and listening to thei r antics. WOW....I FEEL SO SAD
I cant do this I cant, ryan,ryan,...why why did it have to end
haha ..funny the beatles dont let me down is on, AND I guess in a way I felt let down
ryan ryan was my inspiration for my blogs ..and look mnow ...he has nothing todomwith me..he says he doesnt hate me ..wellI dont believe that at all.
My life has totally changed since the storm.I am like the city...I too must rebuild rebirth.I must put away allthose painful me meories of my childhood
bury it burn it start fresh start fresh...and so the hurricane the katrina gave
me my reason to live to start fresh it jarred free memories that were locked inside me tucked away inside,memories I tried desperately tried to forget ,COPING WITH THEM AS THOUGH they didnt exist,Making up my fairy tales. LIES these lies were much more easier to live with .I didnt want people to know dad drank every day and slept in my bed most nites or that no on said I love you or hugged me oh know allI heard was
wish you werent born your stupid your fat your ugly no one wants ya
but in reality these statements my dad told me made him feel good I guess
no one loved him he didnt know how to love yes but he sure knew how to drink
Ahhhhh good old catholic girl,HAHAH the same catholic girl whodrank wine at 13
smoked weed at 14 and started making out and teasing boys at 15 sex at 16..yes good olsd catholic girl hahaha sounds like a song eh?
oh,yes mini mini skirts daisy dukes halter tops no bras hitchhiking
looking at the submarine races at the lake.Yes,spite daddy saying I WAS fat.i
made sure by the time I WAS 13 I was one fine 34 24 34 girl tight peanut low ride jeans barely covering your coochie and tgight knit body suits.
hahaha yes daddy fat you say joke was on you ,,,and then he called me too sking and a slut.wow daddy such fine words for your onlky baby girl.only girl
But I had fun I GOT the boys I had fun the weed laced brownies were good
teching a 15 yr old boy how tofrench kiss at 16 wow that was mmmmmfun
me and terri skipped school.smoking,sometimes getting beer on friadays
hey,the guy behind the cashier didnt mind he like our mini skirts and tight shirts as we leaned over showing our haha peky boobs that was so excited..and daring
and damn it made me feel good..after allmI NEVER got any love at home/
that s how I GOT kevein my halter tops mini skirst bandana halters braless
long brown hair too my ass brown eyes I was that brown eyed girl like in the song.
yes daddy raised a good catholic girl and yes katrina got all those memories
of dads drinking his smell his slouching ..and yet believe it or not I stillfeel
bad talking about him you know honor thy parenta parents dad was a monster
a drunk stenching monsterr,and mom good old mom she didnt say anything she was in lil brothers bed she never said anything to dad wow good old mom guess she didnt want
to get beat up by dad
yess my life after katrina was pure hell ...i didnt know if I WOuls ever make it
God i WAS FUCKED UP I MEAN REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP.
ANd dad died after katrina and ..no I never went to his funeral fuck him fuck him
I didnt want to be a hypnocrit..I had done enough lying about him all my life it wastime to put and end to it and yes too bad I didnt end it sooner.
although after mom died Im never talked to dad at allhe begged me but I never went
every time he saw me he always criticized me always.
and well,I wasnt going tolet him do it any more
yes ...after 4 yrs I guess I GOT A LITTLE BETTER ,my shrink told me there is noway i can ever return to work so now i am going to tell workers comp that they are going to pay me reaaly good fuck them the son of bitches ....
