http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/16/having-problems-means-being-alive/

DEAREST RYAN HILL

WOW ..I JUST WANT TO SIT BACK AND CRY,AND ASK THE QUESTION WHY? HE IS NO LONGER AROUND .HE DOES NOT HATE ME BUT ALSO DOES NOT WANT TO COMMNICATE WITH ME.WHAT A SAD SAD SAD SAD THING.BUT I CERTAINLY CANT BLAME HIM AND,HE WAS THE WISE ONE TO END IT.I HAD GOT SO DEPENDANT ON HIM,I DEMABDED RESPONSES IMMEDIATELY.WANTED TO VENT TO SOMEONE AND HE WAS THERE AND IT WAS EASY TO DO BECAUSE I COULD YELL AND HE COULDNT YELL BACK SIMPLY CAUSE OF EMAILING.IT WAS IMPERSONAL.COULD NOT REALLY READ HIS FEELINGS EMOTIONS CAUSE HE WASNT SITTING THERE BY MY SIDE.AND THAT WAS BETTER CAUSE I DONT THINK I WOULS BE ABLE TO SAY THE THINGS I DID IF HE WAS SITTING THERE. BUT I JUST NEEDED SOMEONE TO FIX THINGS ,TO MAKE IT BETTER,AND RYAN WAS THAT PERSON.HE WAS SMART,KIND ,GENTLE WITH A BEAUTIFUL LAUGH ,SMILE VOICE AND WIT.AND SOON.I LOVED HIM,AND YET,I TRIED TO DENY IT TO MYSELF.
I PUT ALL MY PROBLEMS ON HIS SHOULDERS .THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I WAS SO DOWN I WANTED TO DIE AND I JUSTWANTED SOMEONE TO SAY IT WOULD BE OK
AND THAT PERSON WAS RYAN HILL.AND YET,I WAS THE SELFISH ONE .I PUT ALL THESE FEELINGS ON HIM,TELLING HIM I WANTED TO DIE AND HOW I WAS GOING TO DO IT,AND I GOT SO UPSET WHEN HE DIDNT RESPOND....I WANTED HIM TO SAY SUE ITS OK HANG IN THERE ,BUT NOT REALIZING THE PAIN AND TERROR I PUT HIM THRU.I GOT ANGRY AND THOUGHT HE HATED ME,WHY CERTAINLY HE DID HE DIDNT TALK ME OUT OF IT,BUT,WHAT I FAILED TO REALIZE WAS HE WAS HURTING HE WAS SAD ,FOR ME ,FOER HIM ,CAUSE HE JUST DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR TO HANDLE IT.AND HE TOLD ME SO ,BUT DID I STOP ,NO,I CONTINUED,BUT ,MY DEPRESSION TH E
ILLNESS THAT CLOUDS YOUR THINKING ,THE ILLNESS THAT CRIPPLES YOUR SOUL.THE ILLNESS THAT MAKES YOUR THINKING ,DISTORTED,AND YOUGET SO SO
ANXIUS AND SCARED AND AND WHEN DEAR RYAN DIDNT RESPOND THE MORE ANXIUOS AND ANGRY I GOT AND ALL THOUGHTS HORRIBLE THOUGHTS ENTRED MY MIND .I THOUGHT RYAN HATES ME HE DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE ,AND AFTER AWHILE
IT GETS TO HIM.HE IS SAD ,TO HEAR ME SPEAK OF KILLING MYSELF AND ,HONESTLY
HE PROBABLY WAS WALKING AROUND WITH THE THOUGHT OF ME DEAD,AND ,I EVEN
SAID HOW WOULD HE FEEL.WOW,HOW COULD I DO THAT? WHY? I CARED FOR THIS
GUY,I KNEW IT BUT DIDNT WANT TO ADMIT ,RYAN KNEW IT BUT DIDNT WANT TO
BRING IT UP.WOW.I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO ...HOLD ME ,HUG ME,WIPE MY TEARS TAKE AWAY TH E PAIN.I WANTED I WANTED SO MUCH FOR IT TO BE RYAN
AND HOW SELFISH...OF ME ,FOR ASKING HIM TO TAKE ON SUCH A HUGE EMOTIONAL
ACT? BUT,INSTEAD I ACCUSED HIM OF BEING SELFISH.WOW,HOW INCREDIBLY INCONSIDERATE WAS THAT? BUT,I AM SO INCREDIBLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF
