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wow another day alive ,and feeling half way ok.But still feeling edgy and I dont know why?There are days when I ABSOLUTELY HATE RYAN FOR BEING THE ASS HE WAS TO me,but there are days when I feel som sad and miss him.And its ,its,to hard to understaND WHY I feel this way.Perhaps its my ocd again. I do get rather compusulive obsessive stuff going on in my hEAD, and its do hard to just like stop it,it gets worse ,until it gets unbearable.
Mom,was like that when I was young,having to check things over and over and over again,and it got so ,so ,so bad.And ,as a child ,I didntn underestand what was wrong,.
and I dont think the docs knew either.After all this was like 40 years ago,they just said mom was going thru her change.You Know the women change in life,and her docs just kinda patted her on the back.just,try to pacify her I guess.But,it was so bad
at times,I just knew that one day i would be like my mother.And I dreaded it.
Well,at the age of thirty ,I started getting like mom.obsessive,compulsive,anxiuos,nervous and cryingg,wailing .asking for god to helpme. All the stuff mom did ,when I WAS YOUNG,IT got,realy bad,i was pacing,shaking,heart poundind,jittery,and i just couldnt get it.I blamed my mom
for this curse,.I also went to docs ,and and all said the same thimng,change of life.
What ,I wasonly in my early 30"s but so was my mom.DAMN IT DAMN THE CURSE!!!!!
I felt miserable ,put on harmones therapy ,but nothing helped nothing.
wow,what would happen. It got worse but no ofered no answers ....
until my first nervous breakdown in 2000. Then ,I thought finally .a dx depression.
And ,after many years of therapy,today now ,I can see my moms illness
HER OCD DEPRESSION WAS HER WAY of dealing with dads bullshit her coping mechanisims,
her defense mechanisms .
And,now,i can feel empathy for her.wow.....kevins acting an ass ,,cant concentrate
later

nawls

well.here it goes again,I feel so sad ,i am so fucking dbsessed with ryan,I just want him to ,to ,be my friend.And,even though I put him thru some very emotional garbage,he ,,still ,was ,at times very rude and obnoxious to me. Choosinhg to respong to my questions ,if he was interested in them.I just felt like ,a second class citizen ,that I was just ,stupid ,old lady who knew nothing about technology.I felt,that often times he treate d me as an inferior person.
And ,yes,I was and stillam a very ,ill .scared,sad,fearful,shameful,guilty.ocd
person...but,I was so afraid of him getting piss off at me.I constantly took his emotional abuse. But,thats me,take ,take,take,the veral abuse..to keep people there,
And ,I now I realize ,that in the ned They loose respect for me.
I felt comfortable,I just needed someone to tzlk to,and ,you said you dont like needy people,but ,people do need people to a certain extent.,And,perhaps ryan,you,too have issues which you are dealing with . And,hey ,thats ok,But,ryan,
I must tell you the pain,the hurt,your words,your lack of empathy...was like a knife stabbed in my back.
There is so much more work I have to do to heal and to recover and to be a
serene,peaceful happy free spirited person i always wanted to be,
I must learn to love me and accept me.I must feel comfortable with my decisions in life and believe them and not let anyone convince me its wrong.I must respect me and respect my opinions.I want so much to enjoy lifee,However ,I realize I will never be the person I once was.things changed,and things ,these evnets ,katrina,were or happened for a reason.IT IS PART OF MY PLAN THAT GOD HAS FOR ME.and i know now ,katrina was my salvation ,it opened my eyes and spirit,and realize i was living a shell of a life ,filled with lies and sadness and denial and pain and fear and confusion.If katrina didnt happen .i would possibly not be alive today,but would have committed suicide.....ok