i feel like a looser a free loader lazy ..but hell I live off of pills to make me sleepto makeme have no nitemares and for the day when im have flash backs
wow ..mothers little helpers pink ones blue ones square round whie
pop them and i feel no pain just numb just a zombie but better than the tears
hahaa somany tears for somany reasons
tears for ryan ...tears for my loss of my childhood tears for loss of me sue
I dont know who I am for so long since 16 I WORKED and now at the age of 51 I am still not working
yes ryan FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU....YOU DIDNT FUCKIN CARE ABOUT ME IT WAS ALL A SHOW ...ALL FOR THE SHOW ...SUCH A BASTARD...I GAVE ALLOF YOU GUYS MY HEART mylove
my soul my freindship ..i careed about you and your showang,,,,and for what
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU JUST FUCKING USED ME .I THOUGHT I REALLY THOUGHT YOU AND RON WERE DIFFERANT BUT YA NOT
damn ryan...spite all this I CAN FORGIVE YOU
OK ENOUGH SAID I AM TOO SADDENED
PEACE OUT
NAWLS
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
4TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE KATRINA
YES,ANOTHER YEAR HAS PAST SINCE "THE KATRINA"AND SOMEHOW,THE NEWS MEDIA DIDNT HYPE IT UP AS THEY HAD ,OR ,MORE THAN LIKELY,I JUST KEPT CLEAR AWAY FROM ANY PAPER,NEWS,RADIO ETC,SO THAT I COULD AVOID ALL THAT ' FEELINGS' They never go away ,not totally,They are ,the memories ,the emotions,the feelings etc,tucked away in a safe place,where it only surfaces,when I cant ,cant controlit.But,at least after four years ,the memories are not as raw...as they were, but thats not to say
the memories dont arise from the ashes of my memories, At times,when,I least expect it ,they comesurfacing ,with demonic revenge,and ,its ,its a pain ,an emotion,no one,
noit I can explain,Its a ,a,sick,sick,wretching ,pain,deep down your soul,ripping at you ,gripping you,,,,and I just stand there numb...trying not to be noticible ..
its a gut wrethching,sadness,and its like ,,,I feel I gotta get out,I panic ,
my mind leaves and goes of to another place,,,I just want to weep scream ...but
its so painful it nothing comes out,and then you remember that ,,,feeling the fear
the shame the anger the guilt all emotions rolled into one...Why? Why now?
cant this damn katrina demon leave me alone....?
My God,the emotions those raw emotions ,,,enter your mind ,,I just want toleave
run...ahhh but that would be too easy and who would win that battle?
who would loose? I have way to far into this recovery,healing process to let the demon win..And it can be so so easy to do ,,,I could raise my hands up in the air and wave the flag and surrender to the demon....But,,,I have suffered way too
much to give up now,And yes at times I have given in to the demon because
you just get so so tired and the memories the fear the shame the hate the anger the guilt ...are way to much to handle,,,and you want people to get it get you
understand you listen to you help you ...but so many dont
The pain gets so unbearable and your mind is so so ,,,,,screwed up filled with distortions delusions paronia ...you lay in your bed for days weeks months in the dark ...not having hope or faith or the willto live the guilt the shame
Why did you live while others died? Why did you just just go numb while the patients
asked for help and there you stood still ...frozen with fear...could i die here?
But,,,it was so hard ,,so damn hard ...and now after days and weeks of thinking i am dying spending days lifeless ...constantly reliving those memories the wind howlinmg the shaking of the biuldings the floors the walls crashing outside our onky source from the outside world a radio with mews of levees breaking 20 to 25 ft tidal surges ...people on roof tops stranded people in the nite screaming for help shootings,,,
I never knew what the war vets went thru when they spoke of flashbacks ..but
now I do I know all to well ...its like your in the movie your there reliving it
oOH GOD PLEASE DONT LET ME DIE ...HERE I was the one that suppose to be strong
....huddlindg like a coward ,shaking begging for my life my life ,,in a stair well
...and the flashbacks were so damn scary,,, i was reliving it over and over again
the fear the shame the pain..oh GOD it was hot hot and stench and unsanitary conditions....i couldnt go i couldnt go no longer...i was was just frozen with fear
and shame ...I was there to help these patients ...but i coulnt i was frozen
....what was that all about? I was to be the strong one,,,,here we all were
in a hospital with an empty city a mandatory evcuation..we were all alone
GOD WILL WE SUREVIVE WILL WE DIE WITH THESE TIDAL SURGES FORCING SWEEPING OVERAND DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN SITE.Oh no...I dont wantto drown no i dont wantto drown
my GOD ..why?i was cursing the same God I was asking to save me ...