FOR PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ,SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY ON SOMEONE I
HARDLY KNOW. OMG RYAN WHAT DID I DO ?HOW ,HOW CAN I EVER MAKE YA FEEL BETTER? HOW CAN I EVER TAKE AWAY THE PAIN? WHY ?WHY?JESUS RYAN
DID I TERRIFY YOU THAT NITE?I KNOW I DID OR I AM ASSUMING I DID.AT LEAST I WOULD BE SO SO SCARED.JESUS RYAN,I DONT KNOW HOW I CAN EVER APOLOGIZE
TO YOU ,THE WORST PART IS YOU DIDNT DESERVE THIS ,BUT YOU GOT IT .
I ,I HAD TO TELL YOU I LOVED YOU,OR AT LEAST HAD STRONG FEELINGS FOR YA,I
AM SO SORRY,I TRULLY DIDNOT INTEND TO TO,FALL FOR YOU.AND ,I DO LOVE KEVIN,REALLY I DO ,BUT I THINK,YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE LOVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE,
I GUESS A DIFFERENT LOVE .BUT ,AGAIN,I FEEL SO ASHAMED ,BUTMELS ,YES I TOLD HER ,I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE,AND SHE KNEW ABOUT THE ENTIRE SCENERIO.
AND SHE SAID I SHOULDNT FEEL ASHAMED OR GUILTY.RYAN I JUST,I JUST FEEL SO
EMBARASSED ABOUT IT,AGAIN,IT WAS MUCH EASIER ADMITTING IT VIA MAIL.
SUT,YOU,WERE YOUNG,AND FUNNY AND YA OPENED DOORS TO ME IN SO MANY
LEVELS IN MY LIFE.YOU INTRODUCED MUSIC AND ART AND PHOTOGEAPHY ETC.
AND I FELT VIBRANT AND FREE SPIRITED AND YOUNG AGAIN.AND I KNOW IN MY HEART KEVIN KINDA KNOWS ,,,OR REALIZES I AM EXTREMELY WAY TOO INTO YOU ,TO BE A FREIND.
RYAN,ITS SO HARD TO LET YOU GO,SO HARD....BUT I KNOW ITS THE RIGHT THING.
YOU ARE WAY WISER THAN YOUR YEARS,I REGRET ,TELLING YOU MY FEELINGS CAUSE I KNOW ,I THINK YOU YOU MAY NOT TAKE IT AS A GOOD THING.ITS LIKE SOME OLD LADY HAS THE HOTS FOR ME.I AM SORRY,I DONT REGRET HAVING MY
FEELINGS, I ONLY WISH I COULD HAVE HUGGED YOU HELD YOUR HAND AND....
I ONLY WISH I CAN BE THERE RIGHT NOW AND HUG YOU ,ONLY TO REST ASSURE IN YOUR MIND I AM OK.MAYBE ,I AM ASSUMING TOO MUCH,BUT I THINK YOU COULD USE A HUG TO ASSURE I AM OK.OMG RYAN,YOU INSPIRED ME IN SO MANY WAYS
YOU CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BEST. YOU GAVE ME BACK LAUGHTER,SPIRIT,SMILE
YOUTH,LOVE,YOU MADE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE.AND THAT TO ME IS SO SO SO
WONDERFUL/YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON,I DO ENVY YOU CAUSE YOU HAVE SO MUCH LIFE AHEAD OF YOU AND YOU ARE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO GOES AFTER WHAT HE WANTS.I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE MET YOU.I WILL ALWAYS PUT AWAY THE MEMORIES OF OUR SHORT TIME IN A SPECIAL PLACE. YOU ARE SO SPECIAL
I AM SO SO SO SORRY TO HAVE CAUSED YOU PAIN. I HOPE ONE DAY OUR PATH WILL CROSS.AHHH MAYBE YOU WILL BE MARRIED WITH CHILDREN AND I WILL STILL BE MARRIED WITH GRANDKIDS .SMILE
RYAN HILL THANKS FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE NEVER CHANGE.ALWAYS REMEBER
THE LOVE YOU TAKE IS EQUAL TO THE LOVE YOU MAKE

