wow its so hard so fricken hard when,when,there are people who just are just asses to you.they treat you like yesterdays trash and yet ,you still hang on,have this entire plan that you can make this person change his mind
i i cant go on like this ,i CANT allow myself to continue to hold on to
hopes and beliefs he will come back.that way of thinking is so toxic,so toxic for me.
I think,its ,like a mission,that I can change this person.but this person
always enjoyed any form of support ,for his music and I was glad to do it and I
WAS proud of him.however when i needed support he chose when and if he would support me.and ,now ,i think wow that kinda sucks,but ,I was si determined to
have this person for my friend,I allowed myself to let him walk over me and treat
me like trash, yes,trash.
Hey,he knew I was going thru lotsa stuff,but ,he chose to be,cruel
and he lacked any empathy at all. and ,at first I said,ok,hes just immature,but,know I know,he doesnt care,I was not his close friends,but excuse me,but
he never even tried to be my friend,
and now ,he has the BALLS to call me a stalker,yes ,right,what an ass.
one part of me says ,just fuck him and the other side says,keep trying.
but in the end,i loose,How? iloose respect for me because i allowed myself
to ,beg,to,plea for ryan to be my friend,
hey calls me a stalker,neurotic ,well,what the hell is he ?heartless bastard.

I havent written in this blog in awhile,and lotsa stuff have happened,sad,sad,stuff. And stuff,stuff,I should have seen coming,but ,in my ultimate divine wisdom,decicided ,that someohow,i could convince people to
change their minds, Only if I try hard enough. And you believe this ,in your mind,
and,you have all these conversations ,inside your mind,you have it all planed out.
You know that somehow things will,change.
And its funny because you did that when you were a child, Its almost sorta like,dorothy in the wizard oz ,i can,keep repeating over and over he will forgive me
or, all those conversations you tell to yourself,you keep them there,
you repeat stuff over and over, Its,as they say in this book I am reading,your inner
roommate.
And,I am sad,becuase,this guy ,I hardly know,and I allowing my inner self,
to make me sad.Why? Perhaps I just am so desperate to have someone,someone ,besides my family, to understand me, And ,yes,I did BAD things to him,or rather said bad things to him,but he did too.and it hurts so damn bad,
yes ,right a stalker me