....I am so damn tired of all the crap I hear from my ex friends from Canada who say they just dont get it. Tells me to get over it come on you fucking assholes
.....sleepless nites for days weeks months after the katrina...I was just so so
sad jumpy the flashbacks were so so so scary and I couldnt help my kids
they were depressed and I didnt know it I was so so so depressed i never left my room
no baths not eating and didnt want to sleep cause then came the dreams horror nite terrors i just couldnt get away from them i would scream scream blood curling screams I just wanted to die and and in my mind my dying would help all everyone my family friendsall..you see they wouldnt have to see me or be with me or be botherd with me
I tried many times to be put in a mental hospital...i had to i had to i couldnt take it i couldnt take it I was not happy i never laughed or smiled at all
.....I just screamed and cried and constantly looking in medical books and computers to see what diesese i was dying from...
depression I think i could handle ...or so so I THOUGHT ...BUT THIS ptsd
oOH MY GOG .... that was was the ultimate....the city the city we didnt go back to our house unttil almost a month and when we drove down our street and saw allthese tree oak trees uprooted i was like prepared for the worse and when we saw our house untouched i went down to my knees and thn=anked the same God I cursed earlier
But...we were lucky almost every other parish along the coast was destroyed
like houses pulled off the slabs cars on roofs houses flattened boats yachts tossed into a pile like tonka toys ...water at some places as high as 12 ft.levees broke and flooded chlamette ninth ward and lake view....everting looked gray the water didnt go down to a month in the areas that flooded
it was one trauma to work thru the katrina but then to see the city you love destroyed boats house yacts cars buses barges in the street
our cummunity was destroyed....we were destroyed MY GOD estmated 1900 people lost their lives bodies floating in the waters IS THIS REALLY AMERICA
yes i wanted to end it i wanted to take a handful of fucking pills and end it
i wanted to take the easy way out ....but there would be no more pain....
there were no mental health docs workers etc for solong suicicide rayte went up
people lost everything lost their home thier lives everything
it may be the cowardly way out but....the pain wasunbearable
the voices the cries of thre patients that were dying or scared continuely played like a 45 record in my mind their faces the fear in their eyes todie ...alone
and tohave their bodies gowho knows where...there was nosafe place toput them ...
the entire metroof new orleans was gone,,,,the metro area was abanded except for or who had no way out no transportation
You get the next few days venture outside ...telephone polesdown,electric wires down....trees entire trees uprooted and this was tobe the scene alldown the coastal louisiana mississippi and alabama3 states ...flattened
Yes ,,,even now after 4 years ..i still get sad sad tothe pit of my stomache
unless you were here and sawand witnessedthe damage...I DONT WANT TOHEAR AND I CAN NOT TOLERATE peoplescrap...oh but i dont see it i dontget it other places gets tornandooes
many compared us to 9/11 okthat was bad and many people died...and ifeel
very sad and angry ,,,however,it was a small area people houses wasnot flattened
there entire comunities were not destroyed they did not have water inthe streets for amonth etc etc
I dont mean tobe disrepectful but...there is nocpompariso none none at all
for those guys in canada ryan jason.... YOU ARE THE ONES THAT DONT HAVE A CLUE
where were you guys? did you go and helprebuild?did you send aide ? did you do it
knowing me and that my home was destroyed?You both are absolutely totally selfish
non caring despoise USA especially you ryan....with your globalwarming bullshit
dosomething now to help so meone in need you criticize me for my suicide ideations
HEY UNTILYOU WALK IN MY SHOES AND LIVE IN MY WORLD AND EXPERINCE A FOURTH WHAT I HAD
DURING KATRINA THEN WE CAN TALK globalwarming is a bunch of buracratic bullshit just something for the politicians to make people think they are doing something great for theworld.Hey ...you are concerned about the world? come to new orleans chalmette
houma ninth wardlakeview gentilly ...etc helprebuild the playgrounds and helpreplant
trees and flowers ans=d shrubs etc that died after having salt water for amonth.
RYAN,,,,I,I,TRY TO BE A GOOD PERSON,AND I THINK I AM.
AND JASON....PITY PARTY RYAN ...GET A GRIP SUICIDE IS REAL ITS SERIUOS AND OND ONE DAY YOU MAY VERY WELL WILLHAVE A dear one be suicidal.Yes its scary,but its so real....
my world my life was turned completly upside down I have been working since i was 15 and when huricane katrina hit I WAS 47 ...and ...cause of my ptsd flashbacks delusions niteterrors disaccoiations etc...i can no longer work...that makes me feel
useless...think about it ,,,ahhhh you cant...you are only 5 yrs older than my oldest child brittany who willturn 23 this friday.