.......I WILL MISS YOU TREMENDOUSLY

WITH ALL MY LOVE

SUE/NAWLINS

its i am so sad,,the one person you dedicated your blog too..is no longer ,,,there for you.oh dear ryan hill ,why how id things go so wrong? it was cool it was excitciting it was the youth that sparked me held me captive his fresh ideas his excitement for life his joy for beauty and i thought people
he had me so captivated that...i was ...so so into him..his smile his laugh his voice his joy for life his dry humor...and i guess i thought he really enjoyed knowing me ,,,but now I guess this is what
I wanted to believe ...this is what I embellished in my mind...and,,,I got so so so caught up into ryann he was my new obsession,,,,i demanded he respond to all my emails i wanted him to fix things wanted him to hold me hug me make it go away and it got so so so huge i got hurt my thoughts got so distorted,,,i thought i thought he hated ne just like every one else
my god ...i ....i am so into him his smile his voice oh god...i cant let it go i cant let it go
its hard its hard to say goodbye ....i guess its this damn illness but i destroyed it i destroyed
the freindship we had omg ryan hill....you touched my heart my soul my spirit....and i will you will always have a special place in my heart for you...i didnt mean it i swear i didnt mean to hurt you
ryan hill.....thanks for those moments when you made me smile when you made me laugh
when you gave me that song crosses ...i play that song so many times
i have cried buckets buckets when will it end why did i have to be so stupid ,,,so stupid
......i i just feel so guility so ashamed ,,,, i often just want to die\
and and and i often think that ryan would never miss me he wouldnt
omg ....i must go

sorry ryan ryan ryan.......all the best to you my dear dear sweet love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXl70bZ7sE4

WOW SO BEAUTIFUL

wow one word

paul mccartney

mcdreamey wow he is finr

wow ...so much to say ..where do i begin? Well,I am no longer communicating with ryan
and jason,Long story short ..I put too much crap on ryans shoulder,I was always sad and
depressed and suicidal and obsessive and compulsive and ,,i just needed to vent just vent about everything my dads abuse the katrinia my sons jeremys dx with depression/compulsivesive .obsessive disorder on top of burning his hand witha firecracker at new years.and 6 weekd stay ay a hospital for pschytic episodes
amonst given loosing his jobs,
i tol jason i was so upset and freaking out cause i had too much on my plate
well,good old jason said i had a pity party,Get real I said,do you have kids no
do ya have depression no did ya loose ya parents or lost your home or your job
or loose all your friends ,one to suicide?
I have so much anger inside me.....pity party? then.ryan never answers his emails
unless hes involved in it.he never said hes sorry about my son sorry that my depression is reaching the dangerous dark eep lvel i even felt suicidal
i he didnt even bother to ask about jeremy kevin or me
he then got so so pisssed at me cause i was setting him a guilt trip
ok...all i need is a friend to understan me
bottomline he has asked me not to send emails or phone him at the office

i got so so so hurt ,,and I realized i admitted it to myself i am in love with ryan ...and not hearing from me was so painfl

why why why? they dont get it a pity party well els mary they have helped me a lot

it hurts so much ..i miss ryan why and how it happened ..i dont know but it did
i have emailed ryan my feelings for him but...no reply gets hes freaking out
either way.i miss him and it hurts and yes love stinks hahah
cant believe i told ryan,but i thought he needed to know

hopefully the pain will ease up i dont regret loving him or telling him i just regret loosing my frienship over this omg omg ,,at times how i cant live like this

ryan i do sincerly love you

all the best to them you will always have a special place in my heart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuF3jiufww

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR2SUxDsbbY