the monster has won but damnit ryan ryan ryan cant you see the pain you caused me you must admit it to yourself,Dont sit back and say what the fuck i was sending those suicidal ideations to you?dont you get it? i was was was soooo fucking sad
....about what ?life about the paint he darknes ths endless memories of the people crying begging not to die,the relentless fear of me dying in the hospiatal.
ryan ryan ryan you HURT ME BAD why? do you not know not to ...not to
i was sad so sad ....and i just didnt get it why you hated me why you hated me
so much to do it to just stab me curse me out i wasnot trying to hurt you
DAMN IT RYAN....i feel so sad i wanted to die do you get it did you get it??
I took a bunch of pills that day.Alli knew is i reached out to you to jason
and you both ....didnt care didnt fucking care. you must hate me ryan?
and that day i just wanted to die,,,,,all you had to do was dont do it sue dont kill yourself dont do it....NO YOU JUST CURSED ME OUT
DAMN RYAN HILL DAMN RYAN HILL I KNOW I BELIEVE YOU HATE ME
AND ONE DAY ONE DAY....I MAY SUCCEED ON KILLING MYSELF AND THATS WHY
you didnt want to get to be my friend.....you didnt want to get hurt?
But ryan i loved you i though you you were my freind i loved you i think like my son

...ryan hill ;;( am trully sorry if i die I shall be your guardain angel
cause i still care

goobye

sue

wow another day a ?nd I still hear nothing from ryan or ron and jason well he threatened me with sending a virus to my computer and knocking out my computer.
Now,thtascompssion eh? wtf is wrong with him I ask myself ? Wtf is wrong with a person who is and acts so clueless when it comes to mentalillness depression suicide
Can a person be thts STUPID? Do you you tell acrying person ,really mean and angry
i am and dont expect me to listen to your crying. WELL ,wtf,I am just a suicidal
person,a depressed person,Does he think I can turn my tears off like a faucet?
I just cant fathom people being so ignorant and just hateful and cruel,
and dont understand the consquences that may occur to that depressed persomn on the other end of the phone?Ans Ryan ,you,you,say ,you never are sadm,what a pile of crap.
You surely dont believe that,and you surely dont believe I believe that. Ryan,
if indeed you do believe this ,than ,you are only fooling yourself. Honestly,
people cant be happy allthe time ,come on,be truthful and honest to yourself.
My depression is something I must live with ,and ,you Jason and ryan ,just...
you just insist on not trying to understand,and you treat as some ,looney
person,or as you say Ryan a child,but ,dont judge me,really dont judge me.You,have never experienced any of the traumas and events that i have ,so ,therefore dont juge me.You,say you have the right to not respond to things ,ok ,i agree,but ,when I ask what you think about my pics are a songetc.you choose not to respond.
However,you want to hear anything about your music pics etc. See,you cant have it
a one way relationship,a all you ,fuck you relationship.
You.know ,what I think I think you are afraid of getting close to someone,
I think you are scared,shy,quiet etc,But,hey,thats cool , but just say that ,ryan
just say hey sue I am really shy and find it hard to share my feelings.
Ryan,you once were rerally nice and kind to m,e.YOU were funny and kind and
you seemed to cars. i loved your smile and your laugh and i genuinely loved you
perhaps you were scared ,i dont know,I wish I did
all three of you guys ron jasonand ryan,you made me smile and laugh and I
thought you guys were sincere ,but in the end ,you just did it for the show .dont piss off a fan.ryan both jason and ron warned me about you,and how you were,but,
i didnt believe it,,,ryan,please pleas promise you k\learned something from this ,
experience,please never ignore a person who is suicidal,never curse them or say what you did tome .I was so soso so depressed ,,not cause of you but because of everything
depression that dark dark deep depression thats holds you controls you takes away your will to live it cripples your soul and cripples your spirit and ..you just are so damn numb,and the pain the pain so munbearable your mind rushing heart beating you you cant breathe..and you just lay in bed in a ball and you rock and rock stare
stare a blank stare and ...you feel nothing nothing
and the the thoughts those thoughts of lets just die lets just do it end iot no one cares no one gives a damn ..they say,,,wtf is wrong with you shake it off
wtf are you doing they say all the wrong words do allthe wrong things...
shake it off get a grip...do you think I would have fucking done that if i could
dont you see dont you see what we need to hear is please we need you we love you
we will miss you but instead instaed you say stop with your fucking guilkt trip suicidal ideations Dont you get it dont you get it?
the memories the flashbacks your tired of the hurt the pain you are tired just so tired you just feel you lost the battle the dragon the monster has w