wow...I have been thru a lot cried a lot lied yes to rachel ....tokevin tomy kids moreimportant to me I am indeeed a specialperson who does have many years of life ahead and i guess i placed allmy worth in my job and i wanted to make every one happy ,everyone but me
...I have come far but it was not not easy but nothing in th eworld is ever easy
and so ...i think I WROTE ENOUGH
please please ryan jason... please I hope one day you willrealize i meant noharm
and one day we may make peace I certainly hope so
i love you both
peace out
may all the victoms of katrina rest inpeace
and may allthe survivors of katrina
keep on moving on one day day by day the pain willbe leass
andit will be tucked away in that special spot
GOD BLESS ALL
the memories dont arise from the ashes of my memories, At times,when,I least expect it ,they comesurfacing ,with demonic revenge,and ,its ,its a pain ,an emotion,no one,
noit I can explain,Its a ,a,sick,sick,wretching ,pain,deep down your soul,ripping at you ,gripping you,,,,and I just stand there numb...trying not to be noticible ..
its a gut wrethching,sadness,and its like ,,,I feel I gotta get out,I panic ,
my mind leaves and goes of to another place,,,I just want to weep scream ...but
its so painful it nothing comes out,and then you remember that ,,,feeling the fear
the shame the anger the guilt all emotions rolled into one...Why? Why now?
cant this damn katrina demon leave me alone....?
My God,the emotions those raw emotions ,,,enter your mind ,,I just want toleave
run...ahhh but that would be too easy and who would win that battle?
who would loose? I have way to far into this recovery,healing process to let the demon win..And it can be so so easy to do ,,,I could raise my hands up in the air and wave the flag and surrender to the demon....But,,,I have suffered way too
much to give up now,And yes at times I have given in to the demon because
you just get so so tired and the memories the fear the shame the hate the anger the guilt ...are way to much to handle,,,and you want people to get it get you
understand you listen to you help you ...but so many dont
The pain gets so unbearable and your mind is so so ,,,,,screwed up filled with distortions delusions paronia ...you lay in your bed for days weeks months in the dark ...not having hope or faith or the willto live the guilt the shame
Why did you live while others died? Why did you just just go numb while the patients
asked for help and there you stood still ...frozen with fear...could i die here?
But,,,it was so hard ,,so damn hard ...and now after days and weeks of thinking i am dying spending days lifeless ...constantly reliving those memories the wind howlinmg the shaking of the biuldings the floors the walls crashing outside our onky source from the outside world a radio with mews of levees breaking 20 to 25 ft tidal surges ...people on roof tops stranded people in the nite screaming for help shootings,,,
I never knew what the war vets went thru when they spoke of flashbacks ..but
now I do I know all to well ...its like your in the movie your there reliving it
oOH GOD PLEASE DONT LET ME DIE ...HERE I was the one that suppose to be strong
....huddlindg like a coward ,shaking begging for my life my life ,,in a stair well
...and the flashbacks were so damn scary,,, i was reliving it over and over again
the fear the shame the pain..oh GOD it was hot hot and stench and unsanitary conditions....i couldnt go i couldnt go no longer...i was was just frozen with fear
and shame ...I was there to help these patients ...but i coulnt i was frozen
....what was that all about? I was to be the strong one,,,,here we all were
in a hospital with an empty city a mandatory evcuation..we were all alone
GOD WILL WE SUREVIVE WILL WE DIE WITH THESE TIDAL SURGES FORCING SWEEPING OVERAND DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN SITE.Oh no...I dont wantto drown no i dont wantto drown
my GOD ..why?i was cursing the same God I was asking to save me ...
....I am so damn tired of all the crap I hear from my ex friends from Canada who say they just dont get it. Tells me to get over it come on you fucking assholes
.....sleepless nites for days weeks months after the katrina...I was just so so
sad jumpy the flashbacks were so so so scary and I couldnt help my kids
they were depressed and I didnt know it I was so so so depressed i never left my room
no baths not eating and didnt want to sleep cause then came the dreams horror nite terrors i just couldnt get away from them i would scream scream blood curling screams I just wanted to die and and in my mind my dying would help all everyone my family friendsall..you see they wouldnt have to see me or be with me or be botherd with me
I tried many times to be put in a mental hospital...i had to i had to i couldnt take it i couldnt take it I was not happy i never laughed or smiled at all
.....I just screamed and cried and constantly looking in medical books and computers to see what diesese i was dying from...
