After HURRICANE Katrina,I was so angry at God,for the mass destruction,deaths,
and pain,caused from Katrina.How could God allow this,I was always taught got was
all loving.And,Iwas angry wi th my employer ,for leaving us stranded in this hospital, telling us to find our own way home.I felt guilt and shame ,because
I survived and others did not.I was guilty,because the patients in the hospital
died,and I couldnt save them.I felt weak and ashamed,that ,I was unable to
work,becuse of flashbacks. I just felt numb,and sad,and i isolated myself for
6 months.I didnt help my husband with,the cleaning of our house,I felt.
just exhausted.I kept going to the er because,I just felt as though I was having
a heart attack.I kept obssessing that I had all these diseases.I spent days crying
and isolated,.I even tried to go to work at the same hospital that I worked
during the katrina. But,that was a mistake,I felt physicaly ill.
I constantly looked at want ads ,trying to convince myself,hey,I can work.
but all I was in total denial.
I thought that I had lost me,who I was,I thought,hey I can do this ,and
I went tomore job interviews,only,I ended feeling physiaclly sick.
I got more and more into that dark tunnel,and I just couldnt get out.
My inlaws,they just didnt get it,why,was I still depressed,why couldnt I
GET OUT OF it,why did I not try to go to work.
what they didnt undeerstand,was I so damn miserable,I felt weak,sad
and I felt useless,who was I?
And all of this,I realize now,was from fear,my sadness,my anger,hopelessness.
I was angry with myself.for being the weak one.Maybe ,dad was right
I may be good for nothing.
I trully thought that my job was who I was,it was my identity.
ALL of these thoughts were from fear of the future and fear of acceptance.
Accepting me ,as a person with an illness PTSD.fear of the future,what
will happen.The fear,turned to anger.And that anger was vented to god,
my employers, and almost anyone who came in contact with me.
and these thought ruminated in my head,scared,that one day I could not
take all these pain,and the flashbacks and hurting my family.
depressionis just so hard to deal with.
it seemed that i would never get out of this tunnel