well.here it goes again,I feel so sad ,i am so fucking dbsessed with ryan,I just want him to ,to ,be my friend.And,even though I put him thru some very emotional garbage,he ,,still ,was ,at times very rude and obnoxious to me. Choosinhg to respong to my questions ,if he was interested in them.I just felt like ,a second class citizen ,that I was just ,stupid ,old lady who knew nothing about technology.I felt,that often times he treate d me as an inferior person.
And ,yes,I was and stillam a very ,ill .scared,sad,fearful,shameful,guilty.ocd
person...but,I was so afraid of him getting piss off at me.I constantly took his emotional abuse. But,thats me,take ,take,take,the veral abuse..to keep people there,
And ,I now I realize ,that in the ned They loose respect for me.
I felt comfortable,I just needed someone to tzlk to,and ,you said you dont like needy people,but ,people do need people to a certain extent.,And,perhaps ryan,you,too have issues which you are dealing with . And,hey ,thats ok,But,ryan,
I must tell you the pain,the hurt,your words,your lack of empathy...was like a knife stabbed in my back.
There is so much more work I have to do to heal and to recover and to be a
serene,peaceful happy free spirited person i always wanted to be,
I must learn to love me and accept me.I must feel comfortable with my decisions in life and believe them and not let anyone convince me its wrong.I must respect me and respect my opinions.I want so much to enjoy lifee,However ,I realize I will never be the person I once was.things changed,and things ,these evnets ,katrina,were or happened for a reason.IT IS PART OF MY PLAN THAT GOD HAS FOR ME.and i know now ,katrina was my salvation ,it opened my eyes and spirit,and realize i was living a shell of a life ,filled with lies and sadness and denial and pain and fear and confusion.If katrina didnt happen .i would possibly not be alive today,but would have committed suicide.....ok

enough for now i must take these things slow...the painis still raw
peace

nawls