depression I think i could handle ...or so so I THOUGHT ...BUT THIS ptsd
oOH MY GOG .... that was was the ultimate....the city the city we didnt go back to our house unttil almost a month and when we drove down our street and saw allthese tree oak trees uprooted i was like prepared for the worse and when we saw our house untouched i went down to my knees and thn=anked the same God I cursed earlier
But...we were lucky almost every other parish along the coast was destroyed
like houses pulled off the slabs cars on roofs houses flattened boats yachts tossed into a pile like tonka toys ...water at some places as high as 12 ft.levees broke and flooded chlamette ninth ward and lake view....everting looked gray the water didnt go down to a month in the areas that flooded
it was one trauma to work thru the katrina but then to see the city you love destroyed boats house yacts cars buses barges in the street
our cummunity was destroyed....we were destroyed MY GOD estmated 1900 people lost their lives bodies floating in the waters IS THIS REALLY AMERICA
yes i wanted to end it i wanted to take a handful of fucking pills and end it
i wanted to take the easy way out ....but there would be no more pain....
there were no mental health docs workers etc for solong suicicide rayte went up
people lost everything lost their home thier lives everything
it may be the cowardly way out but....the pain wasunbearable
the voices the cries of thre patients that were dying or scared continuely played like a 45 record in my mind their faces the fear in their eyes todie ...alone
and tohave their bodies gowho knows where...there was nosafe place toput them ...
the entire metroof new orleans was gone,,,,the metro area was abanded except for or who had no way out no transportation
You get the next few days venture outside ...telephone polesdown,electric wires down....trees entire trees uprooted and this was tobe the scene alldown the coastal louisiana mississippi and alabama3 states ...flattened
Yes ,,,even now after 4 years ..i still get sad sad tothe pit of my stomache
unless you were here and sawand witnessedthe damage...I DONT WANT TOHEAR AND I CAN NOT TOLERATE peoplescrap...oh but i dont see it i dontget it other places gets tornandooes
many compared us to 9/11 okthat was bad and many people died...and ifeel
very sad and angry ,,,however,it was a small area people houses wasnot flattened
there entire comunities were not destroyed they did not have water inthe streets for amonth etc etc
I dont mean tobe disrepectful but...there is nocpompariso none none at all
for those guys in canada ryan jason.... YOU ARE THE ONES THAT DONT HAVE A CLUE
where were you guys? did you go and helprebuild?did you send aide ? did you do it
knowing me and that my home was destroyed?You both are absolutely totally selfish
non caring despoise USA especially you ryan....with your globalwarming bullshit
dosomething now to help so meone in need you criticize me for my suicide ideations
HEY UNTILYOU WALK IN MY SHOES AND LIVE IN MY WORLD AND EXPERINCE A FOURTH WHAT I HAD
DURING KATRINA THEN WE CAN TALK globalwarming is a bunch of buracratic bullshit just something for the politicians to make people think they are doing something great for theworld.Hey ...you are concerned about the world? come to new orleans chalmette
houma ninth wardlakeview gentilly ...etc helprebuild the playgrounds and helpreplant
trees and flowers ans=d shrubs etc that died after having salt water for amonth.
RYAN,,,,I,I,TRY TO BE A GOOD PERSON,AND I THINK I AM.
AND JASON....PITY PARTY RYAN ...GET A GRIP SUICIDE IS REAL ITS SERIUOS AND OND ONE DAY YOU MAY VERY WELL WILLHAVE A dear one be suicidal.Yes its scary,but its so real....
my world my life was turned completly upside down I have been working since i was 15 and when huricane katrina hit I WAS 47 ...and ...cause of my ptsd flashbacks delusions niteterrors disaccoiations etc...i can no longer work...that makes me feel
useless...think about it ,,,ahhhh you cant...you are only 5 yrs older than my oldest child brittany who willturn 23 this friday.
wow...I have been thru a lot cried a lot lied yes to rachel ....tokevin tomy kids moreimportant to me I am indeeed a specialperson who does have many years of life ahead and i guess i placed allmy worth in my job and i wanted to make every one happy ,everyone but me
...I have come far but it was not not easy but nothing in th eworld is ever easy
and so ...i think I WROTE ENOUGH
please please ryan jason... please I hope one day you willrealize i meant noharm
and one day we may make peace I certainly hope so
i love you both
peace out
may all the victoms of katrina rest inpeace
and may allthe survivors of katrina
keep on moving on one day day by day the pain willbe leass
andit will be tucked away in that special spot
GOD BLESS ALL
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
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