HERE IT IS ANOTHER ENTRY ABOUT....THEM,THE CANADIANS I THOUGHT WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE.
BUT I WAS WRONG.IT JUST HURTS ,YOU KNOW,REALLY HURTS,ALL OF MY LIFE,PEOPLECAME AND WENT,THEY JUST DIDNT GET ME OR PERHAPS THEY DID ,AND DIDNT WANT TO DEALWITH IT;ALL MY CHILDHOOD LIFE ,I LIVED WITH LIES,YOU KNOW A LOVING PARENTS ,TEACHING ME VALUES.THAT YOU SHOULD HELP OTHERS,WOW,THIS HURTS SO MUCH,THERE IS SO MUCH
HURT AND PAIN AND TEARS THAT STILL NEED TO BE SHED.
BUT,I MET THESE GUYS FROM CANADA,AND ,I THOUGHT ,WOW THEY ARECOOL,BUTIT WAS JUST AN IMAGE ,JUST SOMETHING TO KEEP THE FANS HAPPY,IT WAS,AN ACT,AND LIKE THEM,I TOOLIVED AN ACT,
WOW,I MISS THEM .I HURT,I CRY....I DONT UNDERSTAND IT,,,,WHY ...WHY I HAVE SO MUCH FEELINGSFOR RYAN. HEESOR AT LEAST I THOUGHT HE WAS A CARING PERSON,REAL.
PERSON .NONE OF THAT FAKE BULLSHIT.BUT IN THE END HE TURNED OUT TO BE ...JUST LIKE THE REST.BUT....THE FEELINGS FOR RYAN ...WAS STRONGER THAN ...IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.'
DID I FALLIN LOVE WITH HIM ,OR JUST WHAT HE STOOD FORM ...FREE SPIRITED,,YOUTH..
I GUESS I STILL STRUGLLE WITH THESE FEELINGS.
I THINK ,PEOPLE CAN MORE THAN ONE PERSON,IN I GUESS CERTAIN LEVELS,WAYS.
I SAW A GENTLE PERSON AT TIMES ,ONE THAT REALLYCARED,O FUNNY WITTY,AND YES
A SEXY GUY. HIS VOICE .HIS LAUGH HIS SMILE...IT JUST TOOK HOL OF ME
AND I JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT...AND I GUESS WHWEN HE FINALLY DECIDED HE HAD ENOUGHOF MY....DEPRESSED WAYS.DEPRESSED THINKING,MY SUICIDE THOUGHTS HE LEFT.
BUTAT LEASTRYAN WAS ALWAYS HONEST ABOUT WHAT HE CALED AN INTERNET AQAINTANCE
AND I JUST FELT CRUSHED....I TRIED NOT TO BELIEVE IT I TRIED TO THINK I COULD CHANGE IT OMG...YOU KNOW IT STILL HURTS I CANT LOOK AT HIM OR LISTEN TO HIM
HE WAS HE WAS SO SPECIAL TO ME AND I GUESS IN WAY HE GOT TANGLED UP IN MY
WEB OF FANTASIES LIKE THE STORIES I MADE UP IN CHILDHOOD TO SURVIVE I BELIEVED
HE CARED I BELIEVED HE HAD LIKED ME AS A FRIEND MORE THAN HE WANTED TO ADMIT AND MAYBE HE STRTED TO LIKE ME ASA FREIND BUT WAS AFRAID ,,,,TO GET TOO CLOSE

HERE I GO..MY MIND JUST GOES IN CIRCLES AND THINKS ALL THESE DISTORTED THOUGHTS
HOWEVER,I KNOW IN MY HEART,THAT I LOVE HIM ,,,I DO I WILLALWAYS LOVE HIM
HES JUST SO GENTLE KIND CARING OR SO I THOUGHT AND EVEN AFTER HE SAID THOSE NASTY THINS TOME..I STILLLOVE HIM.THIS IS MY LIFE I NEVER GOT ANY AFFECTION FROM MY FAMILY
SO....ANY FORM OF AFFECTION I GOT EVEN IT CAME WITH ALLTHIS CRAP THE CONTROL THE INSULTS THE PAIN THE DISRESPECT,,,IT STILLWAS SOME FORM OF WARPED AFFECTION AND I ACCEPTED AND ..BY DOING SO ALLOWED THEM THOSE WHO LOVED ME PERMISSION TO DIRESPECT ME
WOW AN AHHA MOMENT. I ACCEPTED ALL THE CRAP FROM ALL THE GUYS RELATIONSHIPS PERIOD.I GAVE THEM PERMISSION TO TREAT ME LIKE MTHAT,,I SHOULD NEVER ACCEPT ANY OF THAT CRAP BUT I WAS JUST SO GLAD TO GET THE ATTENTION
I DIDNT WANT THEM TO LEAVE..AND SOON THEY PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS TELLING ME NO ONE WOULD PUT UP WITH YOU AND I BELIEVED IT
WOW OMG WHAT
VEATWATA
H AT