enough for now i must take these things slow...the painis still raw
peace

nawls

ok here it goes another attempt of writing down my feelings ,and that may be quit difficult and painful.there are days when all is good with my life and I am happy and content,But,damn most days ,I just feel this ,this sick,sick,feeling ,in my body,perhaps,like a sadness ,almost childlike in a sense.Which,that ,in itself makes total sense,because ,my childhood for the most part,I dont remember, And,that is
really sad. I think,I believe,that ,there is something ,there that I am blocking,memeories ,so horrible and sad and painful,that i just,cant ,and dont want to deal with,
I do have one ,strong ,strong,lack of emotons for any love for my father,for ,which,I shall call him the sper donar ,or just donare.I have never felt any love for him ever,as a child or as an adult,and I always knew,that was very odd.
How could a daughter not remember fond moments with their father. It is so sad,and so
painful ,and I just want to to yell and scream and ask my dead donare why in the fuck did you never told me you loved me?
And,after katrina ,the trauma ,somehow jarred some memories of dad,his drunken,smelling ,wrenching,alcoholic person,who spent a majority of his life drinking.And ,on the weekend was the worst.I caught the brunt of it,his tiny,little ,
innocent daughter.
On weekends ,he would get so damn drunk that ,he would fall asleep in my bed.And,I
couldnt wake him ,he stunk,he disgusted me ,and i just wanted him out of my bed.
And ,where was mother,oh she yelled a couple of times,and after dad didnt listen,and go to his bedroom,yes,he remained in my bed. And ,there I was stuck with dad on my twin bed, Most of the time he went in my bed ,after i had gone to bed, Now,he is the memories that i have held back in me,memories of dad in my bed ,against me,one time ,trying to kiss me.OMG I cant believe i am writing this down, but ,now I realize ,that it does help ,to tell your story.
Dad was a drunk ,never,a father,never,a loving person,oh no,far far from a loving figure. You see,he always had these words ,his affectionate words consisted of,I wish you were never born.Boy,is that,a self esteem booster.Or.you will never amount to anything,no one will marry you,you are stupid ,you getting a liitle fat eh?,and on ,and on.Wow,such loving warm caring things to say to your only daughter. THE BIG FUCKER.
And,yet,can you believe,that,there are moments ,when,I ,feel guilty talking about my donare like this ,telling how he realy was,and not the make believe stories I told about the son of a bitch. Oh,yes,in my little fantasy world, one in which myparents were disiplining me ,with yes belts and sticks and whatever they had handy.
But,yopu see,I had to do this for my sanity,it was my way of escaping the shame.
What,tell all your freinds had my dad drinks until he pases out and goes in my bed. YES,THAT WOULD GO OVER WELL.But,besides all that, i was raised in the catholic religion and growing up in the 60"s ,the catholic religion brainwahed ya with the ten commandments ,and the main one ,honor thy parents,was,drilled into our heads,
and ,so.I had to homor them,even when,donare was in my bed drunk ,groping me.Oh,wow ,isnt that grand? The catholic church didnt care about the children,
and ,besides that,they had their own little dirty secrets they were hiding.
What were they? Lets try thepriests molesting the alter boys or little boys in general,gay priests and nuns and nuns havibg sex with the priests.
And.children didnt go to tell the priests about their own molestation from the hands of their own parents.They willonly be told thatshould not lie about their partents.
i,i,i must go again,getting ,,,,,sad reaaly sad

nawls

'SYTYCD' Top 8: Melissa & Ade's Contemporary Performance @ Y! TV

It has been a long time since I wrote an entry,but,I guess,I was just hurt ,angry.
sad and ashamed.People,you,get to trust them and ,after awhile,you open up your heart and soul to them.You tell them things ,really personal stuff.WHY? Because.you
are sure that this person will be the one who understaqnds,cares and doesnt turn their back on you.You want so much for them to really care about you,and your feelings and that they accept you ,with all your faults and emotional garbage.
And,you trust them ,you trust someone again,thinking ,this person will not walk away,
will be there for you, even thru the rough spots,thru the tears ,thru the compulsiveand obsessive crap.After all ,every one you think you can trusts runs away
And,yes ,I guess its only fair to say,I cant much blame them.Who is this "CRAZY"

person.No one really undestands the illness,
depression,and depression at the point of darkness,thick fog,loneliness,fear,voices.
smells,rage ,things in your mind that seem to be played over and over in your mind like a worn out record,And,it is so vivid ,the screams ,the wind howling,the water
pouring in ,wallls shake,floors shake.crashing ,outside.Then silence
but,no ,its not the end ,,,there is more to come. All these horrific memories floods your mind, and my god....why and when willit end.
you,think you are dying,you ache ,everywhere,you dont get out of bed,you lay in darkness,in afetal position,rocking back and forth ,and this terrible terrible pain lingers in your body. You cantg stay still. ITS like a demon is inside you and you
just cant stand the pain.You avoid your family,you are distant with your spouse and children ,And ,yet,the spouse ,the children ,your family are so much in pain
to see you this way,You are a shell of what you once were, you curse God for causing this much destruction and this much death.Why? Where is that god that caring god.
all this ,like a gift from god enters my life 3 guys from canada ,they i thought were my salvation,They made me smile and laugh,And ,yes ,I thought these were the ones they are the ones i can trust,but ,in the ened ,I realized they really didnt get it ,didnt get the depression or my high and lows and my suicide thoughts\and
as one said a pity party. well that just just got me upset really upset
and we no longer talk they didnt care thney didnt understand .....

wow...i must continue this ata later time....too upset
i miss them i am angry i am confused i am so sad ....
and now now i just want to die its just too hard to go on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxEX__YXmDs