It has been a long time since I wrote an entry,but,I guess,I was just hurt ,angry.
sad and ashamed.People,you,get to trust them and ,after awhile,you open up your heart and soul to them.You tell them things ,really personal stuff.WHY? Because.you
are sure that this person will be the one who understaqnds,cares and doesnt turn their back on you.You want so much for them to really care about you,and your feelings and that they accept you ,with all your faults and emotional garbage.
And,you trust them ,you trust someone again,thinking ,this person will not walk away,
will be there for you, even thru the rough spots,thru the tears ,thru the compulsiveand obsessive crap.After all ,every one you think you can trusts runs away
And,yes ,I guess its only fair to say,I cant much blame them.Who is this "CRAZY"

person.No one really undestands the illness,
depression,and depression at the point of darkness,thick fog,loneliness,fear,voices.
smells,rage ,things in your mind that seem to be played over and over in your mind like a worn out record,And,it is so vivid ,the screams ,the wind howling,the water
pouring in ,wallls shake,floors shake.crashing ,outside.Then silence
but,no ,its not the end ,,,there is more to come. All these horrific memories floods your mind, and my god....why and when willit end.
you,think you are dying,you ache ,everywhere,you dont get out of bed,you lay in darkness,in afetal position,rocking back and forth ,and this terrible terrible pain lingers in your body. You cantg stay still. ITS like a demon is inside you and you
just cant stand the pain.You avoid your family,you are distant with your spouse and children ,And ,yet,the spouse ,the children ,your family are so much in pain
to see you this way,You are a shell of what you once were, you curse God for causing this much destruction and this much death.Why? Where is that god that caring god.
all this ,like a gift from god enters my life 3 guys from canada ,they i thought were my salvation,They made me smile and laugh,And ,yes ,I thought these were the ones they are the ones i can trust,but ,in the ened ,I realized they really didnt get it ,didnt get the depression or my high and lows and my suicide thoughts\and
as one said a pity party. well that just just got me upset really upset
and we no longer talk they didnt care thney didnt understand .....

wow...i must continue this ata later time....too upset
i miss them i am angry i am confused i am so sad ....
and now now i just want to die its just too hard to go on