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WROTE ,BUT I GUESS I WAS JUST TOO DEPRESSED AND JUST SO SAD.ITS BEEN ALMOST A YEAR SINCE RONS SHOW WAS CANCELED ,AND I CAN REMEMBER HOW SAD I WAS AND HOW I MISSED IT SO MUCH,BACK THEN,I NEVER REALIZED HOW SO DAMN DEPENDENDENT I WAS ON RON AND RYAN AND JASON. AND WHEN RON LEFT ,HE WOULD EMAIL ,NOT THAT FREQUENT,BUT HE EMAILED ME. JASON REALLY DIDNT EMAIL MUCH AND RYAN DID SO SPORADICALLY,MOSTLY WHENEVR HE FELT THE NEED,BUT,NOW I REALIZE THAT I DIDNT MUCH TO ANY OF THEM.ESPECIALLY TO RON,IN FACT ,LAST EMAILRON SENT ,HE MENTION THINGS DO CHANGE, AND ,NOW ,I KINDA THINKM THEY ALLUSED ME BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEIR MOST DEVOTED FANS ,WHO NEVER MISSED A SHOW.
RYAN,WAS ALLK ABOUT HIMSELF,BUT ,I THINK AT ONE TIME HE KINDA THOUGHT OF ME AS A
BUDDY, BUT AT TIMES ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS HIS MUSIC HIS PICTURES ETC,AND ,YET,WHENI WOULD ASK FOR HIS ADVICE,IT WAS LIKE FUCK YOU,BUT,I HAD DEVOLOPED SUCH A DEPENDENCY ON HIM, SPITE HIS HUGE EGO,I LOVED HIS SMILE,HIS LAUGH ,HIS DRY SENSE OF HUMOR,I
THINK IT WAS HIS YOUTH.
BUT,I THINK,LOOSING RON FREINDSHIP HURTS THE MOST,CAUSE HE ALWAYS STATED HOW MUCH HE LOVED HIS FANS. IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF CRAP.IT HURTS ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TRUST PEOPLE.BELIEVE PEOPLE.AT LEAST,WITH RYAN HE WAS HONEST,HE SAID I JUST WASNT
A GOOD FREIND,AT THE TIME IT REALLY HURT AND IT STILL DOES ,
BUT THESE THREE GUYS ,I THOUGHT WERE SO WONDERFUL ,THEY WERE FUNNY AND THEY MADE ME LAUGH AND SMILE,AND ,I FELT SO MUCH AT EASE TO TELL THEM MY STORY,ABOUT THE HURRICANE AND ABOUT MY DAD AND ABOUT MY SUICICDAL IDEATIONS,
RYAN JUST GOT TO THE POINT THAT HE CHOSE WHAT HE WANTED TO RESPOND TO
AND SOON....HE JUST SAID FUCK IT FUCK ME AND ASKED ME NOT TO CALLOR EMAILHIM.
I WAS SOSOSOS SAD. UNBELIEVABLE Y SAD,HOW COULD HE DO THIS AND HOW CAN I GO WITHOUT EMAILING HIM .BUT SOON I GREW TO REALLY DESPISE HIM..HE JUST TREATED ME LIKE CRAP
AND ...NOW ....I STILLLOVE HIM ..BUT HATE HIM DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzwuTQatNg0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_15tALSO5M

dear God,
its been such a long time since I wrote to you.I know,that after the katrina I cursed you ,and could not believe all the destruction you caused,Why? why?
it ,it angered me,so much.I guess it just reminded me of all those memories and thoughts practically drilled into my head how God is a good ,loving,nurturing God.
Ok....so why katrina? there was just so many emotions swirling around my mind.
hate,fear,guilt,shame .How,can ,the God i was taught to honor and love ,,,cause so much..destruction? And ,why,why,me ,why was I one of the chosen people left behing during katrina ,survive? Why,did so many innocnt patients at the hospital,have to die
alone? And,why,me ,the person,chosen tostay behind at the hospital,turnedmy back on them,why,couldnt i gather up enough strength ,to help these people?
Well.it was so hard ,after,it was over,and i realized I had survived ..i was like numb...at first....i just was numb...what had happened,..how many lives were lost and how many homes destroyed.It was just so so so hard to comprehand.The patients
were very much frighhtened and crying and ...there i wa ,thinking ofme.
WAs ,i just as bad as God?
aFTER,THE HURRICANE ,THEN CAME THE water,it was so so unbelievable to watch...it was a wall of waterjust flooding the streets,OMG ...now we are going to die we are going to drown..I can remember.we had pulled allpatients bed around the nurses station,like aposse .like mash unit,,,and everyone watched and listened and prayed
..and carefully listened to a radio broadcasting the weather and news,,,
WOW,unbelievable,and all so unreal,our city ,our homes our communities
were under siege to the enemy katrina and allof us were unable to stop it,
there were accounts of water as high as roof tops .windows breaking at dowtown hospitals and water rushing in.I know at one point ,i went in aq corner stairwell
and just rocked and cried and thought dear God,i may never leave this building alive and i may never be found....
ok enough for now