wow another day alive ,and feeling half way ok.But still feeling edgy and I dont know why?There are days when I ABSOLUTELY HATE RYAN FOR BEING THE ASS HE WAS TO me,but there are days when I feel som sad and miss him.And its ,its,to hard to understaND WHY I feel this way.Perhaps its my ocd again. I do get rather compusulive obsessive stuff going on in my hEAD, and its do hard to just like stop it,it gets worse ,until it gets unbearable.
Mom,was like that when I was young,having to check things over and over and over again,and it got so ,so ,so bad.And ,as a child ,I didntn underestand what was wrong,.
and I dont think the docs knew either.After all this was like 40 years ago,they just said mom was going thru her change.You Know the women change in life,and her docs just kinda patted her on the back.just,try to pacify her I guess.But,it was so bad
at times,I just knew that one day i would be like my mother.And I dreaded it.
Well,at the age of thirty ,I started getting like mom.obsessive,compulsive,anxiuos,nervous and cryingg,wailing .asking for god to helpme. All the stuff mom did ,when I WAS YOUNG,IT got,realy bad,i was pacing,shaking,heart poundind,jittery,and i just couldnt get it.I blamed my mom
for this curse,.I also went to docs ,and and all said the same thimng,change of life.
What ,I wasonly in my early 30"s but so was my mom.DAMN IT DAMN THE CURSE!!!!!
I felt miserable ,put on harmones therapy ,but nothing helped nothing.
wow,what would happen. It got worse but no ofered no answers ....
until my first nervous breakdown in 2000. Then ,I thought finally .a dx depression.
And ,after many years of therapy,today now ,I can see my moms illness
HER OCD DEPRESSION WAS HER WAY of dealing with dads bullshit her coping mechanisims,
her defense mechanisms .
And,now,i can feel empathy for her.wow.....kevins acting an ass ,,cant concentrate
later

nawls